AITA for not moving home to help my parents pay their mortgage ?

A college senior explains her family dilemma: her dad, the main financial provider, was detained by ICE, and now her mom and sister are struggling to afford their large, expensive home. Though her family pressures her to move home after graduation to help with the mortgage,

she has a job lined up and feels financially and emotionally safer living with her boyfriend’s family. Her parents disapprove of the arrangement and have a history of being controlling and verbally abusive, which she fears would affect her mental health. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not moving home to help my parents pay their mortgage ?’

I (21f) am a senior in college. Recently, my dad got put in ICE. He financially supported my family. He and my mom recently bought a new (very expensive) house. After being detained, my older sister who lives with them took on two more jobs and now works 7 days a week to help pay for the house.

My sister and I have spoken many times about selling the house as only her and my mom live there and they don’t use half the house. However, my parents are very against it. Recently, I spoke with my mom about my plans after college. I had a job lined up from my internship and my boyfriend’s (of 3 years) parents agreed to let me stay with them rent free.

Of course, I would be sending money back to help ease the burden. My mom was very angry when I had told her my plans. My parents are very traditional immigrants and were against me living with them since we weren’t married and my dad had yet to meet my boyfriend.

I am very close with my sister and she has told me my parents had tried convincing her to get me to break up with my boyfriend since he is of a different race. I knew they were r**ist and was hesitant to have him meet them.

My parents had wanted me to move back home and work there to pay off their mortgage so my sister could go to grad school. I love my sister and want her to be able to achieve her dreams. However, my parents can be very verbally a**sive and I was in a very dark place living with them before college.

I’m scared that once I move back with them they won’t let me go and it would be the same thing all over again and this time I would not make it out alive. AITA for not moving home to help pay my parents mortgage?

Check out how the community responded:

khampang −  I have worked for almost 25 years w the migrant community and it’s very interesting the cultural differences, and even the differences within certain cultures. Some come here and sacrifice everything to help the next generation succeed, and when they, the kids, are educated, successful etc.,

they help them for life. Some only care about themselves and the kids are expected to sacrifice their future for the parents. Which perpetuates their cycle. And many cultures expect either the oldest or youngest to just sacrifice themselves totally for their siblings.

It’s not always about favoritism, it’s just “the way it is”. The number of times young adults have said that to me is sad. Make decisions for yourself!! Do not let cultural or family pressures and expectations damage your future in any way! You are out! The biggest tool they have now is guilt.

Harden yourself against it and if you have to stop communication! Racial bias hits so many groups that aren’t Americans of African descent. Italian, Hmong, Korean. Only it’s mostly hidden.

My grandfather married outside the same race, when he died my great grandparent completely ostracized my grandma and my dad and uncles never forgot how she was treated. It’s u**y. Don’t tolerate it and if you love this man and they mistreat him break communication. It’s poison.

ThatGuyFromThisPlace −  NTA. I realize I look at this from a very different cultural perspective. But in my opinion you are not responsible for a mortgage for a house that your parents bought. The situation changed, they can sell the house and get a smaller more affordable one.

Ok_Conversation9750 −  NTA and do NOT move back!!! You are not your parents retirement plan! If they cannot afford the house, then sell it.

nulldogemoney −  NTA. You didn’t buy the house. You shouldn’t have to pay for it just because they don’t want to sell

saintandvillian −  NTA. They’d rather your sister work like a slave than sell a house they can’t afford. Don’t let yourself be sucked into their issues. Stay away as long as you can.

AngelicAura6 −  Definitely NTA. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to establish independence and prioritize your future, which is totally valid. Helping family is one thing, but sacrificing your life goals to pay their debts isn’t a fair expectation. They made those financial choices; you shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility.

Confident_Fox4001 −  I understand that the very obvious choice would be not to move back home but I am worried about my sister. If I do decide to stay, it would mean cutting off all contact with my parents and them essentially disowning me. Even then, though, I think I would send money back. Not for them but for my sister.

StAlvis −  NTA My parents are very traditional immigrants and were against me living with them since we weren’t married and my dad had yet to meet my boyfriend.. So what?. *They* are not *you*.

Then_Contribution188 −  NTA!!!!! Live your own life on your own terms!! It is not your fault that you father is illegal (I’m assuming) and that they bought a house they can’t afford. Cut contact if need be.

Should she be expected to sacrifice her independence for her family’s mortgage? What’s your take? Share below!