AITA for not inviting my mom to my graduation?

A Redditor (22F) recently celebrated her college graduation with a small gathering of close friends and family. Due to a complicated relationship with her mother (50s), who has been critical and unsupportive of her achievements, she decided not to invite her. Now, after her mother expressed hurt and called her decision petty, she’s questioning whether she made the right choice. Read the full story below to understand the context.

‘ AITA for not inviting my mom to my graduation?’

Hi! I am a silent reader here in reddit, and maybe it’s time to share my story. I (22F) recently graduated from college, and it’s a huge achievement for me. I’ve worked really hard, and I’m really proud of myself. I didn’t want a big celebration, but I decided to have a small gathering with my closest friends and a few family members to mark the occasion. I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my mom (50s).

She’s not a bad person, but she’s been very critical of me growing up. She’s always had high expectations and never really celebrated my accomplishments. Even when I did well in school or achieved something, she’d downplay it or find something to criticize.

In high school, I got straight A’s, and she told me I could’ve done better. In college, when I made the dean’s list, she said, “Well, you had it easy, you didn’t have to work.” She’s always been like this, so I’ve learned to just do my best for myself, not to seek her approval. I’ve tried talking to her about how her behavior makes me feel, but she brushes it off or gets defensive, so I gave up a while ago.

When I was planning my graduation gathering, I didn’t initially think about inviting her. My dad (55M) and I are close, and I was excited to have him there, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of inviting my mom. She’s never been supportive in the way I needed, and I didn’t want her presence to overshadow what was supposed to be a happy occasion for me. I knew if she came, she’d make some offhand comment about how I could’ve done better, and I didn’t want that negativity at my celebration.

I ended up not inviting her, and when I told her about the event, she was hurt. She said that it was a “huge mistake” and that I was being petty by not inviting her. She reminded me that she’s my mother and has been there for me in her own way. Now, she’s not speaking to me, and I’m feeling conflicted. I don’t think I made the wrong decision, but part of me feels guilty for hurting her feelings. So, AITA for not inviting my mom to my graduation?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Mathalamus2 −  She reminded me that she’s my mother and has been there for me in her own way. Her way sucks. she didnt deserve to attend. NTA.

nerdinden −  Her past actions have hurt you. So no, you’re not the a-hole. By the way, Congratulations!

extinct_diplodocus −  she’s my mother and has been there for me in her own way. Yes, she has. And *her way* is to without exception disparage and belittle your accomplishments. Congratulations on finally standing up for yourself and not allowing her to spoil this one occasion.

Be grateful she’s not speaking to you. If she did, she’d find a way to bring you down, as usual. If you’d invited her to your graduation, you’d be betting against very long odds that she’d suddenly become supportive. You showed you were smart by not making that bet. You’ve succeeded on your own, despite your mother being the opposite of a cheerleader. Don’t second guess yourself about your decision.. NTA.

Classroom_Visual −  NTA. Your mum experienced the consequences of her own actions. She has acted in a way that makes you feel belittled and then belittled you again when you tried to express how her comments made you feel. The next step is that she isn’t trusted to be in your life for events that really matter, like a graduation.

This is actually how relationships work – they are reciprocal. We’re all constantly adjusting and evolving around other people so that we get to be ourselves, but in a way that means we’re included in other people’s lives as well. Your mum now has a chance to reflect on her behaviour and decide whether she wants to make the hard work to change. The ball is in her court now.

I imagine that someone as perfectionistic as your mother had parents who belittled her accomplishments, and that she was taught she was never good enough. But, it’s up to her to do the work to examine this and not pass this down to her children.. Congrats on your graduation!

MorbidBurnOut −  NTA. Her being your mother does not give her free reign to b**ly you. A support system is exactly what it sounds like. You invited someone who does just that. Sorry Mother FAFO.

saintandvillian −  NTA. Isn’t it funny how you walked away feeling kind of bad for upsetting your mother even when the issue is that your mother has never felt that level of empathy for you? This would be a time for your mother to self-reflect. Instead, she turned it back to you. Stay away from this woman. She will never change.

Epsilon_Meletis −  I am really stumped how often I see this lately: Parent is not a bad person, but very good reason why they are, in fact, a bad person. NTA. And face the truth: She’s been a negative factor your whole life and if you decide you don’t need that at your celebration, then all the better for you. Part of me feels guilty for hurting her feelings. Better not let her see that. It’s not like she ever felt guilty for stomping on your self-esteem, no?

AnnaliseUnderground −  As someone who had an a**sive mom and dad (mentally and physically) I understand and no you aren’t the AH but your Mom is. As a parent we’re SUPPOSED to love and support our children. It’s about them. You don’t guilt your child and hold things over their head. And it’s sad that she downplayed your achievements. (My Mom and Dad did too.)

My Mom used to humiliate me by sharing my failures or mistakes with others at social events. “My daughter’s so stupid she failed chemistry. Hahaha.” Had I said something like, “You were too cheap to pay for a tutor and too stupid to help me,” I would have come home to a serious beating that would have never stopped. It didn’t matter how much I expressed hurt for this. She didn’t do that to my siblings. But she got off on humiliating me.

I can’t imagine downplaying my son’s achievements or making fun of him to get laughs out of my friend groups. I’m always hyping him up because I know how important that is to a kid. Anyway… Kudos to you! You’ve worked really hard! You’ve got the right attitude – to achieve and work hard for YOU – not to please her. If you were my daughter I’d be telling everyone how amazing you are. Some women feel competitive with their daughters which is awful. The smartest thing for that is to do what you did. Be true to you. You tried to talk to her. She now gets to face the consequences of her own actions.

diminishingpatience −  NTA. She doesn’t deserve to be there.

dodoatsandwiggets −  From a mom—I’m proud of you, you’ve done a great job getting through college so successfully. You have a bright future ahead. Congratulations! I can see why you didn’t invite your mom and I can see why she’s hurt. Have you talked to her about how her negativity about your accomplishments make you feel? I’m going with NTA as you deserved a day to celebrate and not hear anything critical. Good job kiddo.