AITA for not telling my wife prior to lunch with family, that I was paying?

A Reddit user and their wife, along with family, went out for lunch, where they had previously agreed to split the bill. However, late at night before the lunch, the user decided to cover the whole bill and forgot to inform their wife. When the check came, the wife expressed surprise, feeling it made her appear inconsiderate for suggesting separate checks.

Despite the user apologizing and insisting it wasn’t a big deal, the wife remained upset about being put in an awkward position. The user is questioning whether they were wrong for not informing their wife beforehand. Read the full story below for more insights.

‘ AITA for not telling my wife prior to lunch with family, that I was paying?’

My wife and I, along with my mother and aunt went out to lunch today. The previous day, my wife and I had agreed we would try to pay for our own share of the bill rather than having my mother or aunt get it.

Last night, around 11pm, after my wife had gone to sleep, I had a conversation with my mother that I would just grab the check rather than mess around and fight over the bill. I did forget to mention this to my wife (I work overnights and had just started my shift, and by the end I had forgotten).

So anyway, at lunch today when the check came, they asked if we wanted separate checks or all on one? I responded, all on one is fine, then my wife said she had thought we were getting our own. I said we could just get it. This maybe happened over 2 or 3 seconds and I didn’t think much of it.

After lunch she was mad because I put her in a position where she said she came off very inconsiderate with her comment about getting our own checks (and thus, others would be paying their own).

I assured her no one thought that and it was not a big deal, but was still angry that I had put her in the position and she would have never said anything if I had told her prior to lunch. I apologized for not letting her know in advance, as I never want to hurt my wife’s feelings, but I maintained it wasn’t a big deal, no one thought that she was being inconsiderate at all.

It’s not about the money at all, everyone at the table could easily afford treating everyone else, she is mad about the position I put her in. I really don’t think this is a big deal, the whole interaction was 3 seconds tops, and no one thought anything of it.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

hadMcDofordinner −  Ok, so you just happened to talk to your mother and change the thing agreed to with your wife and then, like, you just forgot to mention it to her until you are all at the. table. Right. Soft YTA for agreeing to something with your wife and then letting your mother convince you to do otherwise.. Be an adult, keep your word.

4games1 −  YTA – I apologized for not letting her know in advance, as I never want to hurt my wife’s feelings, but I maintained it wasn’t a big deal, no one thought that she was being inconsiderate at all. Apologize again. Apologize for not telling her and putting her in that position. The end.

Do not maintain that it was not a big deal and that no one thought she was being inconsiderate. It is a lie. She thinks it is a big deal, and she thinks she sounded inconsiderate. Is she no one? She is your wife, you love her, you put her in a false position due to lack of communication, do better. She is not asking a lot of you here.

SnooDoughnuts4691 −  You agreed to one thing with your wife and did the exact opposite without talking to her. Left your wife out to dry and embarrassed her.. YTA

Important_Sprinkles9 −  YTA because even when she said it, you could have said, “Oh, I forgot I said to Mum last night I’d grab it.” which would have explained away any confusion or concern about looking stingy for your wife.

123FakeStreetAnytown −  YTA for going back on what you agreed to do with her. It’s not a huge deal (unless wife and mom have a strained relationship), but you were in the wrong on this one.

UnPracticed_Pagan −  YTA – IF you literally just had not had a conversation with your wife the night prior saying you’d pay for your own portion only I’d say NTA… However, you literally went against the conversation you had with your wife and then didn’t inform her. YTA for that. Edited so YTA is first as apparently order matters

oddprofessor −  The worst thing you can say to someone in a situation like this is “It’s not a big deal.” That will send me from “annoyed” to “incandescent with rage” in 5 seconds. It may not be a big deal to you, but it was to her.

Who are you to just casually dismiss her feelings like that? Instead of “this doesn’t matter and you are being ridiculous” maybe you should try “I’m sorry. I should have told you. I didn’t and it put you in a difficult spot. I’ll do better.” See how that works.

Forsaken-Box-1502 −  Wife thinks each “party” is paying its own way **because it is the agreement you made with her** . You make different agreement. Then you say “one check” and wife worries she will be seen as a mooch in case that one check gets paid by her MIL.

In her haste to *not* look like a mooch, she says, “No, remember each pay own?” MIL, knowing ***her*** agreement, now might think, “Wife miserly.”
It is very possible your wife is worrying over nothing, but if there is ANYTHING fraught (or even not fraught) between your mom and your wife, you have to stop saying it’s “not a big deal.”

It is a big deal *to her*. Also, are you POSITIVE that no one thought anything of it? (And are you aware of \*all\* interpersonal dynamics between your wife and your mom and aunt?) I started a different school in 4th grade. I was invited to a birthday party before the school year started. Good times had by all until we started to pack up to leave.

I realized the birthday girl hadn’t opened her presents (because this was Not Done at new school, but I didn’t know.) I said, “Wait, what about the presents?” And the birthday girl’s mom said, “Oh, sorry!” and started handing out the party favors, which she had forgotten to do.

BUT WHICH I WAS NOT ASKING ABOUT. I still wonder how much that formative “omg is this new girl a b**t?” moment impacted me for the rest of school.
All that to say, not the a**hole for forgetting to tell her, but YTA for dismissing her concerns about how your family views her.

FasterThanNewts −  You made your wife look greedy. Fix this. YTA

GabiCoolLager −  YTA for doing the opposite from what you told your wife when you could have mentioned that to her previously. She is right to get mad, because it feels terrible to be put in a position where you are the only one who doesn’t know what is going on.

Was the user inconsiderate for not communicating their decision to cover the bill, or was the wife overreacting to a minor misunderstanding? How would you handle such a situation in your relationship? Share your thoughts below!