AITA for not paying for my child’s mother to visit for Christmas?

A single father with sole custody of his 1-year-old daughter shared how his ex-girlfriend, the child’s mother, asked him to pay for her to visit for Christmas. While she initially didn’t want involvement in their daughter’s life, she later expressed interest in reconnecting but couldn’t afford to visit.

The father refused, citing that she doesn’t pay child support and he believes she should take financial responsibility for her visit. She accused him of keeping their daughter from having both parents for Christmas. Was he wrong for not covering the travel costs? Read the original story below.

‘ AITA for not paying for my child’s mother to visit for Christmas? ?’

I have sole legal and physical custody of my daughter who turns 1 in New Year’s Day. I’ve been her primary caretaker since she was a newborn. Things turned out this way because her mom had planned to give her up for adoption. I tried to go along with that plan, but ultimately couldn’t. Her mom (my ex-gf) and I are not together. We broke up before she even told me she was pregnant.

We met in college, which is several states away from where I’m from. I had already relocated back to an area closer to where I’m from before she told me she was pregnant. She still lives in the area the college is in. She is still working on graduating, but has been struggling this year. So, originally she didn’t really want any updates, photos, etc. of our daughter.

She agreed to give me some custody, but she is still legally my daughter’s mother. I’ve respected her wishes and updates and what not, but also let her know I’d be open to sharing if she changed her mind. A few months after our daughter was born she reached out and asked for an update and to see pics. We didn’t talk every day, but she started regularly checking in.

The a few months later she asked if she could find visit. I didn’t know how I felt about that, but I understand I have to separate my own feelings from what’s best for my daughter. Ultimately, I think it’d be get for her to have her mom involved in her life. Anyway, she wanted me to pay for her to come visit. I told her no, I couldn’t afford it.

I was 24 years and raising our baby in my own, sorry. She seemed disappointed, but didn’t really mention it again. Then a few weeks before Christmas she mentioned wanting to see our daughter for Christmas and her birthday. I was annoyed that she’d bring it up like 2 weeks before Christmas, but I tried to be nice about it. Then she asked me to pay for it again. I told her no.

The truth is that I had the money this time. I could have afforded a plane ticket. I could have let her stay at my place if need be (although I really hated the idea of that). I told her I couldn’t afford it. I just don’t want to pay for her to find out here. She pays nothing in child support, and honestly that doesn’t bother me, but if she wants to come here and visit I think she needs to pay for it.

Of course, she tried to guilt trip me and accused me of keeping her from her daughter over Christmas and that I should be lucky she’s made this so easy for me. She sent me several messages on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day about how I kept my daughter from having both her parents with her for her first Christmas, that I’m evil? I’m Scrooge, etc. Was I the a**hole for not paying for her to come see our daughter at Christmas?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Turbulent_Ebb5669 −  Nope. The bigger question is why now? I don’t believe the Christmas miracle s**t. And you’re not keeping her from her daughter. You’re just not paying for her to disrupt/visit.

Impressive-Arm2563 −  Nta, ignore the manipulation. She’s up to no good. She want you to pay for a lawyer so she can take you to court for custody too?

United-Manner20 −  Nta- but why is she not paying child support? In the beginning I understand she wanted nothing to do with a child now however you’re speaking regularly, sharing pictures, updates. She’s been very m**ipulative, and I hope that you have an active court order that states that you have sole and legal custody.

optix_clear −  If she really cared she would pay her own way and give you child support.

Erotic_Shane −  NTA. You’re not obligated to fund her travel, especially given the short notice, lack of financial contribution from her, and m**ipulative guilt-tripping. It’s reasonable to expect her to share the costs if she wants to visit.

pmn10tl −  NTA. You owe your ex nothing at all. This is a classic manipulation tactic

cgrobin1 −  If she really wanted to see her daughter, she could have saved up for the trip and not waited for the last minute when the rates,are highest. She has no idea if you have a new GF or roommate, because that would be none of her business. Does her family live near you, or is it a good vacation area?

My gut, tells me their might be an ulterior motive than just wanting to see your daughter. Maybe she has gotten grief from her family for being an absentee mother. Could she want to get back in your life? NTA. How much does she really want to see the baby, if she will only come if you pay? There is something wrong with that.

Equivalent_Juice2395 −  NTA. Do not pay for her flights and don’t let her stay with you. If she’s not paying child support then the least she can do is buy her own plane ticket and get a hotel. If she wanted to, she would. It is not your job to help her be a good mother. It is not your job to fund her life as she is not your partner. Your job is to be a good dad.

Your money is to go towards your child and yourself to improve your shared quality of life together. I’d worry as your daughter gets older (depending on the contact that is allowed between her and her mom and if it is or isn’t monitored)

that mom would try to spin the narrative that you are keeping her from your daughter to try to stir up problems. “If only your father would buy me a ticket to come see you but he says no so it’s his fault we can’t be together.” Be careful moving forward as it seems like she’s already trying to spin a certain narrative and manipulate you.

ArugulaMental282 −  Document every conversation and please talk to a lawyer to make sure you are wwell covered of she ever tries to pull everything. Also if she visits make sure she does not stay a night at your place and make sure she knows beforehand that she needs a hotel.

If she wants to be a part of the childs life then shouldn’t she pay child support? Is there a possibility that in the future she wants a sole custody and wants child support from you?

babybloom28 −  she’s trying to pull a ‘Christmas miracle’ on your wallet! If she wants to play Santa, she should at least bring her own sleigh

This situation highlights the complexity of co-parenting when one parent takes on the full responsibility of raising a child. Was the father right to set boundaries and expect financial responsibility from the mother, or should he have compromised for the sake of their daughter’s holiday experience? Share your thoughts below!