AITA for not paying for my daughter’s wedding because she invited my brother and his family

A Reddit user (46M) explains that he has been estranged from his brother (48M) for over 25 years after discovering that his brother had an affair with his then-girlfriend. He set a firm boundary: he would never attend any events where his brother was present.

Now, his daughter is getting married, and she recently revealed that she has been secretly maintaining a relationship with her uncle and his family — including inviting them to the wedding. When the user refused to pay for the wedding if his brother was invited, his daughter accused him of making the wedding about himself, leaving him to question if he’s in the wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not paying for my daughter’s wedding because she invited my brother and his family’

I’m 46M, my brother 48M. When I was 20, my then girlfriend cheated with my brother. I was heartbroken and pissed. I told him he is no longer my brother. Despite my request, my family didnt cut him off, so I told them that I will never again be in the same place as he is. If they wish to invite both, then they should just invite him as I am the one giving ultimate.

My daughter is getting married in spring next year. In our culture both parents are paying for the wedding, 50/50. Unexpectedly, my daughter sat me down and told me that she will be inviting my brother and his family(he married my cheating ex). Apparently, she was seeing them for the last 4 years and built a relationship behind my back. She even wants her cousin to be some kind of flower girl.

I was pissed. I told her what my boundaries are and if my brother is invited then I will not pay my part of the wedding. She became angry and told me its time to let go of the past. I told her its not her call to make. We argued some more and she told me I am making her wedding about myself. I told her I will probably not even attend so it will be all about her. She left crying.

My ex-wife called me screaming and told me I’m huge AH and our daughter is crushed. Then my parents called, same thing. I told them off and now I’m ignoring their calls. My GF told me to reconsider and appologize. That by not paying and attending I will break relationship with my daughter. I don’t know. I think my boundaries should be respected. Am I a**hole for that?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

AsuraRathalos −  Yo wtf is happening on Reddit today…. man, NTA all the way. This is one of those stories where your daughter has decided that she’s willing to alienate you for someone that betrayed your trust, it doesn’t matter if it was 20 years ago, it only matters that it happened, which thereby means, she betrayed your trust. If she want him there so bad he can pay the half.

Also It’s ok that she has a relationship, it’s ok that she wants her cousin in it, it’s not ok that she wants you to pay (half) for her wedding so a person that truly hurt you can participate in it as well.

While I am fully supporting you standing your ground, just remember, if you stand here, you will miss out on her potential kids, bday parties, and other family events because your fam will truly cut you off. If you’re ok with that do so.. Efc.

Eta Actually I still wouldn’t pay, since there’s so much secrecy I bet you’ll pay and your brother will still show up regardless.

Eta thanks for the award, and also for the comments, the early comments were n**ty, it’s insane, I swear based on the start I thought I would get drowned in down votes

EnvironmentalPhase21 −  Y’all are wild in these comments. If this is real I’d love to see some of you play happy family with your cheating brother and ex

themichaelkemp −  Here’s a very unpopular NTA. I don’t understand why your daughter decided to connect with somebody who betrayed their father. How much drama would’ve it been to let sleeping dogs lie? I know a lot of people would’ve gotten over this betrayal, but you’re entitled to your feelings. Still if this causes an irreparable rift between you and your daughter being right won’t give you much comfort

Caribe92 −  NTA NTA NTA NTA. The people around you need a reality check. Ask your daughter if her fiancé cheated on her tomorrow, moved on with the affair partner, and you decided to stay close with him, if she’d be okay with it.

It’s so easy for everyone to judge you when they’re not in your shoes. And in terms of the money, tradition or not, it’s yours and you can do with it as you please. In my tradition the parents pay for the wedding too, but there is no way I’m letting my parents spend their hard earned money on my wedding when they already worked hard to give me the life I have now. Not every tradition is meant to be followed.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. But be prepared to continually be bombarded with messages indicating otherwise. You set a boundary that you are simply maintaining. Nothing more. You even made people aware so none of this should be a shock to any of them. Now, out of respect for your daughter’s wedding, you’ve decided not to attend in order to avoid the issue with your brother and to avoid making the wedding about you and him. I applaud you, that’s a hard decision to make.

Schnucksworld −  NTA. Let her uncle pay for the wedding if she likes him so much. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Apprehensive_Secret2 −  NTA. If those are your hard boundaries, those are your hard boundaries.. HOWEVER Consider what you are doing. Your daughter should not get to dictate when or if you let go of the past, but she is well within her rights to invite whomever she wants to her wedding and build a relationship with her uncle if she chooses to.

And you are within your right to not pay and not attend. An invitation is not a summons, and a cultural expectation is not an invoice. However, she’s also within her right to cut you off forever after this. This may mean that you will not be invited to any more events related to your daughter. You may lose the privilege of seeing or holding your grandchildren until they are an adult.

The thing with boundaries is that it’s okay to expect other people to respect your boundaries. It’s not okay to expect other people to rearrange \*their\* lives according to \*your\* boundaries. So consider if you are okay with possibly being NC with your daughter. If you are, great. You do you.

If you aren’t, it’s time to reconsider whether or not being in the same room as your brother (you have no requirement to acknowledge their existence or do anything but be neutral to them) is worth sacrificing your relationship with your daughter.

edysal123 −  I’m assuming you’ve supported your daughter throughout her life and you have a good relationship with her prior to this? You made it clear to her and the rest of your family that the betrayel your brother committed against you hurt you enough to want to go no contact forever.

Your daughter knows this and yet she has built up a relationship with your brother and his family behind your back. Of course she is a grown woman and it’s her choice but the thing is that choice she made has consequences and that also tells you enough about the situation. That she is willing to betray your trust, and hurt you for that relationship. Your daughter should have your back but she betrayed you. NTA

roxythekapopcat −  Your brother betrayed you all those years ago and now your daughter betrayed you. Nobody can dictate you to forgive anybody, just because a number of years have passed. NTA. Your daughter only wanted your money, but didn’t care about your comfort and, ultimately, presence at the wedding you were supposed to pay for.

NHFNCFRE −  Really, is she crying because you might not go, or is she crying about the money?

Do you think the father is right to stand by his boundaries, or should he let go of the past for the sake of his daughter’s happiness? Should a parent’s history affect their willingness to fund their child’s wedding? Share your thoughts below!