AITA For not punishing my daughter for mocking her cousin?

A Redditor (mid-40s) shares a situation with their wife and teenage daughter. The wife has been pushing for a close relationship between their daughter and her cousin, despite the fact that the two teens don’t get along.

After being forced into a video call with her cousin, the daughter created a humorous but cruel PowerPoint mocking her cousin’s personality. Now, the wife is upset, demanding punishment for the daughter, but the Redditor feels the situation wouldn’t have escalated if the relationship hadn’t been forced. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA For not punishing my daughter for mocking her cousin?’

My wife and her younger sister are best friends. As a result, when our middle daughter and her cousin were born around the same time, my wife really expected them to also be best friends. With sixteen years of hindsight, I can say with certainty that the expectation was misplaced. Nothing happened in particular. My daughter just doesn’t like her cousin.

My wife keeps pushing the relationship. This includes making my daughter spend time with her cousin during family gatherings, inviting her cousin on trips, forcing my daughter to call her. We’re pretty sure I’m the favorite parent (a fact that keeps my ego well-inflated), and, therefore, my apathy towards the situation is not well-received by my wife.

From my perspective, this isn’t important, and I do not possess the ability to make two teenagers become friends. I’m also pretty sure that trying to push this kind of knuckleheaded stuff makes kids not want to speak to you. This is where I’m probably an a**hole. Yesterday, my wife forced my daughter to video call her cousin.

My daughter rejected to request, and my wife told her: “Unless you have a valid reason for disliking your cousin, you will do this because we’re family”. The call occurred. This morning, we awoke to a PowerPoint presentation titled *Valid Reasons to Dislike \[Cousin\].* Using clips from the zoom call, segments included *Why is \[Cousin’s\] Voice so Grating?

A Music Theory Approach, A Case Study: Conversations That Provide No Value*, *Rethinking the Idea That There Are No Dumb Questions*, ect. With the benefit of a couple of hours of hindsight, it was a very cruel takedown of her cousin’s entire personality.

My wife was furious. My eldest daughter and I lost our s**t laughing. My wife is demanding I support her in punishing my daughter for bullying her cousin. I have refused because I feel this is whole situation wouldn’t have occurred if she didn’t push the relationship, but I’m starting to have second thoughts because it was very mean. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

RiverRedhead −  NTA. Your wife is TA for forcing a 16 year old to spend time with someone she doesn’t like, the 16-year old’s response to your wife (she didn’t tell the cousin this, I presume), is as hilarious as it is the fault of the adults’ forcing their relationship.

I’m also not convinced that the cousin is down with this either, considering that the daughter is so clearly unhappy with spending time with her. ETA: I replied and judged the original story as posted. In this original OP, he stated the cousin didn’t see the presentation and clarified he made the daughter delete it.

I have my suspicions if that other one claiming the inverse is even real, given that popular AITA posts often see copycat fakes and “other side stories” in the days after a post is on the front page of AITA.

Whether you choose to believe the OP here that he had her delete and didn’t show the presentation to the cousin, or whether you believe that the inverse is true according to a post that appeared shortly after this was #1 in one of most popular subreddits is your prerogative.

feelslikenotmyissue −  I’d also just like to say, I feel incredibly bad about laughing. She just started with a music theory lecture about some special discordant chord. Then, she had a video of the chord that immediately went into a zoom clip of her cousin producing the same notes. I just couldn’t hold it in.

metalasfck −  NTA. Unless your daughter send this “presentation” to her cousin (or shared it with anybody else) it isn’t bullying. What is she to be punished for? Doing what your wife asked and gave reason(s) for why she dislikes her cousin? Having no chemistry/a dislike for another person and not wanting to spend her time on that person?

For having an opinion that differs from her mothers? Talk to your daughter and make sure her “presentation” is deleted as it would be terrible should others get their hands on it. Your daughter is almost an adult and your wife is pushing her away with her demands. BTW, your daughter sounds wonderful, your wife not so much.

McSuzy −  ESH. Here is what you must do: Sit down with your daughter and explain that you and her mother have handled this situation poorly. Tell your daughter than you and your wife disagree and that rather than working it out between the two of you, you have put her in the middle of quite a lot of nonsense.

Apologize and refuse to have any conversation about the relative merits of your niece’s personality. Next sit down with you wife. Explain that you believe the two of you need to take a completely different approach to the issue and that you would like to remove your daughter from the equation.

