AITA for not telling my girlfriend I make more than her?

A Redditor shares his experience navigating a sensitive issue in his relationship. After starting a new job at the same tech company as his girlfriend, Anna, he recently revealed that he earns $12k more than her, even though they share the same role.

They have always split expenses 50/50, and although he assumed this arrangement would continue, Anna was hurt and frustrated upon learning of the pay difference. She feels that his higher income should impact how they split bills, but he believes the current system is fair. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not telling my girlfriend I make more than her?’

6 months ago I (27M) lost my previous job at a software company. I had enough savings to support myself while I found a new job and continued to split bills with my girlfriend of 4 years Anna (26f). We’ve always split things 50-50 as we work in similar fields and earned roughly the same salary.

2 months ago I got a job at Anna’s tech company, doing the same job she does on a different team. Anna has worked there for 5 years and recently got a promotion. She was initially really excited and so was I. Working for the same company has been a really positive experience for our relationship except in one area: money.

I make just over 12k more than Anna. It’s become clear to me over the past 2 months every time we talk about budgeting and finances that she’s assuming we’re making the same amount. When I finally told her, she was very upset I hadn’t told her this before because she feels it’s unfair that we continue to split bills 50/50 if I make so much more than her.

She also is upset that we have the same job and that I make more. I told her that’s not my fault and that we should keep splitting bills 50/50 because my salary is barely 1k more than hers a month and she called me an a**hole. She’s been sulking ever since. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Easthampster −  You didn’t think to tell her that they offered you substantially more than she was already earning? It would have given her leverage to ask for more. 1k a month is huge for the salary range you’re both in.

Edit to add: unless the company had a damn good reason to think a male new hire is worth 12k more than a 5 year female employee doing the same job, she potentially has a wage discrimination case. 2nd edit to add: didn’t expect to be the top comment.

It’s obvious YTA Edited a third time, since no one seems to have heard of wage compression.

karivara −  YTA. You were working the exact same job as Anna, knew you were paid more than her, and you never bothered to tell her that she can ask for more? I’ve had total strangers be more helpful to me than you were to your girlfriend of 4 years.

ouatedephoq −  YTA. Companies pull this s**t because people don’t talk about their pay. If you’re doing the same job as your wife, why not support her so she can make her case to ask for more? It would be a win-win for bkth of you. I’d say the major issue isn’t the splitting of the finances it’s that you’re almost colluding with the company to pay someone less because she’s… what? I’ll let you fill in the blanks on what that could be.

idreaminwords −  YTA. This isn’t even about how you split your finances. You’re preventing your girlfriend from advocating for herself when she, who has had the job longer and even got a promotion over you, is making significantly less than you. She deserves to know you’re making more than her so that she can demand a raise or decide whether she wants to work at a company that is underpaying her

enkilekee −  Way to keep the patriarchy alive ! What a dude.

petrolblue3 −  YTA. You say it’s 47 and 59 at the current moment which is WITH her pay rise, so it was an even bigger disparity before, which even if only for a few weeks still makes you the AH. Omission is still being sneaky even if it’s not an outright lie.

BulbasaurRanch −  There’s really not enough information here. $12k is a lot in some situations, but not so much in others. $150k vs $162K is not huge, but $40k to $52K is a bigger difference. Were you splitting the bills 50/50 for the two months you had no job? Cause at that time she making a hell of a lot more than $0

Fresh_Sector3917 −  You’re making 25% more than her. You should pay 25% more of the bills.

[Reddit User] −  YTA because you haven’t even addressed the biggest issue here: once again a woman is making less than a man working in the same field, same place, same job. If you make more money, just s**k it up and pay more. Life is short

strawberrysasquatch −  YTA:

1. It is not your *fault* per se that your company is paying you more for the exact same job your girlfriend does. This is often what happens with newer hires, *and it is highly likely also because you are a man.* You are not in charge of the patriarchy, but you are probably benefiting from it right now. Welcome.

2. Your girlfriend is upset because she is perfectly aware that women make less money than men doing literally the same job, and it probably stings extra because you’re her BF, *and* you kept it from her for months after you realized what she thought. Maybe you kept it from her because you were self conscious, but you absolutely should have come clean — or really you shouldn’t have needed to “come clean,” because….

3. You should have had a conversation about re-doing your finances right away, *even if it’s only 1k more than her a month, which is NOT a number to sniff at.* That’s a LOT of money. And even if it means you only pay like $50 more for rent than her, it’s about being equitable, because again…

4. You are being paid more than her, for literally the same job. Anyone can argue all they want about *why* this is happening and whether it is fair, but you know what you have the ability to make fair? Your distribution of household expenses. And instead of trying to empathize with your GF, listen to her, and make things square, you are whining about her being upset.

ETA: people who are pointing out that the previous split was always 50/50 even when the BF was unemployed are correct, but that’s still not the point. He volunteered to pay the same amount during that time, and it’s wonderful if you’re a person who would have paid 100% if your bf was out of a job, but that is not what this couple did and he didn’t appear to have an issue with it.

They also split 50/50 when their mutual understanding was they were both *making the same amount of money*, and I’m willing to bet that the GFs reaction in this situation was what it was because the extra 12k WAS much more than any previous difference.

And for people splitting hairs about what it means to have the same role on different teams, congrats for intentionally skirting the issue and pretending that gender based inequality in the workplace doesn’t exist or can’t be part of what’s happening here. A lot of things can be true at once.

The situation boils down to: the GF is upset because she discovered the BF is making a salary that is different enough to merit, in her view, a redistribution of their responsibilities, one that in the OPs own mind won’t actually even be significant.

And his reaction, after keeping that salary quiet–even if it was because he truly didn’t think it was an issue–is to dismiss his GF. And if you want to argue about whether it’s “feminist” for X partner to pay or not pay, that’s fine, but not even my point: one person perceives the situation to be unfair, the other seems unwilling to address that. And that’s being a s**tty partner.

Do you think the Redditor was in the wrong for not disclosing his salary earlier, or was it fair for him to assume they’d continue splitting expenses equally? How would you handle income differences with a partner? Share your thoughts below!