AITA for not telling my boyfriend that my friend is a lesbian?

A Redditor shared a dilemma involving their boyfriend and best friend. The 16-year-old boy and his lesbian best friend Carly, who is closeted, have a close bond, which made his boyfriend Quinn feel insecure.

When Quinn caught the two in a seemingly intimate moment, despite their purely platonic relationship, things escalated. Carly revealed she was a lesbian, leaving Quinn upset that he wasn’t informed earlier. Now, the Redditor is torn between protecting Carly’s privacy and Quinn’s feelings. Read the full story below to see how things unfolded.

‘ AITA for not telling my boyfriend that my friend is a lesbian?’

Me 16M and my best friend Carly 15F have known each other since we were little. I’m bi and she’s a lesbian but she’s so fem like debutant ball fem noone can ever tell.

She’s closeted because her dad is our preacher and the only ones to know are me and her girlfriend. We’ve known each other so long that we sometimes play flirt and just have a lot of general fun together especially at work at Walmart.

I started dating my boyfriend Quinn 15M a few months ago. He sometimes gets upset about how much time I spend with Carly. He sometimes thinks something is going on between me and her and that were doing stuff behind his back no matter how many times I tried to dissuade him.

Last week while at work Carly had a bit of a freak out when she thought her dad found out about her and on lunch break I kinda just let her lay on my lap in my car while she calmed down. Quinn came by for like a surprise lunch thing and saw us. He absolutely freaked out yelling at me he knew it.

I tried to explain it wasn’t like that but he was sooo mad. Carly just told him to shut up and that she was a lesbian. He immediately got this ” oh” look on his face while she walked off.

He then got mad again saying I should’ve just told him that instead of letting him feel jealous and hurt. I tried to explain she wasn’t out but he was like I knew he wouldn’t have said anything. He’s still at mad at me about it. AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

applebum8807 −  Carly’s sexuality is not your bf’s business especially if she isn’t out. But I don’t think you should be play flirting with someone if you’re in a relationship.

EDIT: Just realizing I didn’t actually give judgement. ESH, because you didnt need to tell your bf Carly’s sexuality, but even so his concerns were not entirely unfounded considering the play flirting.

Luminus8181 −  ESH. You are young though, so this isn’t a surprising thing. You are all still learning boundaries and how to be comfortable in your own skin and relate to others. I wish there was a softer word, but AITA is the sub…..

BF should have been OK with your explanation. He shouldn’t have pushed you, and shouldn’t have needed Carly to out herself to accept your explanation of your relationship with Carly.

Also, play-flirting and being high contact/PSA with someone who’s “just a friend” is kind of a warning sign, so I can understand Quinn’s insecurity. You owe it to him to listen when he says he’s uncomfortable. If you don’t want to, that’s a sign you should break it off with Quinn.

There’s no fault in saying, “you know, I’ve been friends with Carly for a long time and don’t need you being insecure about that. If you’re too uncomfortable and don’t trust me, maybe we shouldn’t date.”

Just know that Carly may move on from your friendship once she comes out and if you forsake other relationships for this one it may harm you. It sounds like you are a good friend, but may also be harboring some feelings for her.

For her part, Carly probably knows she’s making your relationship difficult and continues to press that boundary between friend and partner/support. If she doesn’t, you need to share that with her in a way that doesn’t hurt her (easier said than done, for sure.)

Opia_lunaris −  The issue is that you were behaving in a flirty way with someone else. Your bf isn’t out of bounds for not liking it and filling in the blanks that noone else is filling in for him. You’re n t a for not telling that you friend is lesbian, but YTA for behaving in a way that gives rise to the whole issue in the first place (your female friend is also included in the YTA).

Legitimate_Yard1609 −  If your boyfriend started “play flirting” which is flirting with a female friend would you be ok with it?
Before anyone says it different it’s not, if you’re bi s**ual it’s the same thing. In my opinion yta but not for not telling him she is a lesbian.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Your boyfriend has a right to be upset. You have a friendship with someone in which you flirt to the point where your boyfriend is uncomfortable. This is not okay to do if your partner is uncomfortable with it. You don’t get to say, “we’re just play flirting…” As an excuse for doing something that hurts your partner.

half_a_shadow −  So all of you who say n t a would be ok with their partner flirting with another man/woman and them laying their head in your partner’s lap? I know these are teenagers but the boyfriend wasn’t wrong to state his boundaries.

motpol339 −  I’m going to with YTA. IMO your BF is coming from a reasonable place where you even admit you play flirt with Carly. You should probably not play flirt unless your BF is cool with it and understands it’s not coming from something deeper.

es, Carly may be a lesbian but you’re bi, so you need to check yourself and how you act. Basically, you should have recognized that you continued an act that made your bf uncomfortable while withholding information that could have made him ok with it.

I understand not outing Carly….so instead what you should have done is to talk with Carly and say, that the play flirting needs to stop as you’re bf who doesn’t know Carly is uncomfortable with it. Let her decide if she wanted to come out to your bf to help ease the tension.

Just because YOU know there’s nothing going on doesn’t mean you should continue to do it. The actual comforting part is fine as was not telling your bf Carly is lesbian when she was still in the closet.

goodgreif_11 −  Lesbian here: ESH. Her sexuality is not your bf’s business. I think possibly talking about it with Carly about how your bf suspects this might have helped. Like she could’ve just told him she’s a lesbian. Also….was play flirting necessary? Like I can’t really blame your bf for suspecting.

[Reddit User] −  I feel like absolutely everyone is overlooking the fact you’ve stated you’re male and Carly is a lesbian. Why does everyone keep calling you “she”?

It’s weird, because the story doesn’t make sense (for you to be bi, to have a boyfriend, bestie to be a lesbian and BF to have an “oh” look upon finding out) WITHOUT you being male.. but i digress… ESH.

You – i know she’s your mate and you’ve been that way for a while but when you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship you must exercise boundaries. It’s called respect. the best way to go about this is to actually have a discussion and communicate what does and doesn’t make the other uncomfortable. You might be surprised.

Carly – she must know how this makes your partner feel and lesbian or not, whether he knew or not, whether she wanted to not be outed or not.. You can tell when your best friends partner is uncomfortable with your relationship and again, out of respect, you reel it in NOT rub it in (flirting, touching in any excessive way etc).

Bf – he’s actually at the bottom because despite his insecurity and despite not being owed her sexuality y’all could have definitely done more to make him feel comfortable. Not saying walk on egg shells but it’s hard enough being in relationship at this age, then being gay, then being with someone whos bi.. yeah.

Idk guys. I feel like you could have read the room. If carly’s girlfriend was bi and all up on some cute guy she claimed to be best friends with, she’d probably feel the same.

[Reddit User] −  NTA I really don’t understand why people can’t let their spouses have platonic opposite-gender friends without accusing them of cheating & as someone who’s gay it’s definitely Carly’s decision to come out to him on her own time.

I am however curious about the flirting and what the “general fun together” is. I could see why he might be suspicious if you guys are f**king around even if nothing will ever happen bc of it.