AITA for not inviting my partner’s ex to our wedding, even though they have a child together?
A Redditor shared their concern about whether they’re in the wrong for not inviting their fiancé’s ex to their wedding. While she understands the importance of the ex in their daughter’s life, she feels uncomfortable with the potential stress caused by her drinking issues and the tension between them. Read the original story below to find out more about the challenges they’re facing in finalizing the guest list.
‘ AITA for not inviting my partner’s ex to our wedding, even though they have a child together?’
My fiancé (34M) and I (31F) are getting married soon and we’re finalising the guest list. He has a daughter from his previous relationship and we’re trying to include her as much as possible. The issue is his ex (her mother) who expects to be invited to the wedding.
For context, me and my finance have the daughter for most of the time, her mother gets her maybe a weekend a month. She’s a nice enough person but she has a lot of problems with drinking too heavily, and then becomes a less nice person.
While I understand that she’s an important figure in our daughter’s life, I’m just not comfortable with the idea of her there at the wedding. From what I know, she’s not made steps towards stopping with her drinking problem and I can only imagine what kind of choices she would make at the wedding and I don’t want the stress of that on the day.
She and I have had a pretty good relationship for the sake of the daughter, but there has been some tension and disagreements in the past. For instance, when she came over drunk before and said that she wanted to see her daughter more, that I’m pretending to be her mother etc. I can understand where it’s coming from and she is nice, but she ultimately has problems that she’s not willing to confront at the moment.
I’ve tried to talk to her about it before, more for the daughter’s sake but she just brushes it off even when she’s sober. I want our wedding day to be about me and fiancé, rather than any potential awkwardness or drama.
My fiancé wants to keep things amicable for our daughter (and he also has a feeling that his ex is already annoyed that we’re getting married; and this only got worse when she realised she wasn’t invited) but understands my feelings on it.
His ex has already expressed her displeasure about not being invited and I’m worried that it will create more issues. However, I do want our wedding day to be focused on celebrating us without the stress of anything she might do. AITA?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
CrewelSummer − NTA. It’s a rare case where an ex partner gets invited to the wedding, even when kids are shared. There will be plenty of people there the child knows. Plenty of people who will likely be willing to keep an eye on them. She can hang out with her grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins when the bride and groom are busy. Mom doesn’t need to be there.
And if mom has a drinking problem she’s not addressing, she *shouldn’t* be there. That’s almost asking for an incident. After all, if she can’t handle the very normal thing of not being invited to an ex’s wedding, then how’s she going to handle the much more challenging task of watching her ex get married and move on? She’s not going to handle it well, that’s for sure, and after some drinks it’s very likely she causes a scene.
Your wedding isn’t about your partner’s coparenting relationship and should not be centered around it. In fact, this is a time where you need to be strong and set and hold boundaries with the ex. If she learns from this that all she needs to do to get her way is throw a fit, guess what she’s going to keep doing forever
owls_and_cardinals − NTA. It doesn’t sound like your fiancee wants her there because they are close but to avoid conflict. That, to me, is not a fair ask of you. Outside of exceptional circumstances in which a couple is close with one of the people’s ex, it would seem odd to me for her to be invited and for her to expect to be invited.
She seems to expect kid glove handling and you aren’t obligated to give that to her. Couple that with the likelihood that, since presumably there will be alcohol served, this actually turns bad in light of her issues with drinking, it seems like an actively BAD idea for her to be invited.
Lovebeingadad54321 − So let me get this straight… your fiancé’s a**oholic ex, who barely had visitation with her own daughter, due to her a**oholism…. Thinks she needs to be at YOUR wedding, to spend time with her daughter…. That is not just a no but a “f**king no way” no….. NTA
She wants to spend time with her daughter, she can go to rehab, get cleaned up, be sober for a couple of years, then petition the court for more visitation/ half custody… but until she is sober, she should not be near that child ever.
Kasparian − How old is the daughter?
needabook55 − NTA. It’s you and your fiancé’s wedding and you can invite who you want to. If she has a drinking problem, inviting her to the wedding could be an issue because if she gets drunk and starts to misbehave, you should have to get someone to escort her out, which could cause more problems later on.
I know some people will invite the other parent, if they have a friendly co-parenting, to the wedding if they have young children to have someone be able to watch over the child during the reception, or to take them home with them after the ceremony/ reception, so the newly married couple can have a night to themselves. But it sounds like you might not have that relationship with the child’s mother.
Due-Passenger7093 − NTA not even a question… it’s your wedding… your fiancé might want to man up and realize that you and his wedding are more important than an uncomfortable talk to his ex… unless the mother is actively breastfeeding (it does very much not sound like it) she has no buisness being at the wedding unless you want her there… i’m sure the kid is fine without her there
Alinaoana − NTA. No need for so much explaining, really. She’s the ex and you don’t want her there is enough reason. I am happy your partner is on your side, green flag there. Congratulations and just enjoy your big day!
Bethechsnge − No, just no. This is not someone you want to have at a celebration of your relationship, and he is wrong to ask you to have her there. The potential disaster is too high. You will never regret not having her there. You are highly likely to throughly regret having her there. The cost/benefit does not make it worth the risk.
yorgun_0073 − NTA. Your wedding day should be about you, your fiancé, and your joy together. While it’s important to consider the feelings of others, especially when a child is involved, you are not obligated to invite someone who might disrupt the celebration or cause stress due to unresolved personal issues.
It’s great that you’ve managed a good relationship with her for your stepdaughter’s sake, but your wedding is a boundary that you are entitled to set, especially given her history of unpredictable behavior. It sounds like you and your fiancé are on the same page about what’s best for your wedding day, which is crucial.
Maybe there’s another way to ensure that his daughter feels the connection with her mom around the time of the wedding, like a special outing together before or after the big day.
NOTTHATKAREN1 − Who TF invites their ex to their wedding? Nobody. There is literally no valid reason for her to be there.
Do you think the Redditor is justified in not inviting her partner’s ex to the wedding, or should she have made the effort for the sake of the child? How would you navigate family dynamics like this in a wedding situation? Share your thoughts below!