AITA for not letting my sister see her kids?

A Redditor explained that she obtained custody of her sister’s children in 2018 after her sister abandoned them for two weeks on a drug bender. While the children are now thriving, the mother, who was recently released from prison, wants to reconnect with them.

The Redditor’s oldest nephew refuses to see her, and the younger two have no memories of their mother. Despite family pressure to reunite them, the Redditor is torn about whether she should force the kids to see their mother or respect the oldest’s wishes. Read the full story below to find out if the Redditor is in the wrong.

‘ AITA for not letting my sister see her kids?’

I (28f) obtained custody of my sister’s (35f) kids (9m,4f,2f), back in 2018, after she left them alone for two weeks to go on a “trip” (read. d**g bender). Of course this was a huge transition for the kiddos, they had to be moved schools and daycares, and of course couldn’t see their mom anymore. Now, the kids are doing better and definitely lead happier lives.

Recently, though, my sister was released from prison, and wants to see the kids again. She called me, begging to have a visit with them, and telling me that I could give them back because she was out of prison now.

I’ve had a talk with the 9 year old, and he says that he doesn’t want to see his mom yet, and that he still hates her for leaving him alone. The girls have no memories of her, and the smallest one was only three months old the last time she saw her.

I do feel like I could have helped them foster a better relationship with her, but I don’t want to force the oldest into meeting her when he absolutely doesn’t want to. Still, my close family has told me that the oldest doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and it’s my fault the little ones don’t remember their mother because I didn’t take them to see her when she was in prison.

They also told me that it’s my responsibility to force them to meet her, even when they don’t want to, because that’s what’s best for them and they shouldn’t grow up without their mother.. So, AITA?

Edit- I have spoken to a professional about this, specifically the oldest’s therapist. They have advised that it should be up to him. I just want to know if I’m being a j**k to my sister. Also, I have adopted the kids, and have full custody of them.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

omartoor −  NTA. Protect. Them. If your sister is out … tell her to get her life together. After a period of stability … maybe, just maybe she can see them. But not unless she’s established and settled herself over a long period of time. Otherwise, the kids would be setup for another disappointment if not total setback to their mental health.

terminally-happy −  NTA- My mom didn’t take me to see my father when he was in prison, and I’m thankful for that everyday. That is not a memory that I want to have of him. Luckily I reached out to him when I was 18 and he is now a rehab counselor, so I feel like it was a great time to reconnect! I’m 22 now and we are super close, I call him almost every day!

My main point here is- j in didn’t want to see him until I was 18. And I think that obviously was for the better because he had also turned his life around and made very good decisions. I would leave the decision up to the children, and also take into consideration the steps the biological parent is taking to better their own lives.. Edited for grammar and spelling!

Sherry_A_H −  When it comes to family, love is thicker than blood. Even if you weren’t their aunt, the fact that they are happy where they are now and don’t want the contact, I’d say you’re definetely NTA.

sadbutternut −  NTA. Op, you’re an amazing guardian. It must have been difficult, having to suddenly become essentially a parent to your sister’s children, but I think it’s important that they decide how to approach their mother. Just think of it this way – a part of cultivating a healthy relationship is respecting the boundaries and limits of other person. If your sister forces herself unto her son when he doesn’t want her to be there, she might just end up driving him even further away.

jmc259 −  NTA

AndyF1069 −  NTA. First I want to say that taking them on was an incredibly good thing of you to do. There is a similar situation within my family, I won’t go into detail but the short version is there are children who are no longer with a parent, but living with family or people close to the family.

I’m extremely close with all these children and I feel that I have been a father figure to almost all of them, which may bias my opinion of your situation and my own. For my own situation, given the circumstances and experiences that the kids have gone through, as well as constantly being let down by their mother, I feel it is for the best and social workers feel similarly that contact with the mother should be cut to an absolute bare minimum.

It used to be once a month, but she failed to turn up to these sessions. Then it was changed to once every six months, and she still managed to not attend. My mindset at this point in time is that I believe it’s doing more harm than good to the children to see their mother.

If they wish to talk about her, I’ll engage with them. There’s no point pretending she doesn’t exist. But other than that, she isn’t talked about unless necessary (across the board, not just with me) I understand your decision not to mention her to the younger children. I also think you did the right thing in asking the eldest what he wants.

He made his own decision. I think though that she should be given a chance to prove herself at some point, but under no uncertain terms that if she messes up then she loses contact **and only if the children themselves wish to see her**.

If she manages to stay clean, then perhaps a second chance to be in their lives is warranted (but I don’t think she should ever get custody again). If she screws up, then you are justified in cutting her out, but can at least say you gave her the chance.

The mental health of these children comes first and foremost. Her actions endangered those children and the resentment the eldest feels is justified. It’s possible he may never forgive her, and if that’s the case then it’s entirely her fault. Don’t give in to pressure though. Trust your instincts and do what you think is best for the kids, nobody else. Not you, not your sister and not the family.

sudomii −  Just because he’s young doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be allowed to not want to do something, NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA Listen to your gut, your nephew, and the therapist. It was a huge upheaval to go through this once. I’m so happy your niblings have you to rely on.

GamerRade −  NTA – You’re doing the best for your kids, and the eldest is clearly stating his feelings. Info, because I’m curious: has your sister tried to set herself up as a responsible parent? Home, d**g program, etc? Or is she just trying to get her kids back without doing anything?

Stinkeye63 −  NTA, but your relatives sure are. I wouldn’t let your parents or other family have access to the kids because they will let your sister see them. It boggles my mind that they can’t see the damage she did to those kids.

Do you think the Redditor is being unreasonable by not forcing her nephew and nieces to see their mother, or is it her responsibility to encourage that reunion? How would you approach a situation where family expectations conflict with a child’s emotional needs? Share your thoughts below!