AITA for not giving my stepdad the same grace I give my stepmom?

A 16-year-old (16F) has a strained relationship with her stepdad, Greg (40M), and a positive one with her stepmom, Cassie (29F). Greg has been in her life for four years and often criticizes her, while Cassie has been around for two years and treats her with kindness and respect.

After a difficult Christmas with Greg, where he mocked her and made passive-aggressive comments, the teen found solace at her dad’s house, where Cassie gave her a thoughtful, personal gift. Her mom is now guilt-tripping her for not giving Greg the same grace she gives Cassie, and she’s wondering if she’s in the wrong for not respecting Greg. Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITA for not giving my stepdad the same grace I give my stepmom?’

I (16F) have a stepdad, Greg (40M), and a stepmom, Cassie (29F). My parents split up when I was 10, and they both remarried not long after. Greg’s been in my life for about four years, and Cassie’s been around for two. The thing is, I *cannot stand* Greg, but I genuinely like Cassie—even though I feel like I’m not supposed to because of how “stereotypical” her situation looks.

First, Greg. He’s *always* acting like he’s my dad when he’s not. He criticizes everything I do. He mocks my grades (which are As and Bs), my clothes, my music, what I watch on Netflix, even how I talk. He’s the kind of guy who lectures about “life lessons” constantly, even though I didn’t ask. He tries to act like he’s “in charge” of me, but it just comes off as condescending and annoying.

My mom keeps saying I need to “give him a chance,” but I feel like I’ve been giving him chances for four years, and he’s done nothing to earn my respect. Now, Cassie. She’s younger than my dad (he’s 47), and yeah, I thought it was super weird when they got married. Like, I assumed she’d be some vapid trophy wife type who only cared about Instagram and shopping or whatever.

But honestly, she’s the exact opposite. She’s just *genuinely* nice—not in that fake, syrupy way, but like she actually cares about people. She’s also ridiculously smart. Both she and my dad are professors at the same university—he teaches pre-med classes, and she teaches something artsy.

I don’t really know what, but it has to do with essays because she’s always grading papers and writing these crazy-long comments on them. My dad always says she has “a mind like a steel trap” because her memory is insane. She’ll casually remember something I mentioned once weeks ago, like how I couldn’t figure out how to explain a concept in an essay, and then she’ll sit down and help me without making me feel dumb.

Anyway, things came to a head this Christmas. My parents have 50/50 custody, so I split my time between their houses. This year, I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at my mom’s house with Greg. As usual, Greg couldn’t just let us have a nice holiday—he kept “joking” about how I’m too old for presents and need to “start focusing on the real world.”

He even made a comment about how “Santa doesn’t come for people who don’t pull their weight,” which felt like a dig at my part-time job not being good enough for him. I ended up snapping and saying, “Maybe Santa skips people who act like assholes, too,” which didn’t go over well. When I got to my dad and Cassie’s house that afternoon, it was a completely different vibe.

Cassie had made cookies, which were warm when I got there, and she gave me a gift that was SO thoughtful a few journals with prompts and a fancy fountain pen set because I’d mentioned wanting to start journaling. She didn’t even make it about her, like, “Look at what *I* got you!” It was just about me, which was really nice after Greg’s passive-aggressive lecture marathon that morning.

Later that evening, my mom called to check in, and I guess she could tell I was happier than I’d been at her place. When I told her what Cassie got me, she got all defensive and said, “Well, Greg put a lot of effort into making Christmas special, too, you know.” I know he didn’t because I know mom did all the work for Christmas Eve dinner and bought all of the gifts.

Then she went off about how I need to start respecting Greg more and how it’s hypocritical of me to love Cassie when Greg “puts up with more” by dealing with my teenage attitude. The thing is, it’s not about effort—it’s about how they make me feel. Cassie makes me feel like I matter, like I’m not just some annoying kid she’s stuck with because of my dad.

Greg, on the other hand, constantly makes me feel like I’m failing at being the perfect daughter. My mom’s guilt-tripping me hard now, saying I’m being unfair and immature for not “appreciating” Greg. But I feel like it’s *not* my fault that Cassie is genuinely nice while Greg is condescending and exhausting. So, AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

RJack151 −  NTA. Tell mom that Greg comes down on you at every opportunity over everything. He is not your father and needs to stop acting like it. He is a negative person to be around and you can tell that he does not want you there. So now that you are 16, you will decide whom you stay with. And you choose dad.

bino0526 −  Tell your dad and let him handle Greg.

Big-Tomorrow2187 −  NTA… tell your mom Greg doesn’t deserve to be treated the way that Cassie does because he’s an a**hole who only puts you down and doesn’t ever try to build you up. My stepdad is the same way.

I told him “feelings matter to a teenage girl if you cant understand that and keep your mouth shut then you need to remove yourself from my life.” he hasn’t made a negative comment about my life since. Been eight years.

