AITA for not telling my ex wife about our son’s talent show and then telling her it’s not my fault she’s f**king up her relationship with our kids?

A father (40M) and his ex-wife (40F) share custody of their two children, Amy (12F) and Noah (11M). The children have felt increasingly overlooked as their mother focuses more on her new children from her second marriage.

She often denies them 1:1 time, despite offering it to her other kids, leading to strained relationships. When Noah won a talent show, he didn’t tell his mom, and she found out via social media, leading to a confrontation.

The father defended his decision not to tell her, blaming her for her strained bond with the kids due to her favoritism. She accused him of coming between her and the kids. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not telling my ex wife about our son’s talent show and then telling her it’s not my fault she’s f**king up her relationship with our kids?’

My ex-wife (40f) and I (40m) have two children together, Amy (12f) and Noah (11m). We used to be civil even though our breakup and divorce could be described as messy. It was for the best. We got along better than a lot of divorced parents I’ve known.

We always shared custody of our children and my ex-wife had another child soon after our marriage ended. My ex-wife remarried about 3 years after our divorce and she and her husband have three children together.

So my ex has six children and I understand this can mean it’s hard to give all the kids individual time. But our kids have felt increasingly like they matter less than their half siblings. They have brought up the fact their half siblings get 1:1 time with her and not just when they’re with me.

But that they can also ask for time with just her or just their dad. But if they ask for time with just their mom they are told she doesn’t have time or that they have a big family and since they aren’t always there they should want time with everyone.

There has also been trouble for them for introducing me and my ex as their parents and saying ex’s husband is their stepdad. They also say their half siblings are half siblings and my ex doesn’t like it.

She said her third child doesn’t say it but she hasn’t got a relationship with her dad and our kids pointed that out. So it’s different for her. My ex told them there should be no halfs or step for stepdad, that they’re all family.

She throws the fact they live with me 50% of the time as a reason for them to not use it and to not want time alone with her. But she and her other kids are open when mom takes one to the arcade or trampoline park when Amy and Noah aren’t there.

I know Amy had this Mother’s Day thing at her music class and she asked her mom to come and her mom brought the other girls so they could have a girls day. Another time Amy wanted her mom to drive her to a show she was performing in,

and her mom said they should make it a family thing so she asked if I could take the day off work to do it (it was my parenting time but since I was working and Amy wanted her mom I said it was fine if she asked her) and I said of course.

Her mom wasn’t happy about it but Amy said she hadn’t wanted a family thing. Noah has invited his mom to take part in his cooking classes and she’s always wanting to bring her husband or some of the other kids.

He also wanted a celebratory milkshake with her when he got a good grade even though his school fucked up and didn’t have his aid there for a test (he has dyslexia and requires an aid with him). But she insisted it couldn’t be 1:1. There are multiple examples of this.

And we’re at the point where the kids would love to live with me more. But they have to be 16 at minimum for a judge to agree to listen to their wishes.
Noah had a talent show at school last week and it was my parenting time. But we both get notified when something is going on.

Noah decided not to say anything to his mom or invite her. She found out about it because he won and it was posted on social media. She called to complain and I had to take over because she was really upsetting Noah. She told me I should have told her and I said I didn’t have to.

That we both get notified and it’s on us as individuals to keep up to date on that kind of activity. She accused me of coming between her and the kids and I told her it’s not my fault she’s f**king up her relationship with them by denying them 1:1 time with just her.

She told me it wasn’t fair and it’s easier for me because I only have Amy and Noah. I brought up the fact she has time for her other kids. And that they can ask for her to be alone in supporting them and she will find a babysitter or have her husband stay with the kids. But she can’t be bothered to do it for our kids. She called me an ass and accused me of coming between them.. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

BulbasaurRanch −  No, NTA She has made efforts herself to destroy her relationship with her kids without your help. She is doing this to herself and then blaming you? Not acceptable. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Her inability to be available to her children and give them the attention and care they need is 100% her own doing. Hopefully this is a wake up call for her, but it won’t be. When the kids move in with you full time, I’m sure she will be telling everyone how it’s your fault. She wants to be a victim and take no responsibility for her actions. Don’t let her.

