AITA For not going to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house, when she did not invite me?

A 48-year-old man feels like the black sheep of his family after being consistently left out of direct invitations to family events, including Thanksgiving. Instead of receiving a formal invite, his family often assumes his mother will pass the word along, which she doesn’t.

When no one reached out to invite him to this year’s Thanksgiving, he didn’t attend, leading to backlash from his family. Now, he wonders if he’s wrong for expecting a proper invitation. read the original story below…

‘ AITA For not going to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house, when she did not invite me?’

I am 48, M, have been with my fiancé 10 years. I have 4 kids, all over the age of 16, all but 1 are out of the house and either have their own places or are in college. Every year, every event rather, inevitably someone randomly will ask me the day before or the day of something like “are u coming to so and so’s house for …….” Thanksgiving this time.

I always have the same response of, I wasn’t invited. Everyone knows my mother has bad memory and the excuse always seems to me to be, we told mom to invite you. And my response is ALWAYS “Well CLEARLY SHE DIDNT” yet they continue to do the same for every Thanksgiving and Christmas, birthday or other.

(My mother said Happy Birthday to me on my fb feed, no one else even said anything that day except my fiance and my kids, no one in my family, we all live 10 minutes from each other. ) Its to the point I am branded the black sheep basically,

everyone thinks I am anti social and dont want to be anywhere with them, yet I never get made to actually feel like I am suppose to be there. AITA for thinking I deserve to be asked to come to things? Am I suppose to just know I am invited?

Even if that has NEVER been the way things are done in our family? 2 of my sisters are wedding and event planners so I feel like not inviting me and then saying we told mom is a passive aggressive way of not inviting me or excusing themselves of any guilt.

I’m to the point I just don’t even WANT to be invited anywhere! I am tired of being made to feel like I am the one avoiding people when its them that seem to be avoiding me. I am just upset. Long day. AITA for not going to something I wasnt invited to? Like if I was doing a christmas party,

I would invite people. I wouldnt just plan it and expect people to know they are invited right? I dont want to keep doing this if I am wrong and its me. AITA? I did not go and now everyone is mad at me and acts like its just normal for me. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

Trick_Photograph9758 −  NTA, but devil’s advocate, is it possible they just assume that you will be coming to these events? Like if you have 10 core family members and you always do Thanksgiving and Christmas together, could it just be assumed that it’s an open invitation,

without needing to formally invite all 10 people each time? Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side, but you could always call them ahead of the holiday and say, “What are the plans this year?” or something like that. Sometimes families assume that the same close relations are invited by default.

Bedivemade −  NTA, It sucks not to be invited to get-togethers, especially family events. Growing up, my nickname was “me too” because my dad would ask the whole family, “Who wants to get ice cream?””

and I’d always assume I wasn’t included in those asked, so I’d ask “Me too?” I’ve never really shook the feeling that I’m not included in an invitation to everyone. I’m wondering if you don’t have a bit of the same about you. I’m not anti-social, but I rarely will if ever invite myself or ask to be invited.

Talk with them, ask them if you are invited. They could be assuming an open invitation, and you are assuming you need an individual invitation for each family event. They were upset you weren’t there. They missed you.

anglflw −  You’re 48. Did it ever occur to ask your family what the plan is for a holiday/event? Especially since this seems to be how they are.

Little_Loki918 −  I don’t understand how this continues to be a problem…why haven’t YOU started a text chain with your siblings/family by this point? Why not text your sisters tonight, “i did not attend Thanksgiving at Sister’s house because I did NOT know that we were getting together at Sister’s house.

I have told you multiple times, and you are all aware, that telling Mom does not mean that you have told me. Mom never remembers to tell me, and you are both aware of this as this is a longstanding issue.

At this point, given that you all have my cell and texts and calls are free, i feel like the failure to invite me (other than thru Mom) is intentional because you don’t actually want me there.” But, I am confused why YOU aren’t checking in with YOUR family.

