AITA for not spending Christmas at my dad’s after he made upsetting comments about my deceased ex?

A Reddit user (18, non-binary) shared their decision to leave their father’s house on Christmas after he made hurtful comments about their deceased ex-boyfriend. The user had been grieving their ex, who passed away suddenly in October, and had been struggling with the holidays. Their father, who had been supportive initially, lashed out when the user was late coming home and accused them of “moping over a dead boy.”

He also criticized their grief, telling them their ex wasn’t “worth their grief” and that they should focus on spending Christmas with their family instead. After this argument, the user packed up and went to their mother’s house, as they no longer have to follow a custody order. Their sister later called, accusing them of ruining Christmas. The user is now questioning if they were wrong for leaving after the argument. Read the full story below to understand more about the family dynamics and their difficult decision.

‘ AITA for not spending Christmas at my dad’s after he made upsetting comments about my deceased ex?’

When I was growing up he was emotionally a**sive towards me and my sister but recognised that he wasn’t a good father and genuinely put work into being a better and kinder parent. However, he still be very arguementative at times. Our parents are divorced and the custody court order ended for me this year as I turned 18, however it’s still in place for my sister as she’s still a minor.

In October, my ex-boyfriend died very suddenly. He was only 18 and I was devastated, I still am. We were friends since we were 12 and dated when we were 16-17. We had an amicable breakup and still had a great friendship. When I came out as Non-binary this year, he was the one who cut my hair into a style that made me feel more comfortable and was always incredibly supportive. I was not OK and I’m still grieving him.

My dad didn’t really like my ex for reasons I don’t know but helped me with my grief and supported me throughout the grieving process. As a result, I have not been entirely festive this year as my ex’s birthday is the day after Christmas and I’m dreading it because I know it will be a hard day. I have done my absolute best to be cheerful and to be excited for Christmas with my family.

Yesterday, I met up with my ex’s sister as we’re good friends and also I wanted to be there for her because I know that the grief I’m feeling is 10 times worse for her. I was a little late coming home as we talked for a while. When I got home, I apologised for being late and my dad blew up at me. He told me he didn’t want my excuses and he was fed up of me “moping over a dead boy who wasn’t worth my grief”.

I was stunned and began crying as my dad went on this rant about he never liked my ex because he was “troublesome” and that me seeing his sister and the fact I was still grieving him was “taking me away from what mattered the most; spending Christmas with my family”.

When he was done, he told me to clean up and get ready to go out for dinner with the family in 20 minutes. Instead, I went to my room, packed up my laptop and some of my clothes and left for my mum’s house. My dad called me demanding I go back because it’s his time with me but I reminded him the court order no longer applies to me and that I’m a legal adult so no longer have to see him. I told him that I’d maybe see him in the new year. He has been texting and calling nonstop.

My sister called me earlier begging me to come back because she’s sure our dad didn’t mean it and he is getting more angry and yelling at everyone over tiny mistakes. I told her I was sorry but no, I would not go back after what he said to me. Then she called me selfish and told me I’m ruining everyone’s Christmas. I’m worried that I have genuinely made things worse for everyone by leaving but I’m not going back until maybe the new year. AITA?.

DesertSong-LaLa −  NTA – Dad is a hurtful controlling person. Under no circumstances should you be treated this way. He uses his anger to control others too. Make and sustain your boundaries and restrictions because you are worth it.

KaliTheBlaze −  NTA. Your dad is the one ruining Christmas for everyone. Your sister is used to everyone trying not to rock the boat to keep him from turning into a rage monster, but that’s not a fair expectation.

embopbopbopdoowop −  NTA I feel for your sister here, since she’s stuck there, but she’s wrong: your dad absolutely meant it. Tell her you’re sorry you’re not with her, but that it your dad’s fault, not yours, and you cannot be his punching bag just to make Christmas bearable for her. Send your dad a similar text then block him until at least after Christmas. I’m so, so sorry for your loss, OP. Be with people who support you and don’t expect you to ‘stop moping’ and to get over your grief in two months.

d3vilishdream −  NTA, and let me make this abundantly clear. Your DAD is ruining Christmas by being an unrepentant a**hole to everyone. You did the absolute right thing in removing yourself from an unsupportive environment. Your dad’s mad he’s suffering the consequences of his words and is trying to make everyone miserable like him.

curlyfall78 −  NtA but also it sounds like he is being a**sive toward your sister. Tell your mom maybe she can get her out or at least try to help her.

123abcde321 −  NTA. No one needs that in their life. Sounds like you’re in a fairly good place right now. Don’t endanger yourself.

Sad-Product9034 −  NTA. It doesn’t matter if your father “tried to be better.” He’s not good enough. He should have kept his opinion to himself. My condolences on your loss.

Senator_Bink −  And told me I’m ruining everyone’s Christmas. No you’re not. Your ragey dad is. NTA. I’m sorry for your loss, the first holidays are the worst.

Olthar6 −  NTA some people have no empathy.  Your dad is one of those people. Congratulations on not needing to deal with it any more. 

loricomments −  NTA. Your father is ruining everyone’s Xmas, not you, and you need to tell your sister that and anyone else who is trying to coerce you into accepting his u**y behavior. It seems he hasn’t quite given up his a**sive ways.