AITA for not remortgaging my flat for a large amount?

A Reddit user shares a long and detailed story about the ongoing struggles of financially supporting their mother. After years of taking care of the flat where their mother lives, they faced demands to remortgage it for a much larger amount to accommodate her desires—including a bigger house where her controversial boyfriend could live.

When the user proposed a reasonable alternative, the mother rejected it and escalated the situation with entitlement and guilt trips. Now the user is left wondering if they should cut ties entirely and focus on their own family.

‘ AITA for not remortgaging my flat for a large amount?’

Apologies this will be long but I have to vent!! I F(41) have a flat my mum lives in. Backstory when I was a fresh faced 18 ur old (& naive af) I was working a fairly good job ( been working since I was 11 under the table) my mum almost lost the place grandad (RIP) got for us, so I (dumbly) took a loan out bought my uncle out of his half and had my mums shares transferred to me and had the deed/ title to the place put into my name on the condition she manages the repayments. I was unsure but she begged me to “help her out”. I moved out at 20.

I swear I don’t have sucker stamped on my forehead though sometimes I do wonder lols. (Note she only pays for the loan as per our agreement, even then sometimes I have to cover it cause she “can’t afford it this week) looking back I wonder if she preplanned it when someone opened there waha and spilled the beans of my plans.( I was in the process of buying my own place 6 hours away)

Just an FYI I am on the hook for Rates, insurance and water for the flat and have dutifully (cus I’m not a monster) been paying them for the last 23 years. Cut to now she is a bit elderly and needs to move to a one story as Gdads flat is upstairs downstairs and she can’t handle the stairs. She rang hubby & I the other week asked if we could consider remortgaging Gdads place and she find somewhere “cheap” and “easier for her to live” aka a one story on the ground.

Hubby and I say we will think about it. Later Hubby & I sit down together with our accountant who’s also (MIL)to make a budget so we could work something out like how much we would need to remortgage to find a “cheap” place for her to live.
we come up with a number after talking to the family peeps in the industry & they give us a massively good family discount quote that is suitable and will be easy for us to manage.

Hubby & I ring her and say yes sure we will remortgage the flat for x amount (I’d already spoken to the bank about using the flat based on current valuation as collateral to fund it, figuring we will be able to rent the current place out at market value, that will manage the loan repayments & rates for Gdads flat and we will have more disposable income if we don’t have to pay for that place. When the kids get older they do what they want with it. ). GOOD BUSINESS Yes??. Hubby ,family and I think so.

Even my oldest kid (16) was like that’s a good plan when I get older I’ll start a rental agency with GGDads place & cause nanny won’t be living in her new place for ever when she goes we can rent out that place too. As per family ideas and brainstorming. I suggested we get one of those kit set homes and a small plot of land cause the loan amount and repayments will be smaller.

The papers were ready to be signed ,my hubby family has large land in the country. MIL says she would sell 1/3 of an acre for 65,000 (way below market value) just to get my mum somewhere safe. Builders ready kitset home sorted we found one that was super cute cabin style 2 bedroom with kitchen and small lounge area perfect for a elderly lady for about $65,000 total cost for land & kitset is at $135,000. Add in building consent and costs for laying foundation etc 150,000-250,00.

Total remortgaging cost estimate $390,00 give or take. Repayments at $550 pw over 30 years.. 3 weeks later;; Ring my mum tell her the plan she told me to (F curse word here) off & wants a 3 bedroom house in the middle of town, so her financial grapist of a BF can move in with her. (When I was 19 he stole my credit card from me and maxed it out, I have nothing to do with him and he’s not allowed near the flat when I’m seeing my mother I am NC with that person.)

To top it off my mother says no any income from renting the flat will come to me.( as in her). I say to her well how will we pay the loan and rate for the flat. She says “oh you & (insert hubby name here”) can manage. Umm no no we can’t we have 5 kids and our own mortgage to pay. Our oldest is in her last year of high school and is looking at university in 2026 she wants to go into business management.

