AITA for not going to wife’s event?

A man decides not to attend his wife’s boss’s wedding after a rough few days dealing with her heavy drinking, which also involved neglecting their son. Though initially ready to go despite social anxiety, he canceled because he couldn’t bear pretending everything was fine at the event.

His wife accused him of ruining her day and claimed he wouldn’t have canceled if it were his family. He acknowledges some truth in her claim but believes he simply reached his emotional limit. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not going to wife’s event?’

My wife (35f) and I (37m) have been married for 8 years. She has always been a big drinker but things have got really bad after a bunch of personal problems the last 3 years. I’ve tried to be there for her. But the drinking (and her behaviour) has got really bad.

I’ve had to cut down hours at work and make personal sacrifices which have caused a lot of stress for me. We have a son (6), and her behaviour affects him as well. Sometimes he gets up in the morning and his mom is still drunk from the night before.

I have always tried my best to be there and to keep him insulated from it all. (The reason I’ve cut down my working hours is to ensure I’m always there for school pickups/drop-offs, in case my wife is unable to do it. I had to do this after a recent incident where she drove him to school while i**oxicated).

All through these few years, I have tried to get her to stop drinking but in the end there isn’t much I can do if she doesn’t do it herself. At the start of year, things were looking pretty bad with our marriage. We had a proper talk and she said she would change.

There were a few things I asked specifically for her to stick to – the main one of these was not to drink-drive with our son in the car. Things have been good and she’s had fewer binges.This week, she had a major blowout:

**Thursday:** she drove our son to her friend’s, drank 2 large glasses of wine, then drove back home. She brought two more bottles of wine home with her and drank through the night. ( I took over childcare once she came home and I realised she’d been drinking).

**Friday:** BBQ with my family. I caught up with my sister, my son played with his cousins (who he hardly sees), and my wife continued drinking through the day.

**Saturday:** she went “shopping” at 8am and came home at 9pm. Stank of alcohol and confessed she’d been in a pub all day.

Then yesterday (Sunday) we were due to go to my wife’s boss’s wedding. She has been looking forward to this months. I don’t know anyone from her work and I didn’t want to go (social anxiety issues) but of course I was prepared to go with her. After the blowout, however, I told her I wasn’t going.

I could not face another day of watching her drink herself into a stupor – while at the same time taking responsibility for our son and then making small talk with people I didn’t know, trying to keep a smile on my face and pretend that things are good. The thought of it nearly made my head explode.

She tells me I’m the AH for cancelling on her and ruining her day and making her look stupid in front of her work friends. She says I wouldn’t have done it if it was my family/friends and that I’m only doing it as revenge for being out all day on Saturday.

I’ve thought about and I think there might be a bit of truth in there; however, in all honesty, I simply couldn’t face the wedding and putting a brave face on things. She says I should have gone to the wedding regardless and we could sort it out after. I’m not sure.. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

lihzee −  Why are you acting like this event even matters? Your wife is a f**king a**oholic and is driving drunk with your child in the car – maybe do something more drastic than not attend an event with her. It’s time to actually DO SOMETHING about this, dude.

Ok_Perception1131 −  YTA for enabling her, especially because she’s been putting your son and other drivers at risk of injury or d**th. Not only that, I can assure you that he sees Mom’s behavior and will grow up thinking this is normal.

Your wife will not change. She’s an a**oholic. An addict. And there have been no consequences to her actions: for 8 years she’s been drinking excessively and for 8 years you’ve stayed with her. You’ve found work-arounds for when she’s drunk. You’ve adjusted your schedule to enable her to continue drinking.

Thus, she will continue to drink. An addict won’t quit because someone else wants them to. They have to feel the consequences of their actions, ie hit rock bottom, and make the decision, themselves, to quit. Please look up resources for loved ones of alcoholics [HERE.](https://al-anon.org)

And hire a divorce attorney – not to file for divorce, but to get information on how to line up your ducks in a row, in the event that you separate or divorce in the future. If that happens, you need evidence of her driving your son while drunk, in order to protect him by getting full custody.

In other words, you would be hiring an attorney just to *gather information.* The same way you would gather information if you were considering buying a car or a house. Good luck. Sadly, there are many people who, like you, are married to an a**oholic. The good news is there’s lots of support out there for you.

Qwilzee −  Who cares about the wedding??? Your wife is abusing alcohol to the point of ENDANGERING your child! You need to either get her help immediately and if she fights tooth and nail and keeps drinking you need to take your child out of that situation.

If my partner drove drunk while having our child in the car, ONCE, id damn well take the child away till they get some damn help!

mifflewhat −  This is above Reddit’s pay grade. Your wife is an a**oholic and you say there have already been incidents of drunk driving with your child in the car. Please find a support group for people whose loved ones are a**oholic, and/or see a professional (psychological, medical, anyone who is familiar with substance abuse issues).

If you cannot find resources, ask at the nearest hospital. You need expert advice on how to handle this situation.

Hippopotasaurus-Rex −  Dude, I promised you, you’re not shielding/protecting your son as much as you think you are from your wife’s a**oholism. You know what really sucks when you’re a kid? Having an a**oholic mother.

Even worse when other relatives around you, especially your f**king dad, KNOW and don’t protect you from your a**oholic mother. You’re damaging you kid is HUGE ways by staying with your wife, and not filing for 100% custody or at least only supervised with her.

Next time she drinks and drives you need to report her, and you need to take that all to court and file for custody. You need to keep her away from your kid.

Apart-Ad-6518 −  Absolutely NTA. She tells me I’m the AH for cancelling on her and ruining her day and making her look stupid in front of her work friends.”. She did that all by herself. It really sounds like you’ve done a lot of heavy lifting here, including keeping things as stable as possible for your son.

It’s reached ultimatum stage imo. Get legal advice. When you know the options if at all possible it’s time to have the “Shape up & get help or I’m leaving/going for residential custodial parent” conversation. I don’t suggest depriving a child of living with their mom lightly. But this will NOT get better unless she addresses this ruinous addiction.

harleybidness −  NTA. It appears that wife has become addicted to alcohol. You are correct that you can’t help her. At this juncture the child and your parental responsibilities become foremost. She will never do anything to change her behavior just because you want her to.

Proof is her willingness to endanger the child’s life so she can drink. What you choose to do is nobody’s business. But, perhaps you could think about disabling the car so that only you can drive it. There is a remote controlled battery switch that will isolate the battery and the car will not run.

The remote control would have to be on your person at all times and the second one has batteries removed. It works just like remote door locks. Is there anyone that could care for the child when you are at work?

Theskidiever −  ESH. Your wife for endangering your child and the rest of us, you for not doing everything humanly possible to prevent her from endangering your child and the rest of us. From someone that was wiped out by a drunk driver, get help or get fucked.

RalphWastoid319 −  NTA. I’m sorry, but it sounds like your wife is a pretty serious a**oholic. As you have already figured out, there is not a lot you can do unless she wants to help herself. And someone has to be there to take care of your child while she is drunk.

Instead of trying to change her, which you will not be able to do, look for help for yourself. Either look for some therapy or perhaps consider looking for an Al-Anon group to meet up with people in similar situations.

Is he justified, or should he have gone to support his wife despite the challenges? Share your thoughts below!