AceHarleyQ −  Show your dad this post. If you dont want him to see reddit, write the same post out and give it to him.. Let him show it to your mom.

Stormlight420 −  NTA. Those feelings you have about both of them are real and there for a reason.

hecknono −  you should consider talking to a therapist about all of this. I feel that if you took a break from living with your mother and stayed with your father full time, your relationship with your mother would improve. You could meet with her at your father’s house or at a restaurant. Without Greg creating constant drama and conflict your relationship with your mother will improve.

ChuckieLow −  First, tell your dad everything. You don’t have to suffer this a**hole on your own. Two, document. The next time Greg opens his mouth, write down. I’d say, “ask your mom wtf he did for Christmas.” But she’s so delulu about this guy, don’t show your hand.

Cali_Holly −  NTA. “The Pen is mightier than the sword.” I suggested wielding your pen mightily onto that Journal you just received and write down everything that Greg has said to you. Go back as far as you can remember. Although, it might be easier to start with present day and write it in reverse. Once you have written all that you remember, start writing an essay/story about your life and this situation.

You can write like it’s a fictional story but include all the details.. For example; “Once upon a time there was a child whose parents split up and divorced. This was tough on the child because she now had to spend her time between two houses. She loved her mom and dad. BUT, she didn’t understand why they didn’t love each other anymore.

A few years later……..Mom meets and marries Greg. I tried to like him but he says mean things about my clothes, the shows and movies I like to watch on Netflix & my school grades. Which are A’s and B’s. I don’t understand why he feels like that his IS my actual Dad when he is only a stepfather. My real dad doesn’t criticize my grades.

And my Dad IS a Professor at a College. I don’t understand why Greg is SO condescending to me. And my mom keeps telling me to give him a chance but it’s been 4 years. And he STILL speaks to me like he does. My Dad got remarried too. She is a bit younger than my Dad. I thought she wouldn’t be much nicer than Greg.

But I was wrong. Cassie is actually nice. Like, nice in the real kind of way. Not like she’s trying so hard to get me to like her and treat her like she’s my friend. I’m really much happier at my Dads and Cassie doesn’t pick at me over the things that Greg does.” So, that’s just an example.

It may help you to sort through your thoughts and allow you to articulate exactly how you feel when Greg treats you the way he does. And you can show your dad and ask him to help you talk to your mom. You’re not asking him to intervene because it will only upset your mom. But you definitely need some adult guidance.

And my biggest suggestion is to get some time away with your mom out of the house. Tell your mom that you love her and that you are not angry that she got remarried. And that she needs to set her personal feelings aside and let you tell her how you feel or read it. Ask her whose feelings are more important. Her child’s feelings or the man she married? And why does it have to be a choice?

It’s a bit of a double standard isn’t it? Greg says that I need to no longer receive Christmas presents so I can understand the real world. He says I’m too old to enjoy Christmas. But if I disagree that his feelings are hurt and you, mom, tell me I need to give him some grace. So what I’m understanding is Greg‘s feelings matter more than mine even though he’s the one picking at a minor child.

You have every right to have a voice and an opinion on how you are treated by others. It is not fair that your own mother is telling you to be silent for the sake of her husband. Your mother should not be choosing her husband over her daughter. I raised my daughter as a single mom. I never put any man over my daughter.

Temporary_Alfalfa686 −  Nta.  Boy your mom’s logic…sucks. Maybe see if you can be at your dad’s more. Cassie honestly strikes me as a kick in the pants. Kinda like Rene Russo in yours, mine, ours.

Allyka88 −  I read your replies, I cannot help but think that you need to ask your dad to go back to court, and ask the court to allow you to decide who you primarily stay with, then choose dad. Your mom saying that Greg “puts up with more of your teenage attitude”, yet there is a 50/50 custody split? No, that means that Cassie gets just as much “teenage attitude” as Greg does.

She just actually cares about you, whereas Greg does not. Then ask your mom to meet at a coffee shop or something, without Greg. Once there calmly tell her that this way Greg does not have to put up with as much teenage attitude and maybe he will stop constantly putting you down.

Keep calm during this conversation, but something that may work would be asking her when the last time he said something nice to you, without any criticism, was. If he does constantly criticize you, that may make her realize how crappy he is making your home. It might not change, but this way you will be out of thst environment as often as you want to be.

You might not notice it right now, but constantly being put down like that affects your self esteem and self worth. Being away from it more will be so much better for you. You can keep in touch with your mom easily, you can call her every night, you can send her texts or messages on social media, whatever works. Easy enough to keep her in the loop of your life with a little effort on your part, and her part.

Is this teen being unfair to Greg, or is she justified in her feelings toward him and Cassie? While effort in relationships can’t always be measured, it’s clear that how someone makes you feel plays a big role. Do you think her mom’s expectation of respect for Greg is reasonable, or is this a case of her prioritizing genuine kindness over forced effort? Share your thoughts below!