It’s not like Thanksgiving doesn’t happen every year, or Christmas, or your Mom’s birthday etc., so why aren’t you texting and asking “what are the plans for Thanksgiving, and what can I bring?” OR offer to host. I’ve got a large family and we all live within 30 minutes of each other,

and in addition to having standing Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Mother’s Day, we TALK/TEXT each other for all the other holidays to discuss whose hosting, when to get their, and what to bring.

So I personally find YOUR lack of communication odd. Do you WANT to spend time with your family because your lack of effort leads me to think that you don’t like them.

LBuggle −  NTA or maybe ESH. More info is needed because something is also off here. Do you talk to any of these people regularly? If so, how does holiday plans not organically come up in the conversation? Communication is a two way street.

If you never reach out to them and rely on them to call you or initiate contact every time, they likely do perceive you as not investing in the relationships so they don’t either.

If you’re speaking to them all regularly and it’s never mentioned that’s probably a different story. You could also ask about holiday plans, especially for major holidays, as well if you’re interested in attending them.

nowaynohowanyway −  Mate, there’s something you’ve not told here. You have your generation family and your mother and you are repeatedly not being invited to family events that everyone else is attending. Apparently there is a reason and I’m fairly sure you know what it is but aren’t adding that.

Then we add in a fiancée of 10 years (but no marriage- really? You either want to marry this woman or you don’t) 4 adult kids who live somewhere else and also don’t appear to be inviting you to join them for the holiday. But also- you don’t appear to be inviting any of them to a meal.

Hosted at your home. So, I am going with the assumption that something has happened where you aren’t really welcome by the rest of your sibling level family or your kids and that’s really more important than getting offended by no invitation

Rude_Veterinarian639 −  I’m not sure there’s any assholes here. I do think there’s a bit of a miscommunication and maybe even a gender gap of knowledge.
I cannot ever recall anyone actually inviting me to mother’s house or even my sisters houses.

Like a formal invite. Sometimes I’ll get a message that says something like hey – i forgot the butter. bring it when you come. I assume I’m welcome, they assume I’m coming. Both facts are true. If someone needs some clarification, help or a ride – it’s on that person to reach out.

We’re all grown women, in our 40s and 50s. But – my brother? Oblivious. Won’t show up unless formally invited, via phone call or message, that specifies the date, time and meal. My uncle? The same. Needs express and clear instructions. Both get offended when they are not expressly summoned.

I’m talking like – we’re going to be at so and so’s to celebrate so and so’s birthday. dinner is roast beef. dinner will be served at 6, arrive by 5., but no earlier than 4. don’t bring a gift. park on the street. coffee, tea, juice and pop is available but bring anything you specifically want to drink.

red wine will be served with dinner. and then repeat that ad nauseaum for the last 30 years. sorry – i think i got carried away but it bugs me that we’ve been doing this for decades lol

DrTeethPhD −  ESH Every year, every event rather, inevitably someone randomly will ask me the day before or the day of something like “are u coming to so and so’s house for …….” Have *you* considered reaching out in the months and weeks before a holiday to inquire about plans?

Like if I was doing a christmas party, I would invite people. Have you ever hosted? Have you ever *offered* to host? It sounds like all the siblings s**k at communicating, but want to blame their mother.

curiousity60 −  YTA Why aren’t YOU communicating with your siblings about upcoming holidays and other events? Where is your effort to maintain communication and your own independent relationships with them? How are these holiday plans sneaking up on you time after time?

Why do you, and they, rely on your mom to manage your social calendar with other adults in your family? Do you just show up to family parties? Don’t you talk to your siblings to ask who’s hosting, what time, and how you can contribute?

If you’re salty about never being directly invited, that suggests you aren’t reciprocating any effort to contribute to family events.

Waste_Worker6122 −  Tricky. In some families close family members have basically a “standing invitation” to join in any family event. That said, I think your position is reasonable – you think its important to only attend if you receive an invitation ,

and it isn’t asking much for your Mother (or whomever) to simply say, “OP you are invited….”. They know this, you don’t receive an invitation, and you don’t attend. NTA.

Is it reasonable to expect direct invitations to family events, or should someone assume they’re welcome without being explicitly invited? What would you do in his situation? Share your thoughts below!