AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?

A Redditor shares a story about a dilemma involving his roommate, Alex, and his girlfriend, Sarah. When Sarah noticed scars on Alex’s chest and assumed he might be transgender, she demanded that the Redditor either find out for sure or kick Alex out. The Redditor valued his roommate’s respectful behavior and stability compared to previous roommates, leading to a confrontation that ultimately resulted in his breakup with Sarah. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not kicking out my roommate just because my girlfriend thinks he might be trans?’

I (22M) have a roommate (let’s call him Alex M23) who moved in about six months ago. I honestly never considered Alex may be trans, not that I would care if he was, but that’s not the issue. He is a short guy and probably under 165cm/5’5, has a lot facial hair, muscles, and looks a lot like a short Henry Cavill imo.

No one I know has ever brought up this idea before, I’ve had my friends and family at our apartment before. This is really the part that gets to me because my mom is extremely against any gay people and if she sensed anything was up she would’ve caused problems right away.

Alex and I get along, we’re polite but not really friends, he’s quiet but super polite, always pays rent on time, helps with chores, and even shares his cooking with me. I appreciate having him around, especially because my last three roommates were each their own horror story.

The issue came up when my girlfriend (let’s call her Sarah F28) came over one day. Alex was shirtless, to clarify I forgot to tell Alex that she was coming over, and she noticed the scars on his chest.

After that she was quiet and short with me her entire stay there. When she got home, she blew up my phone, asking why I had a “female” living with me. I was confused and asked what she was on about. She says that she knows that his scars are from “top surgery” and that he is short, so he has to be trans, and a “born female”.

I tried to explain that even if Alex is trans or a “born female” that there is no way I’d be attracted to him because to any person who looked at him, you would see a freaking guy. Plus he’s respectful and doesn’t cause drama like my last roommates, which she knows about. Just to be clear.

I honestly still have no idea if Alex is even trans, I googled it, and those scars could be from some other surgery. Like heart surgery or gynecomastia. And I really don’t have an argument for him being short, but there is a lot of short men.

At first Sarah wanted me to just ask Alex if he was trans, which why the f**k would I do that, or give her his last name so she can run a background check?! I said no to both. Then she said this was a violation of trust and that if I didn’t either find out it Alex is trans (and kick him out) or just kick him out that she would have to “reevaluate things”.

Basically threatening to break up. I said I don’t do ultimatums and that we’re done. Since then, she’s been messaging me every single day for over two weeks, even after I blocked her on everything because she wouldn’t leave me alone, pissed that I wouldn’t do this small thing for her.

She ranges from, “are you f**king him?”, “let’s just talk”, “why cant you at least give me closure and ask him?” to the most recent her telling our mutual friend about the situation. Our friend wants nothing apart of this s**t show.

I didn’t feel bad at first but after talking about it online, I’ve had some people say I should’ve just asked my roommate if he was indeed trans just to keep the peace, or that I shouldn’t have essentially picked my roommate who’ve I’ve only had for about six months over my girlfriend of five years.

I wonder if I am being unreasonable. I legitimately do not see how any straight dude could find Alex attractive, personally, but maybe I should’ve done something just to keep the peace.

Tldr: My now ex girlfriend thinks that my roommate is trans, told me to find out for sure or kick him out. I refused and broke up with her. AITA?. 

Check out how the community responded:

WinEquivalent4069 −  Maybe Alex is trans, maybe not. You don’t care and it’s his business to inform you if he is. You’re not saying you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community or attracted to him so not sure why it would be your business. NTA.

Useful-Commission-76 −  Frankly in a roommate situation, paying the rent on time and picking up after themselves means more than any kind of s**ual orientation.

praysolace −  Why the hell would you be an a**hole for leaving someone who both a) is a virulent transphobe and b) thinks if you’re ever in the presence of any other human with a vagina you’re inevitably going to f**k that person? Even if we remove the transphobia, she’s n**rotic about assuming you’re a c**ater. That alone is grounds for dumping for your own sanity.

p0tat0p0tat0 −  More cis male teens get b**ast reductions for gynecomastia each year than trans male teens ever have. Your girlfriend is a rotten transphobe and also not super well-informed.

Visible_Floor3945 −  She’s f**king nuts! He’s a man, plain and simple. She’s a transaphobe! Don’t ask him, if he wanted you to know he’d have told you. Although it sounds like he already knows you know if he’s comfortable with you seeing the scars and hasn’t mentioned it. And that’s even if he is trans. You both sound like good men, never take that pos back, neither of you need that negativity around you!

AutisticPenguin2 −  NTA. Your ex is a transphobic pos. Alex is a cool dude, and more importantly a good housemate, and she wants to throw that away over identity politics. You dodged a bullet.

Ballas333 −  NTA. You don’t owe that transphobic pos anything. You’re right. It doesn’t matter if he’s trans or if it’s from some other medical surgery. She is not owed any knowledge about his life, genitals, or medical history just because she doesn’t think he deserves to exist or thinks he’s delusional, or whatever other bs transphobes are spouting. You did the right thing blocking and dumping her.

Sure-Beach-9560 −  INFO: Did you start dating your GF when you were 17 and she was 22? And aside from that slightly disturbing fact, you’ve been together five years and appear to not be moving forward (living together, etc.) – where exactly was this relationship going?

RRosse_Roses −  Overall, it seems like you prioritized respect for your roommate and your principles over an ultimatum, which is commendable. You’re not an a**hole for wanting to protect someone’s privacy and for not compromising your values.

TrueSock4285 −  Hi op .As a trans man theres lots of other things those scars could be, including literal b**ast cancer, so asking alex could be traumatizing and especially embarrassing over something so dumb

Was the Redditor right to stand by his roommate and break up with his girlfriend over her demands, or should he have prioritized his relationship with Sarah by asking his roommate about his gender identity? How would you have handled this situation? Share your thoughts below!