AITA for not taking my wife as my plus one?

A Reddit user shares a dilemma about declining his fiancée’s request to attend his best friend’s upcoming garden party as his plus one.

With finances tight and knowing that his friend often covers his expenses to fit in at such events, the user felt uncomfortable asking for more, fearing it could strain his friend’s already difficult relationship with his dad. His fiancée, however, took this as a sign that he doesn’t care about her. Read the story below to see how the situation unfolded.

‘ AITA for not taking my wife as my plus one?’

ETA: FIANCE, NOT WIFE, MY MISTAKE. Alright, I’m going to be honest here, me (25M) and my fiance, Lily (26F), are not currently in the best financial situation. I have student debt, and although I have a consistent job thanks to my degree, I’ve still got quite some way to go until I’m at a stable position (especially with us both saving up for our wedding).

Despite this, my best friend, James (25M), who is in a different financial situation to me, often invites me to events held by his dad, or family occasions which he can get me into. We’ve been close since we were like 6, and got even closer when he was put in my foster home for a while (they couldn’t find his dad).

The thing is James and his dad have a somewhat strained relationship, with his dad being kind of snobby, so James usually lends/buys me something to fit in on the day of the event, which obviously, costs him money.

I used to protest when I was younger, but james doesn’t like going to those things on his own, and I’ve gotten accustomed to letting get me things. Next weekend, James’ dad is holding some sort of garden party, and James as usual invited me. Lily was annoyed, and asked if I could take her as my plus one.

I mentioned that there’s usually a pretty strict dress code and I don’t want James to get in trouble with his dad (they have a weird relationship) Lily said that James could just do what he usually does, which is get her something to fit in. I said I wasn’t going to ask one of my closest friends for more money and/or mess up his relationship with his dad more than it already is.

Lily was really mad, and said this meant I didn’t care about her, because James clearly didn’t have a problem ‘forking over’ for me and all she was doing was suggesting I ask. I don’t know, I’m in a tough spot here and I just think it would be weird to invite another guest on James’ dime. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Major_Barnacle_2212 −  NTA. What an incredibly rude suggestion your “fiancé” made. James takes you and makes you fit in as his guest because he enjoys your company. If he ever wanted to extend that invitation beyond you I promise he’d have already done it.

Not to mention, your company is kind of the return on his investment. Bringing your significant other would make him feel like a third wheel – and probably would make him feel very used.

Raedriann −  NTA. I would, however, let James know that constantly going to these events without your wife is putting a strain on your relationship. If this is a two or three time per year occurrence, that’s one thing. But you said often, and if it’s more often than you get date nights with your wife, I could see how she feels like she’s getting a raw deal as James can afford more of your time than she can.

EducationalLetter768 −  ESH or yta – have you considered her problem in the first place was you not taking her to the event instead of the fight being over a dress? You brought up the dress code!!

She didn’t want the dress she just wanted to be with you and you outright refused because “dress code”. You could have at least ask your friend if she can come (the fact you didn’t is what upsets her) .. I’m sure she was just planning to wear her pre owned dress that fits the dress code.

You could have considered that james could approve her dress before the event so it fits the dress code
It wasn’t about the dress it wasn’t about james buying her something!

*Especially as it seems James invites you very often (twice a month) and she’s going to be your wife soon and never came with you
*You forgot to mention it’s a freaking garden party not some fancy ball – that’s not something for strict dress code

*You also forgot to mention your “dates” with your fiancee are “often indoor dates” (by your word) = basically inside the house! That’s not quality time and certainly not a date. That’s just a regular life of living together

*Final edit – OP keeps changing his wording on his replies so it would fit his narrative even 9 hours after I posted my reply – dude this is getting ridiculous!! Definitely an a**hole!!!🤦🏼‍♀️😡 – you don’t actually want a real answer!! I see a failed marriage in your future

Prestigious-Use4550 −  YTA. This whole things sounds like you are dating your friend. I don’t blame your girlfriend for wanting to go with you. It sounds like you get to go out to fancy events while she sits at home. I am sure she feels left out.

Adventurous_War8883 −  Yes, it would be weird and inappropriate to ask your friend to buy your fiance a dress. NTA. What’s wrong with her?

Sepa-Kingdom −  You need to either drop the frequency of these events, or start taking your wife with you.
You both need to discover vinted. It’s the best place for high quality pre-loved clothing that won’t break your budget.

anxious_crafter323 −  NTA
I don’t think you’re able to a**hole for saying no on the context of him purchasing her something to wear. That said, i don’t think she’s an a**hole for asking to go to the party. If these are fancy events that you frequently get to go to, and often get new outfits for, I would assume she occasionally feels like she’s missing out. And maybe part of it is usually these big events are ones you go to as a couple.

Being your fiancé and eventually wife, it may really feel like she’s being more so excluded. I’m guessing that’s where part of the “you don’t care about me” is coming from.

And while it would be rude to ask for clothes, part of me would think if she’s seen him buy you new nice clothing time and time again, she may not see the harm in asking, even if you prefer to be modest.

Dashqu −  ESH. Fiancee for expecting someone else to buy her clothes.
You for telling her the reason she cant come is because of a dresscode and not because she wasnt invited.

Ranae −  I’m not going to say you’re the a**hole for not wanting to ask your friend to buy your fiancé a dress, but YTA for going to the events a few times a month that your gf will never be invited to.  Like a few times a year, fine, but try to see it from your partner’s perspective.

G2KY −  YTA. You should go to these events less frequently if you want to have a marriage in the future. Also, take your fiancee to fancy events. No, going out to eat at Olive Garden does not count.