Arcade_Life −  NTA. Props to you for being there for your children mate. One word of advice, nothing will come out of arguing with her. You should have just told her that you both got notified by the school and this was also how you knew,

and ask if she is not following notifications about the children as these notifications could be extremely important.You two broke up. It is not your job to re-remind events etc. to her. Luckily for you, the children is on your side anyway.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  So reading between the lines, your ex cheated, got pregnant with her 3rd child, moved on to have 3 further kids with another guy, resulting in the six kids total… Ex has been self absorbed to the point of damaging her kids for a long time.

It’s no surprise that she’s making herself out to be the victim when she’s emotionally neglecting her eldest children. Part of me wonders if she prioritises the kids of the man she’s currently with… but that’s irrelevant. The hardest part of being in a family with selfish people like your ex is how much to tell the kids.

On one hand, telling them the full facts can be considered parental alienation, but saying nothing about their mothers pattern of behaviour leaves them at risk of getting hurt because they don’t understand… letting them see their moms flaws for themselves as you support them is sadly the safest method.

They’re building their own opinions through observation, taking note of patterns and coming to their own conclusion. You did your ex a favour by spelling it out for her. Whatever happens from here is on her now. I feel so sorry for your kids. Having a parent let you down constantly until you realise you’ve never been their real priority sucks. NTA 

Dark54g −  NTA. I feel badly for your children because they had lost their mother. But I think you’re being a great father. It’s not your job to remind your ex-wife to be a parent. And that includes involving herself in the children’s lives.

Your ex got mad Because you called her out on her b**lshit behavior. People don’t want to face how s**tty of a parent they are. And frankly, she’s pretty s**tty.

2npac −  So she has 6 kids with 3 men? Yikes…if she can’t balance her time amongst all of her kids, it’s her own fault for having too many. She’s a grown woman that should be able to keep a calendar. NTA. As soon as you can though, file for more custody. It sounds like your kids will be on board with this

Illustrious_Bird9234 −  NTA She’s a low effort mom and she should be called out on it. It’s not your job to do her mom-ing for her. Further more if it’s WAS anyone’s job it would be her HUSBAND not you and that’s exactly how I would put it to her.

“there’s two adults in your home two adults you want to be seen as full parents by the kids yet NEITHER of you could have remembered a talent show? It’s not me coming between your relationship it’s your low effort parenting”

Mapilean −  NTA, but she clearly is. She is paving the way for the kids to go LC with her, once they reach adulthood. My heart goes out to them, poor lambs.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 −  NTA I would go further and say she’s making you the s**pegoat for this Op for failed relationship with her kids. Op, are you kids in therapy and discussing their feelings about the blended family with a professional?

As they get older it will get more complicated so it couldn’t hurt to have them speak with someone. It would safe guard against possible claims that you’re trying to alienate them from their mother. Op, you’re doing all you can and are required to do, you’re not responsible for helping her maintain a relationship with her children.

camkats −  Honestly I can’t believe your children have 4-5 more years of this. Why don’t you petition the court for more time with them. Do something that takes them out of these situations more.

You could also ask the court to require 1:1 during their visitation with mom. You are NTA but I think you are going to have to start some legal proceedings at this point. It’s just not fair to them anymore

naranghim −  NTA. She dug this hole all by herself now she has to figure out how to get herself out. One would think if you don’t see your kids 50% of the time, you’d make time for one-on-one time with them when you do have them.

She’s trying to force them to conform to her wishes of one big happy blended family while not realizing that by spending 1:1 time with her other kids is alienating your kids from both her and their half siblings. I’d keep proof of the fact that you both receive notifications of school events, just in case she tries to use this against you.

The father feels justified in his actions, but is he being fair in his approach? Should he have been more communicative about Noah’s event, or was his ex-wife’s behavior the real issue? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!