AITA for not going to Thanksgiving on my dad’s side of the family?

A Reddit user shared their dilemma about skipping Thanksgiving with their father’s side of the family due to a strained relationship with their dad and an ultimatum from their grandparents. Despite the decision being rooted in self-preservation, it caused tension with their brother and upset their mother. Should they have compromised to keep the peace, or were they right to stand by their boundaries? Read the full story below!

‘ AITA for not going to Thanksgiving on my dad’s side of the family?’

I (17F) and my sister (19F) both do not have a relationship with our dad. He was and still is extremely m**ipulative and narcissistic. It took both my sister and I a very long time to cut him off. He now no longer has legal custody of me. My brother (21) and my younger sister (10) still see him.

My sister and I deliberated for a long time on if we were going to attend Thanksgiving this year on my dad’s side of the family. My dad bad mouths us all the time to his family and even our sister, saying that we hate all of them and we cut him off to hurt him (we did it for our own mental health and wellbeing). So we decided we should go this year to be the bigger people. We textes our grandparents to let them know we were planning on attending, and they asked talk to us beforehand.

The conversation didn’t go well. They basically told us they were not willing to have a relationship with us outside of my dad, and if we weren’t willing to have a relationship with my dad and either call him or go to his house in person to talk to him, we were not welcome at Thanksgiving.

They also said that last Christmas, there was visible tension between my sister and I and my dad and that it hurt them. My sister and I both let our dad hug us on Christmas and when he asked how we were we responded. We were trying to keep the peace around the holidays but this was not the case for them I guess.

My sister and I were appalled at their stipulation of “no relationship with dad = no Thanksgiving,” so we decided that we both were not comfortable speaking to my dad and it would be best to not go this year. We knew there would be repercussions to this decision especially with my brother. We spoke to my younger sister about us not going and reminded her that we love her. She mentioned some things she overheard that sealed the deal for us but they’re not relevant.

Fast forward to today, my brother came to our house. and asked my sister what time we were planning on being there tomorrow. She told him that we were not going because we had a conversation with them etc etc. He stormed out of our house saying that he wasn’t going to be there on Saturday (my mom’s dinner with her side of the family).

My mom overheard this and she has been so upset and sad ever since. My brother often sides with my dad and believes that she’s the horrible one in this situation. She has always been loving, supportive, and kind. She tries to keep the peace as much as possible, even with my brother and my dad coming after her all the time.

I hate to see my mom upset. I’m starting to think I should have just sucked it up and talked to my dad and gone to keep the peace, but that really crosses my boundaries and even thinking about my dad makes me want to puke. But I feel terrible about what this has done to my mom and her relationship with my brother. AITA?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. The conversation didn’t go well. They basically told us they were not willing to have a relationship with us outside of my dad, and if we weren’t willing to have a relationship with my dad and either call him or go to his house in person to talk to him, we were not welcome at Thanksgiving.  Your dad’s family is being very short sighted. But I can see your dad’s problems come from his family!!!

Fast forward to today, my brother came to our house. and asked my sister what time we were planning on being there tomorrow. She told him that we were not going because we had a conversation with them etc etc. He stormed out of our house saying that he wasn’t going to be there on Saturday (my mom’s dinner with her side of the family). Your brother sounds a bad as your dad and his family. I really feel for your mom. Good luck OP.

CutieeeHannah −  NTA, you did what’s best for you and your sister. your mom’s upset ’cause it’s a tough situation, but it’s not on you. you’re setting boundaries, and that’s important.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 −  NTA. Op, you have to realize that even by giving into your brother , who’s been brainwashed by your dad, you’re letting your father win , because he wants to cause this strife and drama. It’s the reason he badmouths you and your sister to his parents and your siblings.

Op, all you and your sister can do is be there for your mom and be strong, remember you didn’t do this , all you did was put your mental health ahead of n**cissist ego. Everyday that you don’t buckle is another day that pisses him off, and makes those around him question his version of events.

KaoJin-Wo −  NTA. You don’t owe anyone your time and discomfort. It’s sad that people are all trying to manipulate you, but that says way more about them and you. You do what you need to do for you. Maybe in the future you can have a better relationship with your other siblings. Only time will tell. If your grandparents are so m**ipulative and hateful and conditional, sadly, you are probably better off without them around, too.

Family isn’t only about blood. It’s bout love and support and joy and liking each other. Hopefully you can build your own family, and perhaps have your siblings join it later. But for now, protect your wellbeing. Stay away. Have a good thanksgiving!

Individual_Ad_9213 −  NTA. Stand your ground on this argument. You are being manipulated (by your paternal grandparents and by your older brother) into “making peace” with someone who you have decided is toxic to you.
It’s not uncommon for children to split their loyalties between divorced parents.

Your older brother is going to have to realize that, in spite of that split, it’s his choice whether or not to have a good relationship with you and with your sister. As long as you and she keep things cordial with him, you’re on solid ground.

Beginning_Bit_6014 −  What a horrible situation. Your paternal grandparents are the biggest AH in this situation, instead of defusing the situation they just widen the breach between family members.. NTA.

Freckles-and-Curls −  NTA. Your dads entire side of the family should be cut off. All of the delightful grandmothers I know, put the grandkids ahead of their own children. Really look at your brothers actions. Why would he punish your mother for a choose you and your sister made. He’s going to be as bad as your dad one day, if he isn’t already.

Own_Bluebird5643 −  NTA. Your boundaries aren’t a holiday buffet for others to pick and choose from. If your dad’s side can’t respect your decisions, that’s on them. Protecting your mental health isn’t selfish—it’s survival, even if it ruffles some turkey feathers.

MiraToombs −  NTA – I wouldn’t want to go to a holiday (or anywhere) where I felt that much tension. As a child of divorce, and a divorced parent, I firmly believe it’s the parents’ jobs to make you feel welcomed even in the awkwardness that can sometimes come with divorce. Don’t let this guilt ruin your day. This situation is not on you. Just try to go on with grace and as much calmness has you can muster. Your job is to not placate the elders who made this situation uncomfortable.

LadyBAudacious −  Like father, like son. Have Thanksgiving with your mum and make it an enjoyable memory.