AITA for not telling my husband to apologise when he was just defending me?

A woman (F) has been emotionally and verbally abused by her eldest sister, Mary, throughout her life. After years of distance and therapy, she married a supportive husband. During a Thanksgiving gathering, Mary insulted the woman and her husband, making hurtful comments about their finances and her career.

When Mary escalated the argument, the husband defended his wife by yelling at Mary and calling her names, which caused a family conflict. The woman’s mom is now pressuring her to get her husband to apologize for the sake of family peace, but the woman refuses, believing Mary should be the one to apologize for her behavior. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not telling my husband to apologise when he was just defending me?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I (F) am the youngest of seven kids. The problem I have is with the eldest sibling, my sister Mary. Mary has always undermined and judged my choices growing up. For example, when I wanted to take a gap year after high school to save money for university,

Mary told me it was a bad idea and that once I took a gap year, I’d never go back—just like her. I almost didn’t go through with it because she made me second-guess myself.

Then, after the gap year, I changed my major after the first semester, and she yelled at me for hours about how I was going to ruin my life and waste all my money since I couldn’t make up my mind. I have countless examples of times she made me cry from her yelling or made me question my decisions.

And at the time, I felt compelled to listen to her. After meeting my husband (then boyfriend) and getting a therapist, they both helped me realise I needed to distance myself from Mary because she’s extremely toxic and both emotionally and verbally a**sive.

It took a lot of effort, but I finally went no-contact with her. I finished university, got a job in my chosen field (thanks to my brother-in-law), moved in with my husband, and eventually got married. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly happy. I still see Mary during family events and holidays.

I hate seeing her, but it’s my family too, and I don’t want to miss out because of her. However, she always finds a way to ruin the holiday for me. She often takes digs at my husband, saying she doesn’t like him and that I “could do better.”

My husband usually tells me to ignore her because he thinks she’s only doing it for a reaction. Last weekend, we had our Thanksgiving celebration at my mom’s house. When we arrived, my husband asked my mom if we could host Christmas at our place since her house is getting too small to fit everyone.

Before my mom could respond, Mary jumped in, saying we shouldn’t offer a home we didn’t buy and then called my husband a “f**king nepotism baby.” That comment made me mad because she knows nothing about my husband’s situation.

My husband inherited our home from his grandfather after he passed away, so her saying that was incredibly insensitive. Both my mom and I told her off, and she quieted down for a bit.

But during dinner, my brother asked me how work was going, and Mary chimed in again, claiming I “probably don’t work since my husband is rich.” I corrected her, explaining that we’re not rich and that I work as a preschool teacher and she knows this.

Standing up for myself seemed to completely set her off. She yelled at me, saying I was “only working there because I couldn’t handle the other program I was in” and that she knows I’m “not happy” with my “temporary” job and I should be pursuing a more serious career.

Mary kept yelling, tearing into my life choices. I got anxious and nervous, as I always do when she yells—it brings back the trauma she caused me. I tried to defend myself but started stuttering, which made her escalate. My mom and siblings tried to get her to stop, but she wouldn’t.

Then she said something that hurt the most: she called me a disappointment and claimed my mom felt the same way. At that point, my husband lost it. He started yelling at her, which is rare for him since he’s usually very calm. He swore at her and called her some names, including a “fat b**ch” and a “cunt.”

He also called her evil and said no one in the family liked her. It turned into a screaming match. My mom tried to calm Mary down, and I my husband, but neither of them would stop. My husband and I ended up leaving and going back to the Airbnb we were staying at.

The next day, we went back to my mom’s house. My husband apologised to my mom for yelling and ruining dinner but said he wouldn’t apologise to Mary.
Since then, my mom has been calling me, asking me to get my husband to apologise “to keep the peace.”

Mary still lives with her, and my mom is tired of her ranting about how rude my husband was and cursing him out. But I told my mom I’m not going to make him apologise. I know he was rude, and some of the things he said were harsh. But Mary was always rude, and no one is telling her to apologise to us.

So, WIBTA for not telling my husband to apologise just to keep the peace with my sister? I know that neither of us owe Mary anything, but apologising would make things easier on my mom.

Next update: https://aita.pics/SvSik

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Wilson-Scarlet −  You wouldn’t be the a**hole. Your husband was defending you, and Mary crossed a serious line. It’s unfair to ask him to apologize when she never faces consequences for her actions.

Comfortable-Focus123 −  NTA – Well, someone has to stand up to Mary – finally!! It sounds like everyone in your family tries to appease her. I would highly suggest that you go low contact with her and any family that supports her.

BlowtorchBettie −  NTA Mary is clearly a miserable person.

YaddaBoomBadda −  NTA If your mom ever made your sister face consequences, she wouldn’t be this miserable.

frozenbroccolis −  NTA and when should you expect your apology from Mary? I also don’t understand why your mother isn’t upset; Mary spoke on her behalf, letting you know she’s disappointed in you. Does your mother not have a problem with this at all? Or is everyone in this family so scared of Mary that she’s just allowed to say whatever she wants?

epeeist42 −  NTA Your husband apologized to your mother, and may owe apologies to everyone else there (I particularly don’t like gendered insults) but in context, an apology to Mary herself doesn’t seem warranted. I mean, what would the apology be? “I apologize for using gendered insults to you. I should have limited myself to calling you evil.”?

GroovyYaYa −  No. Tell Mom that the person who deserves an apology is YOU, especially from Mary. He didn’t go on the attack, she did. He DEFENDED you when NO ONE ELSE WOULD. Mom owes you an apology as well. If one adult can “make” another adult do anything – then she needs to make Mary shut the f**k up.

Your husband is not your child – you don’t “make him” do anything, that should be obvious by now. I’d also mention that YOU realize now that YOU are disappointed in HER because she never put a stop to Mary’s behavior when Mary and you were still children and living in her household,

and that instead of supporting you NOT letting someone abuse you further, you are apparently “disappointed in her” per Mary (I notice you didn’t mention that she didn’t correct Mary, but let Mary say those things on her behalf).

Frankly, I’d say hosting Christmas is off the table, unless you have some of those other siblings you’d like to host. Perhaps not on Christmas Eve or Day, but another day close by. Let them get a taste of what it is like without the toxicity. If they are kind of like Mary – host friends instead.

Boring-Concept-2058 −  Next time Mary starts in on, you simply tell her, “At least I don’t have to live with mom.” And if your mom asks you to ask your husband to apologize to Mary, you need to ask when you can expect your apology from her.. NTA, and neither is your husband.

Sensitive-Ask-9368 −  Absolutely don not apologize to her. She has to understand when you cross boundary especially when it comes to a man wife, he gets to roar. She pissed that someone finally stood up to her and yelled her down.

Tell your mom to stay out of it and absolutely do not invite Mary to Christmas. Your mom might try the old ploy if Mary is not coming, then she wont. Wish a mom a Merry Christmas and let mom know we will miss you. Any time Mary opens her pie hole to hurt you, husband should come out swinging.

Mommie has coddled a tyrant and a l**er. Its time Mary if she Fs around, she will find out every time, no more backing down for family peace.

4getmenotsnot −  She isn’t your mom, although I think she thinks she is because she is the oldest. She probably gave up a lot to help out, so resentment kicks in. She is jealous that you proved her wrong. Oh, so sorry, sis, you don’t know it all!!. NTA

Is the woman wrong for not asking her husband to apologize to her sister to maintain family peace, or is it understandable considering Mary’s long history of mistreating her? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!