AITA for not letting my parents come to my graduation?

A Redditor is grappling with the fallout of her decision not to invite her parents to her graduation ceremony. After a tumultuous divorce and years of limited contact, she expressed her desire for a low-key graduation, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of celebrating with her parents and their new partners.

Her parents, hurt by her decision, are struggling to understand her perspective, leading to tension with extended family members who believe she should have included them in the celebration. Read the original story below.

‘ AITA for not letting my parents come to my graduation?’

This is an ongoing issue and I’m getting a lot of flak from extended family members. I don’t really regret my decision, but I don’t know if I was an AH.
My (16F) parents divorced when I was 12. It seemed like one day everything was great, I go sleepover for a weekend with my cousin/best friend, and suddenly I’m coming back to a sit down discussion about the divorce.

No warning, no indication anything was going wrong before that, nothing. I don’t know what happened and I guess I don’t really need to, but it might have made it easier at the time if there had been a reason. It messed me up, ngl. I stopped talking for awhile and just tried to stay away from them.

I was starting high school because I had skipped grades and asked to go to a boarding prep school because having to move between houses so much was miserable. I got a scholarship so they didn’t have to pay for anything.

They didn’t want me to be so far away but my guidance counselor at school convinced them it would be a good move for college and the routine and stability would help me focus. I loved the school and boarding, it was the best. I wish I could have stayed there year round.

So, I’ve barely been around my parents for the last four years. Usually just Christmas break and a couple weeks in the summer since I always managed to find summer programs to go to so I wouldn’t have to be there long. They tried to get me to want to stay longer and spend more time with them but I don’t want to.

I didn’t fight about it but I didn’t really participate either so I guess they gave up, plus I was working on getting early college credits during the summers so it wasn’t like I was just ducking around. I graduated as valedictorian of my class three weeks ago, but I asked my parents not to come.

I would have rather just picked up my diploma from the office without the fanfare and avoided it, but the valedictorian thing ruled that out. My parents were both really hurt as they had been looking forward to it and wanted to make a big deal out of it and celebrate. I didn’t want that and I didn’t want to see them there with their new partners pretending everything is ok.

I haven’t stopped hearing about it since and my mom’s husband told me she was heartbroken and I should be ashamed. My grandparents think I should have let them come and celebrate me because they’re proud of me. Nobody understands my side. I’m supposed to be going to a summer internship next week but they may not let me go because “we all need to talk about this”.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

CheshireCatsGrin87 −  NAH. You are a badly hurt kid with an unprocessed trauma. You would greatly benefit from therapy, because mind you – you are not an a**hole, but this extreme reaction still isn’t healthy.

I understand your world has been shaken by your parents’ divorce, especially when you didn’t see it coming, but ultimately, you need to accept that relationships may fail, and if they do, divorce is the best solution.

Your parents did nothing wrong when they ended their failed marriage and they are understandably heartbroken that you are shutting them out of your life. Please seek help. The wound is obviously festering, rather then healing. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Fluffy_Sheepy −  Have they done anything to earn your h**red other than just not being together any more? Because the way you talk, it sounds like you flat-out hate them and don’t want them in your life at all. I know divorce is tough, but that is a pretty extreme reaction. Like, “if I can’t have both of you at the same time, then I don’t want either of you at all”. So like, is there more to this that I’m just not seeing? 

RoughCow854 −  I’ll be blunt. YTA – you’re old enough now to understand (or at least I hope), that you shouldn’t be involved in your parent’s divorce. Maybe I’m wrong, but it comes across as though you’re bitter because they didn’t give you the reason for the divorce.

They don’t need to (and shouldn’t quite honestly) tell you why they did, rather than you needed to trust it was best for everyone involved. Like how you wanted them to trust you, that going to boarding school was the best option for you.

Unless there is some info you’re not providing (such as the parents bashing each other when you’re around), it comes across as you cutting them out for wanting to end something that could potentially have been a toxic relationship.

You really need to seek some help/therapy if you aren’t already. It sounds like (from your description) both parents love you and want to spend time with you, and you’re just setting yourself up for a lonely life.

eneri008 −  Soooo… what have they done to you ? Divorce . That’s it . They divorced and you disagree so now you want them to pay for wanting to be happy instead of miserable with each other ?? YTA

Alternative-Job-288 −  Info: I don’t fully understand. What does the divorce have to do with the graduation? If you don’t like the fanfare and attention, and that’s why you didn’t invite them, I suppose that’s kinda fine but kind of s**fish really too.

I mean, they supported this huge opportunity for you by allowing you to go to this school and I totally understand them wanting to celebrate. Would it have been so awful to have them there? Is this a general thing or a them thing?

Look, they respected your wishes to attend this school and respected your wishes to not attend graduation. Hell, they even respected you enough to keep you out of their divorce drama. I guess I just don’t understand what’s going on here.

Unique_Ad_5187 −  It sounds as if you are punishing your parents for their divorce. Were they horrible parents to you? Their marriage is not yours to judge. Why ban your parents from graduation? What exactly did they do to you to deserve this ? My asmwer is yes, you are the A

growsonwalls −  YTA. I get that you’re hurting, but parents get divorced. You probably have no idea the misery behind the scenes. You have essentially cut them out of your life because they did the mature thing and divorced rather than make each other miserable with affairs and affair babies and the like.

Strange-Avenues −  YTA. This is clearly a f**e post of childish revenge fantasy for parents divorcing. “Look at me mom and dad I am successful without you and don’t need or want you in my life because you left each other.

I’m 16 and a genious and managed to get amazing full ride scholarship to boarding school and now because I was so cold and calculating I have enough money to live on my own and I have grants/scholarships for college.” Indulge your fantasy and feel free to make any claim tou want.

421Gardenwitch −  I’m also wondering if it is accurate that because of your scholarship your parents paid nothing. My kids went to private school, on scholarship and while the scholarship was very generous, we still took out a home equity loan and paid thousands every year and this was for day school not boarding and over 20 years ago.

Hotchkiss for example is almost $67,000 a year, and I bet you $ that it is not all inclusive. I also agree that you have not given a reason for the estrangement besides that they were able to hide how unhappy they were in the marriage from you, and it was a shock.

Left_Mushroom3606 −  Coming from a child of divorced parents, sometimes parents decide to separate so their child(ren) will not have to hear any arguing. They think it is better for the kids in the long run. They had a reason to separate, and it might be best for you to talk to your parents alone, without their new partners and listen to them. Don’t be afraid to ask questions so you can get closure.

Do you think the Redditor made the right choice by excluding her parents from her graduation, given their complex relationship, or should she have allowed them to celebrate her achievement? How would you handle a similar situation with family dynamics? Share your thoughts below!