AITA For not letting my mom go to my daughters baby shower?

A woman hasn’t spoken to her mother in five years due to past toxic behavior, including a particularly traumatic incident where her mother’s husband kicked her and her children out of a home they paid to stay in. Now, her pregnant daughter wants to invite the grandmother to a baby shower organized and funded by the woman, despite the no-contact rule.

The woman offered to split baby-related events with her mother to avoid conflict, but her mother refused. Now the daughter insists her grandmother should attend, equating the baby shower to a wedding in importance. The woman struggles with whether maintaining her boundaries makes her the bad guy. read the original story below…

‘ AITA For not letting my mom go to my daughters baby shower ?’

Okay so a little back story first. I have not spoken to my mother in 5 years. I will just give you the last interaction I had with her it should set the stage for the type of person she is and why I walked away. My husband and I decided to separate for a while.

My daughter 19 who was living in my parents extra house was currently looking for a room mate to help her pay the bills. I called her it was about 7:30 pm and I asked her if I paid half the bills for the month could I stay with her so I could save some money to get my own place.

Now again this was just for one month until I could save some money. That night gave my parents 600$. I went to work the next day came back and was putting the bunk beds together for the kids. My 15 year old daughter balling her eyes out terrified runs in the back door and into the bathroom.

Not too far behind my stepfather completely drunk kicks in the back door screaming and yelling kicked me and my children out to live on the streets without returning my money. So now im forced to call my husband who I just split up with to say hey can you just take the kids so they have some where to sleep.

Between the two of us coparenting we figured things out. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me to say I can no longer be around my toxic mother and her toxic husband. Flash forward to a few months ago. my oldest daughter who is now 24 is pregnant.

I tried to be the bigger person and say I know you want your grandmother to be a part of this. So why don’t we split the events. I’ll do the gender reveal and she can do the baby shower, or vise versa this way we are both apart of it for you, and you don’t have to choose.

(I will add a side note I did tell my daughter for her wedding day I would be the bigger person.) My mother being the petty person she is said no she ( talking about me) isn’t going to make all the decisions I just won’t do anything than.. So now I am doing both the baby shower and the gender reveal.

The week before the gender reveal that I have already paid for the food, the decorations, the place we rented, the big reveal. I have paid for all of it while letting her pick all the decorations all the food of her choosing. I find out she has told my mother about the events.

luckily the gender reveal my daughter told her too late and she was unable to go due to work. But my daughter told my other children she is going to invite my mother anyways to the shower because I am being unreasonable that I won’t have contact with my mother until she can atleast own the things she has said and done to me and my other children.

This isn’t just a baby shower in your back yard that I am organizing this is at a hall for 75 people. She said a baby shower holds the same weight as a wedding and I should just be the bigger person and let her come. So am I the ass hole for not letting my mother come?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

FlyGuy1922 −  INFO Why doesn’t your daughter recognise your mother’s a**sive behaviour?

Ipso-Pacto-Facto −  What the hell is the matter with your daughter?

PinkKatiex −  NTA. Your mom kicked you out, kept your money, and now expects to play Grandma of the Year? Nah, there’s no “bigger person” award for letting someone trample your boundaries. You’re protecting your peace and your event budget.

saintandvillian −  NTA. Tell your daughter that you understand that she’d like to have her grandmother attend the baby shower. Tell her that you’ll take a step back from helping plan it and from attending and that you will mail the gift.

But tell her now because it sounds like your daughter is trying to get you to pay for and organize these events while not honoring your NC with your mom. If I’m being honest, it sounds like your daughter is not much better than your mom.

She’s fine with forcing you to be in contact with someone who has repeatedly treated you poorly and she doesn’t even believe you’re owed an apology. She sounds horrible too. You should keep this in mind going forward.

Some people can be unhealthy for your life…and you need to love them from afar. Your mother is one of those people. Don’t put yourself in a bad situation where you’re being used and then find out the same thing about your daughter.

Titan-lover −  NTA Cancel the shower. If your daughter insists that this toxic woman attends everything then let Miss Toxic attend and pay for it all.

EmpressJainaSolo −  NTA but this isn’t really about being right. You can be right and still be framed as the bad guy by your daughter. Your daughter, for whatever reason, has decided to have her grandmother be an active part of her life.

Your daughter has also decided to deceived you and force your hand when it comes to your mother attending events that you organized and paid for. These are your daughter’s choices. You need to decide if/what the consequences are for her decisions when it comes to your relationship with her and her future child.

She’s banking on you not risking your relationship with her or her child. There’s no right answer here because there’s no clear way to convince your daughter that this was wrong.

There’s only answers you can live with. Only you can decide what they are. Has your daughter and your mother been close this whole time? Or is this a newer thing with her pregnancy?

TheFishermansWife22 −  So she waited til you paid for everything to agree with your original plan?? Sounds like a serious j**k. She was always gonna do this just wanted to s**ew you financially first. I hate her too!!!

sweetsophie06 −  for protecting yourself and your kids from toxic behavior, especially after everything you’ve been through? Hell naw NTA

PM_ME_LANCECATAMARAN −  Nta. Daughter needs to remember a little of what she felt back then and have a little empathy for your position. No reason a “grandma” like that should have her talons in your daughter or granddaughter, and if she wanted to she could have put in some effort *before* it was time to ruin something.

Dam2Keur −  NTA but… If you don’t go you’ll regret it I think. You are paying so you could cancel it but your daughter will be mad 😅 Can you just not interact with her at all?

Balancing boundaries with family dynamics can be difficult. Do you think the woman is justified in standing her ground, or should she make an exception for the sake of her daughter? What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts below!