AITA for not spending time with an absent father after meeting him for the first time in 8 years?

‘ AITA for not spending time with an absent father after meeting him for the first time in 8 years?’

I (15) have had very minimal contact with my father as my parents divorced when I was a toddler and I was raised by a very loving mother and grandparents whom I adore.

My father told my mother through email abruptly that he was flying to the city we live in bcs he has some work related stuff here. From what I’ve heard he tried pretty hard to get this opportunity (for context he’s a college professor and pretty known in his field so he came here for like educational conferences or something I’d imagine.). And he asked to meet me (and complementarily my mum).

When I first heard this I was just a bit surprised and a bit annoyed. I’d never even spoken to him practically my entire life, maybe once or twice at most as a kid. Additionally, this is never voiced but I’m a minor and I have always had an unexplainable fear around adult men. They make me uncomfortable, unless they are a family member (which I don’t consider my dad to be) or like a service worker. But I obviously try not to visibly show it.

I didn’t want to go, but I feared that would be impolite. It felt obligatory since he flew all the way to ‘see me’. He wanted to get a Christmas pressie for me, and my mum and I went to pick him up at a university and we drove to a shopping centre. The entire way I just felt so..disgusted by him and I just played music in the car so I wouldn’t feel so awkward. I didn’t say anything the entire ride.

My mum had told him that I really wanted these headphones for Christmas and he offered to get them for me. I was surprised but happy, I guess, and I thanked him since the headphones were very costly. He also got a few books for me, and ended up spending around a thousand dollars for my ‘present’. You see, I don’t know how to feel about this, but I still thanked him since he was buying me stuff. It was only right to remain civil and grateful.

He then asked the bookstore manager to take a photo of us together. He wanted me to stand in the middle but I felt weird so I went to stand next to my mum. He then asked if he could take a photo with me and I declined. It didn’t feel right at the time but I still should have been nice anyway and just taken the photo.

He’s been absent for most of my life and idk him, yet he spent a thousand dollars on me-which is nothing compared to what my mum and family have done for me throughout the past 15 years obviously, but it’s still no small amount.

I rarely spoke today, and now that he’s probably on a flight and that I’ll never see him again for a few years I’d imagine I feel horrible. I still don’t see him as anywhere close to family, but I think I could’ve at least spoken to him more and made him feel less unwelcome.

Since we were sort on time it was basically pick him up -> buy stuff for me -> drop him off at where he needs to be. I feel bad for making this seem purely transactional almost. This has been weighing on me more than I’d like to admit.. So am I a bad person for this?

Check out how the community responded:

tinyd71 −  This man parachuted into your life when it was convenient for *him*, and has expectations of you that are all about him. You’re 15 and you’re going to make mistakes, but this isn’t one of them. You feel how you feel. You don’t owe this man anything. If he wants closeness, gratitude, or anything else from you, he should make a real effort to be part of your life (and should have done over the last however many years).. NTA.

tatersprout −  NTA. Your feelings are valid. Buying you gifts does not make up for not attempting to see you or be in your life for 8 years. He does not get to buy the “father experience”. I give you much credit for even meeting him and taking the one pic together. I don’t think I would have even participated in that. You were not under any obligation to take a pic with just him. I hope you give yourself the space to process all this because he is a stranger to you.

venturebirdday −  I think I have a different way of phrasing the emotions that might help you be more accepting of your choices. I USED to do, as in I no longer do and am probably out of practice, family therapy and I often saw this dynamic with absent parents.

Your father is not your DAD. He does not know you. He has not invested in you as a person. To him you are some thing between a coat in the closet and young child. Once you were that little sprout and showing up with gifts might have been ok. He expected to slot into the DAD space without ever seeing you as a real person.

Rejecting the picture was your way of guarding yourself. You are not a coat waiting until he feels like taking you out of the closet. You are not a baby to be bought off with bobbles. He was ok being photobombing your life and pretending to be your DAD but you were not.. Good for you. If he wants to invest in a relationship with you, then he can earn the right to space in your heart, at your pace.. NTA.

99999999999999999989 −  NTA in the least. $1000 in presents does not make up for 15 years of not being a dad. He tried to bribe you for a photo but failed because you have more integrity than that.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…Spending a thousand dollars on a gift doesn’t make him a parent, so you owe him nothing on that front. Your mother probably should not have put you in this situation. He wasn’t coming to see you. He was coming for something else, and this made seeing you convenient. It’s natural to feel awkward under these circumstances. The feeling will pass and you can just go on with your life.

wise_hampster −  NTA. You sound like a thoughtful and polite person interacting with someone who is essentially a complete stranger.

_DisasterArea_ −  Did he talk to you at all about what’s gone down the last decade? How YOU feel about meeting him? Expectations for the future? Or was this literally a photo-op and some paid guilt relief? Like did he at all acknowledge that just dropping in out of nowhere might be weird for you?

River_Song47 −  Nta. You’re not a talking doll to perform for him when he decides to play with you. You’re a human being he’s ignored for 15 years. 

IllustriousWash8721 −  NTA. This is a classic case of absentee father swoops in and spends money on offspring he has not relationship with and then leaves. There are waaaay too many stories like this, the father trying to buy the affections of the child that they do not deserve. You did nothing wrong, you followed his lead.

You didn’t want the picture, you didn’t take it. You didn’t make yourself uncomfortable to make someone else feel better. Also want to add, your post is very well written for someone who is 15 years old.

AccomplishedInsect28 −  NTA. At 15, you sound like you have more self-awareness and emotional maturity than your college professor father. If he wanted a relationship with you, he has had 15 years to cultivate one. Living in a different city is no excuse; he could have been calling, emailing, texting, facetiming, writing to you.

It’s very unfair of both your parents to have foisted this on you and I hope you’re feeling ok after the whole thing. Don’t feel guilty about the gifts – that was probably an attempt to assuage his _own_ guilt over being a quintessential deadbeat dad. Maybe he will want more of a relationship with you going forward, but it will be your choice if you want to allow him into your life and his responsibility to earn your trust and respect.