AITA for not inviting my ex-wife to my children’s birthday?

A Redditor seeks judgment on whether they were wrong to exclude their ex-wife and her stepdaughter from their twins’ birthday celebration. After learning that his sons feel neglected by their mother, who favors her stepdaughter, the user decided not to invite them to avoid conflicts.

However, some family members believe he’s wrong for “excluding a 9-year-old for no reason.” Read the full story below to see the details…

‘ AITA for not inviting my ex-wife to my children’s birthday?’

Me (42M) and my ex-wife (Let’s call her Rachel for the sake of the story) (44F) have twins Elias (8M) and Ezra (8M). My ex-wife and I divorced when they were both 3 years old and we have 50-50 custody.

Rachel is married again and has a stepdaughter who is 9 years old (Let’s call her Mia) Lately, the twins threw tantrums several times when I took them to their mother and I recently found out the reason why.

According to the twins, Rachel is ONLY with Mia, when they ask her to play with them/help with their homework, she is “busy” and “Boys are big enough that mommy can let their hands go”.

If one of the twins and Mia fight, Rachel always takes Mia’s side and puts the twins in time-out or grounds them or they don’t get dessert, etc. As it turns out, this has been going on for weeks. I have met Mia a few times (on birthdays or holidays) and I honestly understand where my sons are coming from.

If she doesn’t get something, she throws a tantrum, starts crying (even in public) and screams “I WANT THIS!” until my ex or her father gives it to her. Which they do every single time. I sat down to talk about this with Rachel, who said (I quote):

I can’t help it, Mia is so sweet and I’ve always wanted a little princess, so of course I want to spend more time with her”. I tried to make a compromise with her, but she refused to listen.

The twins’ birthday is in two days and the day before yesterday they asked me that they didn’t want Mia to be here. Because I want my sons to have a good time at their birthday party, I informed my ex about this.

Rachel was nervous to say the least. She said “if they want to exclude Mia, she won’t come either.” I offered to organize a small cake/party during her week where Mia could also participate, but she didn’t want to hear it. She accused me of spoiling the twins and pushing out a 9-year-old girl.

I said okay, then spend the day with Mia, but don’t come when Mia is with her. My twins were a little sad that their mom wasn’t coming, but when I told them that their cousins were coming and their other family members too and They immediately cheered up.

it’s looks like Rachel informed some joint family members about this, who just called and texted that I’m an a**hole for excluding a 9-year-old girl “for no reason”. I feel that my actions are correct, but I would like some second opinions. so AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

frozenbroccolis −  NTA for protecting your kids and fulfilling THEIR wishes. You will be however if you don’t go for more custody and inform the courts what is happening.

Your children are telling you they are being neglected, they are being made to feel lesser than and their biological parent is neglecting them, punishing them and showing preferential treatment to their step sibling. This absolutely is and will take a toll on their mental health. You have way bigger issues here than a birthday party

adobeacrobatreader −  NTA. You did your job; you put your children first. Sidenote: Is everyone popping out twins these days? Of the ten posts I read, eight have twins. It’s either fake or I need to start saving more money for when I have kids because it seems the chance of having a twin is 50% these days.

dart1126 −  NTA. You didn’t exclude Mia for no reason. The reason is because she would ruin the day for the birthday kids, who expressed they don’t want her to come. You know this,they know this, Rachel knows this. The fact that she would choose not to attend only punctuates the problem of her putting Mia over them.

Cursd818 −  NTA – Maybe it’s time to reconsider going for more custody. If your boys are being neglected and excluded for her stepdaughter, you should do everything you can to keep them out of that environment. Shame on your ex for being such a despicable mother.

excel_pager_420 −  NTA but a smart thing to do would be to arrange a big family outing (\*not birthday related\*) invite all the extended family, Rachel, her husband, Mia, insist ones accusing you of excluding “for no reason” have to come.

Plan the activity something where kids will have to naturally share/compromise. Aquarium/theme park followed by a play in the park then dinner. Then let Mia’s tantrums and Rachel and her husband’s parenting speak for itself.

sofimnroe −  Your twins have expressed that they don’t want Mia at their birthday party, and it’s important to listen to them. It’s their special day, and they should feel comfortable and happy 😔

Dittoheadforever −  You’re NTA. Your sons didn’t want their favored stepsister at their party. Your children’s mother made the decision not to attend their party. She is deliberately sucking up to her stepdaughter to the point of neglecting her sons. This is 100% on her.

maleficentwasright −  NTA – But tell the people who think that you’re excluding Mia that Rachel is excluding her own sons when they are at her home because:

“I can’t help it, Mia is so sweet and I’ve always wanted a little princess, so of course I want to spend more time with her”. And you don’t want your boys competing for their mums attention, once again, on their birthday.

C_Majuscula −  NTA. If the boys don’t want their tormentor there, that’s their choice. It’s very sad that their mother isn’t putting them first.

madcat220 −  Deffo NTA. You’ve put your kids first before a girl who seems to be spoilt by dad and stepmother. It’s sad that Rachel is letting a 9 year old child, be it her step daughter, ruin her relationship between her and her twin boys.

I applaud you for putting your kids first, setting that boundary and even coming up with a compromise of the extra cake during her week to celebrate with the boys and Mia.

Do you think the user was fair to prioritize his twins’ comfort for their birthday, or should he have insisted on including his ex-wife and her stepdaughter? How would you handle a similar situation to balance family dynamics? Share your thoughts below!