Then explain that you believe your child should be required to be pleasant to all of her relatives during family occasions and that beyond that it is important to leave the children to navigate their own relationship. Apologize for engaging in a counterproductive conversation about whether or not they should be friends.

Then gently explain that forcing a friendship, including calls and socialization beyond family events, is not fair to either of the girls. Just as you would not want to be forced to socialize and fake a relationship with someone who does not appeal to you as a friend, you most certainly would not want to be the person foisted upon an unwilling friend.

Frankly, this initiative of your wife’s is quite unkind to her niece. Lastly, let your wife know that you think the three of you should sit down and make a new plan that respects everyone’s wishes. That conversation can certainly start with the importance of kindness.

You really don’t want to encourage your daughter to dissect and criticize other people’s personalities, but both you and your wife need to acknowledge that you backed your daughter into a corner and let her know that you don’t think she would have composed an unkind power point if she weren’t being pushed into an unwanted relationship.

Then go on to agree to friendly behavior during family events (yes, that will mean that she has to socialize with her cousin when you’ve all gathered for a holiday) and establish some boundaries in terms of trips. The cousin should not be included unless there is a particular reason for your niece to join you.

quarkfan4552 −  Hold on I have to stop laughing. You nor your daughter are the AH here, your wife is. However, you daughter must delete the ppt and never never never let anyone know she made it. If it comes to the cousin’s attention it would be beyond hurtful.

Your wife needs to give up this dream of the girls being besties, that aren’t an extension of the dolls she and her cousin used to play with. Your daughter should kindly ghost the other girl and be pleasant at gatherings. Should it come up your wife needs to be direct with the other mom and say, “the girls don’t have much in common and aren’t as close as we are.”

HistoricFanatic −  u/ThrowRA-neiceprobs has the other half of the story where the niece did find out and if you read the post it is very different from this perspective.

Diggydigdug −  YTA. You are teaching your daughter that she can say anything she want, even against family, as long as it gets a laugh. You participated in laughing at your niece behind her back. You, the favorite parent, are endorsing this behavior, painting your partner as the bad person here, and refusing to say your daughter shouldn’t say these things.

Ignoring your feelings that you were mean is the precedent you are potentially setting up for your daughter. You don’t have to punish her, especially because you egged her on, but I think you should level with her, saying “this is obviously a mean thing to do.” Even if not shown to the person, which would be unbelievably cruel,

it is still OBVIOUSLY mean to make a PowerPoint like this about family. Imagine if the niece has insecurities about the specific thing your daughter has mocked! Pretty hard to defend that I would say. You are sitting by, allowing your daughter to be mean – your laughter encouraged her whether or not you realize.. YTA

LokiiVegas −  Yes you’re the a**hole. Not for your indifference to the situation, but because you’re condoning s**tty behavior. You’re *literally* raising a sarcastic little s**t. And while it might be funny now, the fact that you’re okay with her just demeaning the s**t out of family is still fucked.

She doesn’t have to like her cousin, but to make a presentation about why another 16 year old girl sucks, and then just laugh and show it off is pretty fucked. Now this 16 year old thinks her cousin hates her and probably by extension that whole side of the family. If she’s unstable enough she could off herself.

And then what would be your defense? That it’s your SIL fail for trying to make them friends in the first place? Yeah you’re a little fuckwit. If she’s capable of doing this *to family*, imagine what she’s like to people she doesn’t care for at school. But hey, your 16 year old daughter thinks you’re cool so there’s that right ? 👍🏾👍🏾

monkey_mcdermott −  YTA, and frankly a bad father. No consequences for casual cruelty raises s**tty children that become s**tty adults. Your kids are going to grow up to be complete garbage people if you let them go on like this..

edit: yknow i wouldn’t be surprised if this event is the impetus that ends in your divorce. Y’all just cheered on the damage and probably destruction of your wife’s relationship with her sister.

Accurate-Ant-6764 −  YTA. A bully is a bully. Just because your daughter might be the “smart” one, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be nice. Why do they not like each other? That might be something to look into. Your wife should not push the relationship, but you and your daughter are being mean..

Was the daughter out of line for making a mockery of her cousin, or is she justified given the pressure she’s been under? Should the Redditor support punishment for her behavior, or is this more about overbearing parenting? What’s your take on the situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!