AITA for not telling my in-laws about the gifting tradition for my baby’s celebration, additionally not sharing the gifts with them.
A Reddit user hosted a cultural celebration for their baby’s 100th day, which included traditional gifting practices where family members gave gold to the baby. The user’s in-laws, who were not familiar with the tradition, criticized it as wasteful and accused the user of trying to make them look bad.
This escalated into demands for a share of the gold and public criticism of the user’s parenting choices, such as piercing the baby’s ears. Was the user wrong for not explaining the tradition to their in-laws or sharing the gifts? Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for not telling my in-laws about the gifting tradition for my baby’s celebration, additionally not sharing the gifts with them. ‘
For context, The baby’s 100th day is celebrated in my culture with a small party; essentially, family and friends gather between the 4th and 6th month of age. At this point, the infant takes her first mouthful of solid food and selects an item that is presumably meant to predict her future self.
( Its stupid but fun, eg, my daughter choose a pen, so we think she will be interested in studying.) Additionally everyone brings gifts for the baby, family usually gives gold, and friends give baby product. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, and I can tell you that his family doesn’t really like me.
For the first four years of our relationship, I put a lot of effort into it, but once we were engaged and his family wasn’t too enthusiastic, I gave up. Even though we still get together for celebrations, birthdays, and other events, I no longer make an effort to speak with them.
(When we got engaged, my husband assured me that I didn’t have to put in a lot of effort to win his family’s approval, so I quit.)
My in-laws haven’t had a major part in our lives since we got married; we only see them 4 or 5 times a year. Since they haven’t seen our baby yet, I invited them to this celebration.
They were hesitant, attempting to argue that this isn’t how we do things in our family and that we don’t understand your foreign culture. I politely told them that it is their wish whether or not they want to see their grandchild, and I wouldn’t force them to.
Last week, there were around 50 people to celebrate my beautiful child, the most of whom were from my side of the family. Everything was nice and pleasant, my MIL, FIL, and SIL arrived as well. After that, it was time for the presents. As previously said, every member of my family gave my child a gold earring, necklace, bracelet, or coin.
At the party, my in-laws began to remark that it was a waste of money to give gold to a small child, but nobody listened. They then criticised me for not telling them that my family would spend so much money and accused me of making them look bad.
I apologised, explaining that it was simply part of our tradition and that I thought you wouldn’t be interested because you had never been. They complained to my husband, he ignored them, but they still woudnt stop.
it started of as me trying to make them look bad, to them now demanding i give them some of the gold as my daughter has no use for it and its meant to be shared with family.
When my husband and I stopped picking their calls, my SIL posted on instagram and facebook about child cruelty because our 6 month daughter has her ears pierced and wears small earrings. I get that its not common in the US hence why everyone now thinks i am torturing my baby.
The thing is I feel like i am not in the wrong, but when i read all the comments about me being a horrible parent and using my baby to make money it just feels bad. i am posting this to see if everyone thinks the same ig?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Cursd818 − NTA. They’re gold diggers who are actively trying to steal from an infant. Don’t give them a second thought, and block them. Ignore them. Your daughter doesn’t need them, seeing as she has such a wonderful family on your side.
RhubarbGoldberg − NTA. Go no contact for a while. Edit: didn’t realize a low effort comment would get so much traction. For the record, OP, the in-laws are xenophobic assholes who make everything about your baby, about themselves. I said “a while,” because sometimes NC can be a wake up call and people are capable of change.
The “while” suggests an indefinite timeline so OP can assess as time goes if it’s worth another attempt. They’ve made zero effort to educate themselves to become informed about your culture and they smash cut to GREED concerningly fast.
Straight_Coconut_317 − NTA. They were not interested in your family customs or your daughter until it reflected on their public image. And to suggest that you give your daughters gold to them, a greedy bastards, I would just stop listening to them.
ThatWhichLurks782 − NTA and they should be embarrassed trying to take gifts away from a baby. Shame on them.
Boobookittyfhk − NTA. Honestly, they’re being prejudice. I come from a very culturally diverse background. My siblings (we are adopted within family) but were able to stay together. We come from a gypsy and northern European/Mediterranean background, but our all first or second generation American (some of us have different dads).
Even our adopted family isn’t the greatest. We are not close to any parental figure besides a few aunts and uncles, but we are all very close as siblings. So we made up our own traditions (hybrid of our culture and general whims lol), especially with our respective families.
I personally think large, elaborate weddings are stupid and I think gender reveals are stupid but I would never condemn someone else for liking those things. And I’m always more than happy to show up and off my support for other peoples celebrations.
It’s not about the custom itself, it’s about celebrating the person and the significance of them in your life. These people do not value you. It hurts to give your energy to someone who will never reciprocate and just keep taking. Spend time and energy on those who enrich your life.
busyshrew − OP, congratulations on your beautiful daughter! I have a cute story to tell. My father (Korean, old school), placed some importance on the item my daughter would select on her 100 day. We had the usual selection: a little golden p**, a red ball, etc etc etc.
But my dad REALLY wanted my daughter to pick one specific thing- so while I wasn’t paying attention, he moved the items around and made sure his preferred choice was dead centre. Of course she grabbed it, and he was SO PLEASED. lol!!!
I wish all good things for your daughter too. You are so obviously NTA, don’t give it a second thought. The idea of grown adults jealously and meanly trying to take gifts from a baby – the shame of it!!! I’m so glad your husband is firmly on your side.
And BTW – LOTS of people pierce their baby’s ears early. My goodness. It’s definitely common in wide parts of the world. Tell those people to travel a little and broaden their horizons. FFS.. Edited grammar.
IllustratorNew8801 − NTA you’re good and you know it. The not liking you has a bif waff of racism embed into it. You will never keep them happy so why bother? You shouldn’t have to bother with keeping any kind of relationship with them either.
missmypets − That gold was gifted to your daughter by people who love her, love you, and love your husband. The in-laws only see her as a resource and when used up would be tossed aside.
KrofftSurvivor − NTA – Accusing you of child abuse because your baby has pierced ears?!? It may not be ~common~ in the U.S., but it definitely isn’t rare either – I grew up on the east coast, and I saw plenty of babies who had their ears pierced within the first month.
No way is a judge going to call that child abuse. And they aren’t entitled to a single thing that was gifted to your child – they wanted nothing to do with your traditions – they’re just greedy.
Horror-Reveal7618 − Nta. Just answer in one of their posts that they didn’t seem to think like that when they were demanding you gave them the gold intended for your daughter’s future.. Then block.
Do you think the user was wrong for not preemptively informing their in-laws about the tradition, or were the in-laws being unreasonable in their reaction? How would you balance cultural traditions with family dynamics? Share your thoughts below!