AITA for not helping my son and his wife with my grandson?

Family support is invaluable, but sometimes the circumstances and personal limitations of those offering help must be considered. I’ve been a consistent pillar for my oldest son and his daughter ever since a traumatic teenage pregnancy left them in need.

However, now that my younger son, who is 35 and married, has a baby and is asking for long-term childcare from me, I’m forced to set boundaries. My current health issues, including back pain and arthritis, mean that while I’m willing to help on a short-term basis, I cannot commit to ongoing, full-time care.

‘AITA for not helping my son and his wife with my grandson?’

Navigating family expectations for childcare is never simple. In our OP’s case, the contrast between a 16‐year-old in crisis and a 35‐year‐old with more established resources is stark. Previously, when his son was a teenager, his parents’ intervention was not just an act of love—it was a necessity born of limited options. Today, however, a married adult with his own support network should ideally explore alternatives like daycare or assistance from other relatives.

Family systems experts note that as we age, our capacity for full-time caregiving naturally declines. Physical limitations—like chronic back pain or arthritis—are real and unavoidable. It’s reasonable for grandparents to set boundaries that protect their own health and financial security, rather than be perpetually available for family crises. After all, caregiving is a noble endeavor, but it is not a one-size-fits-all obligation.

The dynamics within extended families can create expectations of favoritism. Some argue that by refusing to provide the same level of help to his younger son, the OP is showing bias. However, the situation warrants nuance: the emotional and physical energy required to care for a toddler today is very different from that needed decades ago when his son was just a child. Family roles evolve, and so must our expectations.

According to Dr. Kenzslowe, PsyD, MBA, a clinical psychologist working with grandfamilies, “While grandparents can offer invaluable support, it’s crucial for them to set boundaries that protect their own health and financial security. This sentiment encapsulates the essence of the matter: caregiving, while deeply rewarding, should not come at the expense of a caregiver’s well-being. When grandparents are expected to sacrifice too much, resentment—and eventual breakdown in family relationships—can occur.

Moreover, modern societal structures offer a variety of childcare options that didn’t exist when our OP’s eldest son was a teenager. With more reliable daycare facilities, governmental support programs, and even flexible work arrangements available today, the expectation that one should replicate past sacrifices is both outdated and unfair. Grandparents are not a perpetual safety net; they too deserve the opportunity to enjoy their later years without the weight of continuous caregiving.

Ultimately, the key lies in open communication and realistic expectations. Families benefit when they collaboratively assess needs and distribute responsibilities fairly. Rather than leaning solely on the experience of aging caregivers, exploring alternative supports can relieve pressure and preserve valuable intergenerational bonds.

See what others had to share with OP:

Many appreciate the significant role that grandparents play in childcare, highlighting how their involvement strengthens family bonds and creates cherished memories. At the same time, several commenters express concerns about overburdening older relatives with too much responsibility, which can lead to fatigue and negatively affect their health and financial stability.

They suggest that rather than relying solely on grandparents, families should explore alternative childcare options—such as daycare services—and share caregiving duties more equitably among family members, ultimately promoting a healthier and more sustainable family dynamic.

In this multifaceted family saga, the OP’s dilemma shines a light on the evolving role of grandparents in today’s world. While past crises might have justified full-time caregiving by older parents, changing circumstances and personal limitations now call for a more balanced approach. The debate reminds us that love for family does not obligate one to compromise personal health or future security.

What do you think? Have you encountered similar family expectations, and how did you navigate them? Share your thoughts and experiences below – what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?