AITA For not letting my kids visit their grandparents?
A mother (F) with full custody of her children, ages 18 (Amy), 16 (Tom), and 15 (Ben), decided not to let them visit their paternal grandparents for Christmas break. This decision follows a past incident where her ex’s wife staged a religious intervention when their son wanted to embrace Judaism.
Although she has allowed her ex to see the kids during his visitation weekends, she does not want his wife around the kids due to the negative impact on Ben, who has anxiety around her.
When the grandparents refused to keep the stepmother away during their visits, the mother decided to withhold the kids’ visit to the grandparents. The ex and his parents are upset, but the mother feels justified in protecting her children’s well-being. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA For not letting my kids visit their grandparents?’
AITA for not allowing my kids to see their grandparents for Christmas break? Hello, everyone. I posted on here a couple of months ago after my ex’s wife staged a religious intervention when my son decided he wanted to to embrace Judaism and be Bar Mitvahed.
Post is still under my profile if anyone wants specifics. My ex and I share three children, “Amy” 18, “Tom” 16 and “Ben” 15. The people responding to that first post helped me to see that I was underreacting and I met with a lawyer for a custody order as we had just done our own thing.
I now have full decision-making for our children’s religious upbringing and full custody. Ex has visitation every other weekend- I have been incredibly flexible and let him take them pretty much whenever he or the kids want. On his weekend I stay with my parents and he stays in the house.
ONLY rule I made was the stepmother is not around them at all. Ever. My kids are very close with their paternal grandparents GPs know that stepmother is not to be around them but twice when I picked them up she was there. Excuse was that she had just popped in quickly to drop off the baby.
I asked them to let me know when they were sitting and we would plan a different day, but they said that it was a last-minute thing. OK, fine. They want them to come for a five day visit over Christmas break (not 24/25) and I cannot trust that this woman will not come over.
Ben still gets incredibly anxious with her (yes he is in therapy). My in-laws refuse to tell her that she cannot come over because they say they do not want to “be put in the middle” and that its “making them choose between their grands.”
I reached out to my ex who said that since she isn’t coming over for long he’s not stopping it. He also said that there is nothing in the order that she cant be around and as his wife and mom of their sibling theres no reason that she should have to “tiptoe around.”
He was incredibly dismissive, and I went nuclear on him. I told him that I have been letting him see them whenever despite only having two weekends a month that he was married to a sociopathic zealot and that if she continued to come around I would go back to court and ask for supervised visits and a restraining order against her.
He hung up . Then I asked the kids what they wanted. Come to find out the woman has been coming around a lot. Amy said their grandparents asked them not to say anything to “not upset me.” I told my daughter that as an adult she can go but that her brothers would not be. Ben’s look of relief broke my heart.
Amy said and she felt weird when step showed up. Tom said hes w/ Ben. Called xMIL- told her that the children not be coming back until they chose to. I said they were welcome to come over to see them.
I said they were SO wrong to ask the kids to keep secrets. They called my ex who berated me for “punishing his parents.” Stepmom sent me a text saying I was unfair. I think I’m right, but everyone else thinks I’m TA. Am I?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Pink-Light- − NTA. You’re protecting your kids, especially Ben, who has clearly been deeply affected by the stepmother’s actions. If the grandparents and your ex can’t respect the boundaries that are in place to support your children’s emotional well-being, then you’re well within your rights to limit contact.
It’s not about punishing anyone—it’s about ensuring a safe, stable environment for your kids, particularly since they’ve been asked to keep secrets, which is completely inappropriate.
hannahkelli − NTA. They have proven that they can’t be trusted to protect your minor children and as their custodial parent, you’re doing what you have to do to keep them safe. Period. This isn’t a punishment, it’s consequences – and people who are asking to spend time with children should absolutely know the difference.
Quite frankly, anyone who asks a child to keep a secret from their parents – especially a secret that involves explicitly going against the boundaries set forth by the parent – is someone who shouldn’t be spending time alone with that child.
snarkness_monster − NTA. Your children are old enough to set their own boundaries. If they don’t want to go to GPs and/or interact with stepmom, they shouldn’t be forced to. This is a critical teaching moment about boundaries and respect.
Protect your children as best as you can, including legally, if ex and stepmom insist on stomping all over the boundaries set. GPs are also boundary stompers and can’t be trusted.
bamf1701 − NTA. Not only are you following your children’s’ wishes, but they lied to you and asked your children to lie to you. If they want to call it punishing them, fine – they were the one who let stepmother over against your wishes. Their choice, they get to live with the consequences.
freerange_chicken − NTA. Oh my gosh, no. I read your other post and it is utterly bonkers to me that your ex would put up with his wife treating your children that way. Your children are visibly impacted (re Ben’s look), and I’m so glad he’s in therapy.
“She’s not there for long” is just garbage from him. She traumatized his child! He should be trying to protect *his* child from being retraumatized! It is a big deal and it is awful that he’s refusing to understand that. It’s reprehensible that their grandparents asked them to lie to you.
Your children should not have to put up with this nonsense and neither should you. I’m glad you got the protections for your children on the first go-round with the order. Time for ex to move to stage two of Finding Out if he’s going to act like this. Nothing specific in the order? Okay, well time to add some *very specific* terms to the order.
pixie-ann − NTA and those stupid grandparents just shot themselves in the foot didn’t they. What else have they been lying to you about and asking the kids not to tell you? Good people do not ask children to lie to their parents.
BrilliantPiccolo5220 − NTA. Anyone who asks to minors to keep secrets from a custodial parent, aside from the obvious, Christmas and the like, is not to be trusted.
Fickle_Toe1724 − NTA. Is it in the court order that stepmom can not be around the kids? If it is, go back to court. They violated the court order. Ask for supervised visitation only. If it is not in the court order, go back to court and get it ordered.
The grands are not safe for your kids to be around. Any one telling kids to not tell mom should not have access to the kids unsupervised. They can come visit the kids at your house. You should be there when the do.
Protect your kids. Go to court. Get stepmom banned altogether. Get dad supervised visitation only. Half a day, twice a month, somewhere safe with supervision by a social worker, or a police officer. . Good luck.
Miserable_Dentist_70 − If they can’t tell her that she can’t come over then they can’t have their grandkids over. Simple as that. It’s a decision they are making.. NTA
giantbrownguy − NTA. But stop relying on your ex’s opinion to question your judgement. The courts supported you and gave you the authority to stop your ex’s wife b**lshit.
Your ex-in laws encouraged your kids to lie to you and refused to respect their boundaries. Your only obligation is to protect your kids. Everyone else is too busy protecting your ex’s wife.
The mother is standing firm on her decision to protect her children from unnecessary stress and anxiety, but others think she’s being too harsh. What do you think? Share your thoughts below!