AITA for not splitting my finances with my husband?

The OP (25F) and her husband (26M) recently married and have been managing their finances together. However, the OP has a side hustle where she collects, restores, and sells items on eBay, using the profits to grow her collection. While her husband knew about this beforehand, he’s become upset about her spending on her collection and frequently criticizes her eBay sales. This tension is escalating to the point where OP is hiding purchases and turning off notifications to avoid conflict.

‘ AITA for not splitting my finances with my husband?’

Me [F25] and my husband [M26] got married this summer. We live in an apartment that i own. I have a full time job and I’m earning more than him. He works from home and earns also well but I’m slightly above him with my salary. We are sharing equally our finances like a husband and wife should.

Well i am also a collector. I spend plenty of time going to flea markets at 5am 4 times a week. I collect, i restore and i also sell. eBay is my side hustle. Not only i enjoy collecting but im also earning some side money from there. I restore most of the “junk” and try to make a profit to grow my collection.

My husband knew all of this because we dated for 7 years prior. I was very upfront and i told him that the money i make from my collection and from my flea market are the money I’m gonna invest into my collection and i wont be putting that into our household bills. It was fine. Till we got married.

Then he started getting mad and angry whenever i buy something for my collection. He’s constantly checking whether i sold something on eBay and ask whats my statement on my eBay’s account. I have a separate debit card that i use for and from my eBay sales only and I’m not taking any money out from our monthly salaries.

December was my busiest month so far with all the holidays and thankfully i was able to afford a piece for my collection that cost around 1300$ so i went for it. The thing is he still doesn’t know about it. Because i fear that he’d get mad. I know it’s my money and i know i have a right to spend on whatever i want but i still feel threatened and judged because of his upcoming reaction.

Last month i was eyeing another piece i was missing to add to my collection and my mom offered to get it for me for Christmas, so she paid for the item, and my husband was very angry finding that out because he thought i could forward those money on getting us something else instead. Like a new coffee table or some kitchen utensils.

We have no debts, its my apartment under my name that i got, he put his fair share into it by helping out renovating and everything, i cant complain, but it was 90% me. I put my whole salary into the bills and the groceries and whatever furniture we need, so i feel its not fair him controlling my side hustle.

Recently whenever he hears the eBay notification that i have sold something is getting mad that i am making money, and is constantly putting up jokes saying “there it comes money from doing nothing.” Which is pretty annoying because i put tons of effort into my collection. I have started to turn off the notifications so he wont get jealous or cocky.

Once in an argument he said that me earning more and doing eBay side hustle is gonna make him seem weak and it’s gonna make me more dominant. And the thing that hurt me the most was one night him jokingly saying “well i hope you don’t sell anything so you wouldn’t be spending those money on stupid things again…”

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

WavesnMountains −  You should’ve saved to renovate on your own, because now he’s got a claim on your apartment if he put money toward renovation. I would stop collecting and start hoarding the money, because the switch up after marrying is concerning.

ubiquitouskjz −  NTA but the behaviour from your husband is concerning that this switched when you were married. You stated you were clear that your hobby/collection money is exactly that and will always be for that. He changed the goalposts once you were ‘locked down’. The fact you are taking measures and precautions to avoid him finding out even if it is subconsciously is also concerning. I think you need to ask yourself if you can live like this or if he can change his behaviour.

Kukka63 −  NTA, your husband’s attitude is rather appaling. He clearly waited, until you were married, before he showed his true colours regarding finances.

PTXLover_4Eva −  NTA. GURRRLLLL. COME ON!!!

perpetuallyxhausted −  NTA but if you both earn well (outside of you side hustle I mean) and you own your home and I’m assuming don’t have kids, where is all his money going? That’s not to say that bills aren’t expensive no matter where you’re at in life, but whys he so pressed about not having access to your side earnings?

Personally I’m not a fan of completely combining finances. I think there should be a shared account for bills/shared expenses and each person puts an agreed upon percent of their pay check into that account and then has personal access to the rest of their pay check to use however they want.

Puzzleheaded_Air2690 −  NTA but you are a bit of a wet lettuce if you don’t ditch the husband. Why would you keep such an insecure, pathetic a**hole in your life? You need to raise your standards. Have some self respect and commence divorce proceedings.

Ecstatic_Chocolate34 −  Yes, yes Redditors are notorious for saying leave the a**hole. Here I am being a Reddit stereotype. THERE’S A REASON. Redditors get that certain behavior patterns show something deeply toxic that is like having cancer in your relationship, and why wouldn’t you have surgery to get rid of cancer if you could? Life’s too short to “try and work on” things that are just toxic AF and VERY unlikely to change. Get rid of this a-hole.

Jumpy_Willingness707 −  Your husband sounds controlling and emotionally a**sive. This is how it starts and then it escalates. You are absolutely NTA. Especially since you had this agreement and understanding before you got married. It sounds like he has more of an inferiority complex and needs counseling. Or a new wife.

You shouldn’t have to give up your hobby just because he’s jealous. Nor should you have to change up your phone settings because he’s jealous. OP, take it from experience, this is not normal behavior or healthy. It will get worse over time.

imamage_fightme −  NTA. I have to warn you hon, it is not unusual for people to wait until marriage to show their true colours, and I fear that is the case here. You have been doing this for years. It isn’t new, it isn’t a surprise to him. You keep this whole thing seperate, it doesn’t affect your ability to pay bills or live your life. You aren’t making money “doing nothing”, as you spend time finding these things and fixing them up. That’s a very valid, normal side hustle.

His behaviour now is alarming frankly, and it needs to be addressed. If he is unwilling to let it go or engage in couples counseling, I don’t know how you move forward. Because it isn’t sustainable to live with him with this attitude. At the moment, it is obvious he won’t stop unless you stop what you are doing or (more likely what he wants) share your income with him. That is not okay. He needs to deal with this because you can’t keep walking on eggshells, it’s exhausting. Good luck!

EwwDavvidd −  I have a side hustle/ hobby too. NTA. Remind him that your salary is joint, but your hobby is something you’re going to invest in. If it continues to lack support, then suggest that you keep separate accounts and put equal funds into a joint account for all household bills, joint vacations, etc. Good luck with your side hustle.