AITA – For not inviting my mom’s side of the family for Christmas?

A woman (31F) and her husband (31M) recently experienced a traumatic pregnancy loss. Her mom, who is emotionally distant, has not offered the support she needs during this difficult time.

The woman has decided not to spend Christmas with her mom’s side of the family, as they have a history of prying into her pregnancy and childbearing plans, which would be especially painful after her loss.

Instead, she wants to have a small celebration with her immediate family. Her mom is upset that the woman invited her dad’s side of the family but not her own, and now they are not speaking. read the original story below…

‘ AITA – For not inviting my mom’s side of the family for Christmas ?’

My husband (31M) and I (31F) recently lost a much wanted pregnancy last month. The whole ordeal was traumatic which required emergency surgery where I lost our baby. I have since been recovering both emotionally and physically.

The upcoming holidays are especially tough since we were planning on announcing around Christmas time. Now, my parents are aware of my situation. My mom is a “tough love” type of parent and not emotionally supportive.

She’s not the type to let me cry on her shoulder, hug me, and tell me everything will be ok. She’s more of a “life happens, move on” which is pretty much what she told me in the midst of my pregnancy loss. I’m still grieving my loss.

I know I can’t rely on my mom for the emotional support I need and that’s ok. I have my husband, I’m in therapy, and a few friends to rely on. Now, every Christmas we spend it with my mom’s side of the family.

My husband and I despise going there because they have no boundaries and harass us with “When are you having kids? Why aren’t you pregnant yet? You’re just getting older. Don’t you feel bad your parents aren’t grandparents yet?”

Given what we went through, I told my mom I didn’t want to celebrate with that side of the family. I’d rather have a small celebration with immediate family at my new house and avoid all the questions.

My mom did not like that answer and said I need to “accept” what happened to me and pretty much get over it. I told her I’ve accepted it but that doesn’t mean I want to be around people who question why I’m not pregnant yet. Now this is where I might be the a-hole.

She said it wasn’t fair that I invited my dad’s sister but not her sister. My dad’s sister is incredibly understanding and has not questioned me about kids. I have a better relationship with her than my mom’s side of the family who are all chismosas and gossipers.

I knew if they found out about my pregnancy loss that I would be the talk of the town. My mom has not talked to me since. Am I the a**hole for not inviting my mom’s side of the family for Christmas?

Check out how the community responded:

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 −  NTA.. Given her position: My mom did not like that answer and said I need to “accept” what happened to me and pretty much get over it. I think that you should respond to this:

She said it wasn’t fair that I invited my dad’s sister but not her sister.. By telling her that she needs to: “accept” what happened \[to her\] and pretty much get over it.

owls_and_cardinals −  NTA. Your mom is being incredibly insensitive. Being a ‘tough love’ type does not have to involve being entirely unwilling to accommodate or see someone else’s perspective. Proceed with the holiday plan you want for yourself this year.

You’re being considerate by recognizing you aren’t going to be in the head space to face particular relatives this year. This just isn’t the year for it. Rather than go there and be miserable, or risk a blow-up or a conflict arising, you’re sitting it out. That is the right move.

You need sensitivity and support right now, so invite the people who will provide that. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you don’t also face any ‘loss’ of relationship with your mother over this but I don’t think you should change your plan to appease her.

She doesn’t sound so much like ‘tough love’ as she sounds cruel and selfish. Perhaps this experience will actually help her wake up to the idea that if she cannot play a loving, supporting role in your life (even if her form of support is not through physical affection) then her role in your life will be minimized.

Worth-Season3645 −  NTA…oh my gosh, I am so very sorry for your loss. Hugs. Truthfully, I would not spend any time with your mother, holidays or not, until you are ready to do so, if ever.. And if she does contact you… “Mom, I lost a child. I am not going to just get over “it”.

That may be how you handle things, but you know it is not how I do so. That is ok, we can agree to disagree. But no one, including my own mother, gets to tell me how I should feel. And since you cannot support me when I need it most, but make it all about you,

your family, your wants and needs, I think it best that to celebrate the holidays in my home with family and friends that care about my well being instead of their own”. And if she just shows up at your door, this is where husband steps in.

“Mom, can u behave? If so, you are welcome. If not, it is best you leave”. If she gets inside and starts in, husband gets her coat and directs her out the door. Do not feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

feminist1946 −  NTA. Your party. Your decision . It may be time to reevaluate your relationship with your mother. From what you say she appears to be quite intrusive into your life.

You are a grown woman and it’s time to talk to her as such. A polite I appreciate your suggestion but I am going to have the people I want to my party. No reason needed. If she gives you back talk tell her to s**k it up and move on.

aj_alva −  NTA. Stick to your guns. If she can dish it, she can take it. Mom, this is what we are doing “Just accept it” – “Life happens, move on.” 

ZzyzxDFW −  NTA—not even close. First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. The holidays are hard enough without dealing with invasive questions or a lack of emotional support from your own mom.

You’ve been through something devastating, and it’s entirely reasonable to prioritize your mental health and avoid triggering situations. Now, thinking out loud—are you geographically close to your mom’s family? Do you have to fly there?

If so, this could be your golden ticket for a fib: “Oops, I missed my flight!” (that you never booked). No one needs to know otherwise. Sometimes, a harmless lie like that is the easiest way to keep the peace without exhausting yourself emotionally.

Back to the main issue—your mom’s reaction. Her “tough love” approach is bad enough, but dismissing your grief and pressuring you to “get over it” is completely out of line.

You’ve made it clear you’re doing the hard work of processing your loss in your own way, and you don’t owe anyone, not even her, an explanation. As for her side of the family, they sound like a nosy, boundary-stomping nightmare.

Inviting your dad’s sister, who respects your space and doesn’t grill you about your life choices, is a perfectly reasonable decision. Your mom’s family has proven they won’t respect your boundaries, so why should they get an invite?

End of the day, NTA. Whether you go with honesty or a creative excuse, your only obligation is to do what’s best for your mental health. “Missing a flight” might save you the drama, but either way, you’re firmly in the right here.

curien −  My mom did not like that answer and said I need to “accept” what happened to me and pretty much get over it. “Mom, you need to accept that this is what’s happening, and get over it.” NTA.

Aturkey4thxgving −  NTA, frankly if my mother acted the way yours is she would be nowhere near me on Christmas. So sorry she’s being so inconsiderate

Bunny_Bixler99 −  “My mom has not talked to me since.” Your mother gave you an early holiday gift. Accept that and seek comfort in supportive individuals. Your mother needs to “accept” that she has probably redefined your relationship going forward . NTA 

Is the woman wrong for choosing not to invite her mom’s side of the family to Christmas, considering the emotional strain and difficult history with them? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!