AITA for not inviting my estranged brother to my wedding?

A Reddit user shares a difficult decision about whether to invite their estranged brother to their wedding. Despite years of tension, culminating in a cruel prank involving their fiancée at the brother’s wedding, the user is torn between keeping the peace with their sibling and prioritizing their fiancée’s happiness and a drama-free celebration. Is leaving their brother off the guest list the right choice? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not inviting my estranged brother to my wedding?’

My brother lives in another state, and we’ve been estranged for years now. He’s got some kind of untreated narcistic disorder, that manifests as the need to act out, be rude to people (waitstaff, service industry), play unfunny jokes on people. In short, we don’t really get along, and getting away from him was a component of my motivation to move out of state.

The most egregious act though is his treatment of us at his wedding. Even though were estranged, he made me his best man for some reason? Me and my fiancée flew out on our own dime to his wedding, helped him run errands, and generally tried to help out where possible. On the day of the wedding, we find out, that there’s a wedding party table, but me and my fiancée are not seated at it…despite me being the best man. I didn’t feel particularly slighted at the time, but it does seem weirdly specific to do so now.

The worst thing that happened was there was a DJ at the reception. My fiancée went to request a song for a family member (we both decided against bombing the DJ with dumb requests), and was told “I’m not allowed to accept requests from you”. At which point she told me, and we both went up together and the DJ said “Your the only people I’m not allowed to accept requests from, specifically (me) and my fiancée” The DJ listed my name correctly, but had my fiancée listed as some kind of B-word? Bing-Bong? I never got the exact name right.

Later I was told by a relative that my fiancée’s name had been written wrong on purpose for the DJ and somewhere else as some kind of medical device for intubating obese patients. I’ve never gotten the full story, but understandably my fiancée was extremely upset.

After the wedding, about a year later, my fiancée confronted my brother about this while he was tipsy (we were at a cigar bar, he picked a fight and fell through a table, the bartender didn’t kick him out and said “that’s just him”…this is the public behavior he gets away with living in a small town), and my brother admitted that yes, he purposefully changed my fiancée’s name on the guest list/DJ list to that rude name for no discernable reason.

He apologized, but my fiancée has never been properly satisfied with that apology and is still understandably angry at him. My fiancée is still bitter (rightly so) about her treatment at his wedding/in general. My friends all know about this treatment, and are aware of our history together, so pretty much will not exactly be welcoming either. So:

Invite my brother, invite chaos, piss of my fiancée, but maybe salvage a tenuous relationship with my only sibling? Don’t invite my brother, make my fiancée happy, ensure all my friends have a good time, probably permanently end my estranged relationship with my only sibling? AITA for not inviting him?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Saberune −  Is this really that hard of a choice for you? Your fiancee is your family now. All your decisions should come from that angle. You don’t even get along with the little obnoxious s**t, anyway. DNA is overrated. All that matters is respect. You shouldn’t tolerate nonsense because you’re family. NTA.

Artistic_Thought7309 −  Your brother is an emotional terrorist. One with whom you must not negotiate. Go on with your wedding without him. You do not have a relationship with him, anyway. You are his punching bag for his creepy, charged, obnoxious behaviour.. NTA.

Aw_Yeah_Nuh −  NTA if you don’t invite him. He sounds chaotic and he will find some way to bring disruption to your wedding. At some point, those of us with problematic siblings have to accept that this is how they are and there isn’t going to be a bolt of lightning moment when they decide to be the caring, reasonable sibling we hope for. Your decision may upset parents and other relatives but ride it out. You and your fiance are going to build a life together and your first allegiance is to each other. Don’t let her down at the start.

ejdjd −  He’s got some kind of untreated narcistic disorder, that manifests as the need to act out, be rude to people (waitstaff, service industry), play unfunny jokes on people. NO – he doesn’t have an “undiagnosed disorder”. He’s just an a**hole. Option 2 all the way.. NTA.

CrazyOldBag −  Why in Dog’s name would you want this asswipe at your wedding? Wedding guests are people who love and support the couple, not jerkwads that happen to share ancestors with you. Your brother’s toxicity is not something you want within miles of your wedding. Ignore him, don’t invite him no matter who starts bleating “FAAAAAAAMILLLEEE!”, and have a wonderful day. He brings nothing positive to your life; don’t let him have any more space in your head.

Kebar8 −  Let’s say your brother is on his best behaviour and the event goes swimmingly well ? Does that outweigh the utter horror of him ruining your wedding, your new to be wife knowing that you didn’t have her back and gets to say I told you so ?  Your not the a**hole for not inviting him, but you will be if you do.

CandylandCanada −  NTA. Option 2, without question.

Malibu_Cola −  He’s estranged from you, and atp, is basically a stranger. NTA. He’d probably ruin your big day.

Ok_Purple766 −  Yeah..why would you want to salvage a relationship with that brother? And if you do, why would you risk pissing off your fiancée and also do it at your own wedding? Don’t.

Competitive_Bad4537 −  I had something similar. My brother and I don’t get along, but all of a sudden, I was the best man, and my fiance, now wife, was at the wedding party as well for his wedding. We did all the BS, and it was drama-free. Fast forward to my wedding. My brother comes unshaven, looks like a mess, complains the whole time, and books 5 am flights, so my parents must leave the wedding early.

The moral of the story is once an ass, always an ass. Support your fiance and the woman with whom you will spend the rest of your life. If it will damage your relationship with your parents, you need to make a mutual decision; otherwise, don’t invite him. He will somehow damage the day, which will affect your relationship with your wife.