AITA for not reaching out to my family and refusing their demands?

A person recounts their strained relationship with a controlling and overbearing family. After growing up in a restrictive environment where friendships and outside connections were discouraged, they distanced themselves to build a stable, independent life.

Attempts to reconnect were met with guilt-tripping, yelling, and demands to move back home. Years later, family members only seem to reach out when they want money or favors. The person continues to refuse these demands but wonders if they’re in the wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not reaching out to my family and refusing their demands?’

I grew up in a “closed” extended family. We were pretty close with my aunts/uncles/cousins, often living together with one family unit in a single room (around 15 people in the house), however we didn’t have much contact with non-family members. As kids, we weren’t allowed to have friends. We were allowed to go to school, but had to come back home when it ended.

No hanging out with classmates and no after school activities. For me, personally, being the youngest one, I was usually an afterthought, even for my parents. Needless to say, I was suffering from depression. I moved out of the house when I went to college, and started exploring my freedom.

However, even then, I was expected to call everyday and come back home every weekend. As time went on, I started to distance myself by skipping phone calls and not going back every weekend. Eventually. I broke off all contact with my family.

A year after graduating, I had a pretty stable life for myself and I thought to get back in touch with at least my parents and siblings. The first few conversations (over phone) were just them yelling at me, and I endured it. After months of this, we were finally able to have some conversation.

And every time, I was the one who called. When I finally visited back home there was more yelling and they expected me to move back into the house. I refused their demand, which lead to more yelling again. This continued for a few more months without any progress. So, I started to distance myself again. That was over a decade ago.

Last year, I started to get phone calls from several family members. However, every single call follows the same routine; first they try to make me feel guilty about breaking contact and not calling or visiting (I just hang up if they start yelling), and then they want something from me. Usually they want money or have some of my cousins move in with me. My response to that is always no.. So, am I the a**hole?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

lmmontes −  Keep your life. NTA.

KaliTheBlaze −  NTA. That’s a very controlling, isolating family dynamic. I can’t fault anyone for not wanting to stay enmeshed in that, but especially so when they weren’t meeting your needs and weren’t allowing you to have others in your life to meet your needs.

It sounds like despite their deeply controlling family culture, you’ve come out of this with a healthy sense of balance and wanting to be engaged in the world but still have relationships with your family if they’ll allow you to have healthy boundaries. Don’t feel bad about limiting contact in response to their attempts to reel you back in so you’ll be under their control again.

If they continue to be intransigent on the subject, you may be forced to choose between cutting them off and returning to their control; if that happens, please know that you should not feel guilty for going low or no contact for your own well-being.

likeahike −  NTA, that’s not a family, that’s a cult. Protect yourself from their insanity.

Zorbie −  NTA, This sounds more like a cult than family, please NEVER let any of them move in or even spend the night at your home, they are trying to control you.

Logical-Cost4571 −  NTA this isn’t family. This is a cult that want you to fund their lifestyle

wisebirdcaseycasey −  OP, your family seems to have a toxic co dependency to each other. If you are raised in this, it is mind-bending and can draw you back. You need to be strong minded and have a standard by which you want to be treated and let no one undermine that.

Start reading books on assertiveness and self-help to build on. Have strong boundaries , and remember this your family will begin with your children. You have done so well pulling away and I applaud you. Keep going and come back here if you need to.

Gyrgal −  NTA. As others have said, that’s not family… it’s a cult. Change your contact numbers and keep them out of your life as you will not continue to flourish with them pulling you down emotionally.

ShadedBloonm −  totally relate to your experience. I had a similar family dynamic, and breaking free was the best decision for my mental health. You’re definitely NTA. Protect your peace, set boundaries, and remember you owe them nothing if they can’t respect you. Stay strong!

Complex-Anxiety-7976 −  NTA. Why on earth do you owe them the right to abuse you verbally and emotionally just because you share DNA?

strangelifedad −  So, they basically want to leech off of you? NTA and honestly outside of missing the family you actually never really had, I don’t understand why you are always the one reaching out only to end up being yelled at and guilt tripped.

I understand that you are torn. I am in a similar situation with my ex wife. My mind knows she is not good for me but my heart is just not ready to really follow. Therapy helps a lot for me there and so does my not-girlfriend but this lingering feeling of being unreasonable in my own wants is always somewhat there.

But that is just residual feelings of something you were used to for a very long time. Your brain is so used to ignore the bad things to protect yourself that you aren’t able to discern between actually needing this and just wanting something that you are used to back. It’s similar to an addiction pattern and you are in withdrawal. And with any addiction there is only one way to deal with it. Cutting it out of your life entirely.

Is it wrong to refuse contact and help with family members who only seem to reach out when they want something? Should personal peace take precedence over family expectations? Share your perspective below!