AITA for not supporting my sister while she figures out her s**uality?

A young woman (18F) came out as a lesbian at 13 and confided in her sister (21F) about her s**uality, but her sister was dismissive and unsupportive, which caused their relationship to deteriorate.

Over the years, the sister never apologized for her behavior, and the young woman struggled with mental health issues that her sister also refused to support. Recently, the sister confided in her about feeling no romantic or s**ual attraction and was exploring the possibility of being aroace.

When she tried to discuss it, the young woman said she was willing to help her sister but would not support her emotionally, feeling that she had been hurt too much in the past. The sister called her selfish, and the young woman is now wondering if she’s in the wrong.

‘ AITA for not supporting my sister while she figures out her s**uality?’

 I (18f) have been out to my whole family as a lesbian since i was 13 but came out to my sister (21f) before everyone else. i’ve always looked up to her a lot and wanted her to like me, but she’s always looked down on me and nothing i ever did seemed to be good enough for her,

our relationship has slowly deteriorated through the years and she grew further apart from me while i still tried to cling onto her. so when i came out to her and she was super dismissive and not at all supportive it really stung, it felt like the final breaking point in our relationship,

especially because i gave her several other chances to take back the things she said to me over the next three years and she stood by it, and i confronted her several times and she kept insisting she did nothing wrong and refused to apologise, eventually i gave up.

additionally, i’ve stuggled heavily with my mental health throughout most of my life and she also never supported me in that, and when it was getting really bad she actually called me crazy, and again, when confronted she claimed she was justified and did nothing wrong.

recently, however, she confided to me that she’s never felt real romantic or s**ual attraction to anyone in her life and she didn’t know what was wrong with her, so i suggested that she could be aroace, because i know how hard and confusing it is having to figure out your s**uality on your own.

she did some research on it and came back to me a couple weeks later and said that it sounded a lot like her and she tried to initiate a whole conversation about it. she was staring to get all teary and venting about her experiences and stuff and i cut her off.

i told her i was willing to help her figure herself out because i knew what it was like, but that i wasn’t going to support her emotionally. she got a bit upset about this and told me i was being selfish, but i didn’t budge. AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

sirdigbus −  NTA, but is it tit for tat or do you genuinely not like her enough to support her? It’s totally fine, but not supporting her because she didn’t support you is a little immature, whereas if your issues run deeper than that then it’s justified.

inquisitivemind79 −  NTA but I feel like you should allow some space for nuance.  You said you came out at 13 but you told your sister first so maybe 12?  She was either 15 or 16 at the time and at that age she could have been dealing with b**lying and transitioning to high school and all sorts of stuff and just been a dumb teenager not knowing how to react.

If she said something like “well don’t tell anyone at school” that doesn’t sound supportive, but she might have meant “telling someone at school could be dangerous”. But idk what she actually said to you. I know a lot of people who seemed very h**ophobic in middle/high school and later came out in college.

Middle and high school is filled with b**lying and people being mistreated for being queer it can be very scary to come out and support queerness until after high school. Society pushes people to be h**ophobic for fear of safety in school. Not everyone is brave enough to show support. She was a kid too.

She definitely didn’t act right and you are under no obligation to help her emotionally but there’s a lot of factors in play here that might explain why she reacted as poorly as she did. But you’re both adults now and in different places in life.  I’m sorry your sister was not supportive of you. You never ever deserved that. 

Cautious-Lie-6342 −  Is your goal to improve a relationship or to feel like you are giving payback?

Rohini_rambles −  You also confided in her and she was crappy in her support…. looking back now, maybe she was crappy in her support because she literally had no real understanding of what you were saying? If you told her you were lesbian, she could not understand at 16 wanting to be with anyone…. so this would have baffled her greatly.

You are totally within your rights to set boundaries. Why were you even willing to hear her talk about her s**uality so much so  that she confided in you in the  first place? You’re willing to support her but not emotionally…. so you’ll do whatever exactly? Listen to her talk about her feelings but not comfort her?

Give her statistics? You’re younger and she hurt you… how much of thisnis you trying to hurt her back when she’s vulnerable? And how much is it your protecting your peace? I’m trying to understand what you meant by you’ll support her but not emotionally.

Responsible_Jump_669 −  YNTAH, but What’s your objective? To show her how it felt? I guess I’m on the fence; you were hurt and needed more love from your family. Would you afford a stranger that same thing? Most of the time, people’s reactions are 100 percent about *them* and their baggage, not you.

She might’ve been fearful and confused by your ability to be true yourself. Who the hell knows? You can honestly make a list on paper of the benefits of supporting her versus not. Whichever list is bigger, go with it. I can see where you’re coming from, and it seems like you’re not really someone who wants others to suffer.

slackerchic −  NAH. I totally get why you don’t want to be supportive to someone who was not supportive to you, and you have no responsibility to do so. However, have you ever thought that maybe your sister was slightly jealous of you? She could have thought “Damn, OP has it all figured it out.

She knows how she feels, even if those feelings are difficult and painful.” As we get older we just have to decide whether something/someone is worth giving grace to. You could be a source of inspiration for her, and break down a barrier that has seemingly existed for a long time, but you have no obligation to.

That being said, I think way too much emphasis is spent trying to “figure it out”. S**uality is and always will be fluid. Regardless of your typical preference, there’s just no way we like the same type of person at 15, at 35, at 55, at 85. Trying to put it in any box can really set someone up for failure and make them feel like their walls are closing in.

ncslazar7 −  NTA. She called you selfish, but you’re literally just telling her you have no interest in being used. She didn’t support you emotionally, but wants your support. Relationships go both ways.

Imnotawerewolf −  NTA she’s been actively antagonistiv towards you for years, she doesn’t get to demand support from you now that she feels you might be use*ful* instead of use*less*. And that’s on her.

I am seriously side eyeing everyone who thinks you’re just being petty or like you not supporting her makes you an a**hole in any way. I have to assume they’re routine assholes and expect people in their lives to support them anyway. 

tepiknat −  NTA for your reaction to your sister but I will offer this. You are both still growing developmentally and figure things out for yourselves. In my experience, people can be dismissive to others when they’re also struggling but can’t find the words to say that they’re struggling.

In the end, set the boundaries you need, for your own health, but maybe be open to working on your relationship with your sister, if she expresses trying to repair it as well.

Was the young woman justified in refusing emotional support to her sister after years of mistreatment, or should she have been more understanding? What do you think? Share your thoughts below! Read the original story below…