At this point if I’m going to be forced to remortgage,I’d rather remortgage it to fund my kids education. Here’s where I might be the ahole. I said to her if that’s how you feel, and you’re acting this entitled when it will be myself and hubby on the hook if anything goes wrong. We won’t do anything and you can stay in the current flat for now.

She threw a massive tantrum that would put my 4 year old to shame, saying it’s not fair,I have so much anger towards something so far in the past it’s absurd I still carry it with me. Why won’t I forgive (insert that person) & let him back into my life. (I’m not a fool). She claims He paid the price for his mistake when he was sentenced and convicted. I’m punishing her for a mistake that was made & I should get over it.

I told her that ever since that person came into her life & even before that . I was placed into dangerous situations no young girl should be in (I had to buy locks for my room & the bathroom).

(His friends were creepy & not respectful of boundaries) I said to her that I would never ever put money into funding a house for him to live in, & if they were so keen to live together why can’t he put some money up instead of it being all on me.
I also said that we weren’t taking out a massive mortgage when we have almost paid the one off on the flat. (25,000)

Kitset homes are like $60,000 and a small plot of land is like 150-200 (not telling her we getting good deal from hubby family cause not her business) getting, plumbers and electrical & builders would bring it up 260-390 instead of taking out 750-800 for a house in her preferred area. She claims that I’m being unfair and should want to take care of her in her old age.

I shot back I’ve been taking care of you since I was 4 ,cleaning up your messes & I’m tired. I am seriously considering just selling the flat completely so I can go NC we are currently LC If I didn’t have the flat I wouldn’t have anything to do with her..

She then wailed her favourite 2 catchphrase’s “ what about me” & “if u do sell the flat that $$ belongs to me (her) cause she “deserves it” and I “owe her” which is how every conversation with her goes. I think I need to stop worrying about her and concentrate on my own husband and children. What do you all think let me know in the comments..

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

MesoamericanMorrigan −  I’d cut her off personally. There’s clearly also a lot of abuse and s**t she enabled as well as essentially financially abusing you herself. Well done you for being so responsible, stable and financially literate with her as an example…

mortefina −  NTA. Sell the flat and go NC. she is trying to control you for her and her bfs benefit without caring for you and the damage already done.

Sweet_Vanilla46 −  Sell it, she can be her bf’s problem. There’s a reason “don’t bite the hand that feeds you” is a saying . Sounds like she put creepy boyfriend above her kid so you owe her nothing. NTA.

SavingsRhubarb8746 −  She wants you to re-mortgage an almost paid off flat??? How does that make any financial sense for you? You offered to do it, you even offered her a kit home, and she turned you down. You aren’t obliged to come up with another offer. If she can’t manage the stairs, she can work out a solution herself.

Personally, the most I’d offer would be to pay the rent on one of those senior’s cottages/apartments etc. They’re small – not room for the boyfriend – and always on one floor. NTA for refusing to buy her a three bedroom house in the centre of town!

Both-Mud-4362 −  NTA – but personally I would be asking her to remortgage it in her name and want to remove OP from the situation entirely. If mom can’t remortgage etc. I would want her to sign a tenancy agreement that specifically states she pays X monthly and needs to give notice if she leaves.

SickPuppy0x2A −  NTA prioritize your family (aka your children and your husband). It sounds like you already did a lot for her. She seems quite entitled to your stuff. My mom is as well but she suffers from a personality disorder(BPD/NPD). I wonder if you read up on those if some things will sound familiar to you. There are amazing support communities if that is the case.. Anyway good luck.

blackcat218 −  NTA. Evict her, sell the flat and move on with your life.

Graflex01867 −  NTA. What was the name of that Cab Calloway song again….Momma the Moocher? Oh wait, that’s Minnie the Moocher. But you’re stuck with the first one. If your mom can’t pay her own way, that’s her problem. You’re not obligated to help. It sounds like she’s already getting a pretty good deal living with you now.

Oh_Wiseone −  NTA – please protect yourself, and monitor if she continues with the payments on the mortgage. I assume the title of the property is in your name, so she can’t do anything foolish like try to sell the place. If she wants to move, then that is her choice and you should not fund. Otherwise, she has to abide by your rules and a small house where her bf does not live is part of the condition.