AITA for not giving my mom her monthly money so I could have extra spending money on my vacation?
A 26-year-old woman has been financially supporting her retired mother monthly, as her mom insists it’s her responsibility as a daughter. However, when planning a vacation with her fiancé, she decided to skip this month’s contribution to have more spending money.
Her mother is upset, treating her coldly, and her sister—who contributes more despite having a baby—adds to her guilt. The woman wonders if prioritizing herself for once makes her selfish. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for not giving my mom her monthly money so I could have extra spending money on my vacation?’
For context, I (26F) give my mom a set amount of money every month. She’s retired and gets a pension, but she says it’s not enough to cover her expenses. She insists that it’s my *responsibility as her daughter* to help her out financially.
My sister and her husband give my mom more money than I do, and they have a baby, which makes me feel even guiltier. They often remind me that they manage to give more, even with their extra responsibilities.
This month, I decided not to give my mom her usual amount because I planned a 10-day vacation with my fiancé to another city. I *could* have still gone on the trip while giving her the money, but I wanted to have more spending money to fully enjoy my time away.
Now my mom is upset, and her attitude toward me has shifted. This isn’t the first time she’s been cold or distant when I couldn’t (or didn’t) give her money. Even though I know I could technically afford both, I feel guilty for choosing to prioritize myself and my vacation instead.
So, Reddit, AITA for skipping my monthly contribution to my mom so I could have more financial freedom on my trip?
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
TheBewitchingWitch − NTA you are being used and guilted to take care of your Mother, not only by your Mother, but your sister and her husband as well. I’m curious as to how much her pension is??? My income is my income and that is what I live on. While helping her out sometimes is nice, doing it monthly seems excessive.
Few-Product-9937 − NTA children are under no obligation to pay their parents bills, maybe help them when you can but make sure you’re taking care of your own finances first (savings….). Given that you’re 26 I’m guessing your mother has years to go before she’s considered elderly.
Why isn’t your mom asking her children for money anyway? Is she permanently disabled? You get to enjoy yourself, it’s your money not hers. As for sister since she’s a 2 income household they’re able to give more than you. But again why is your mom expecting either of you to support her?
FirefliesInTheLeaves − NTA. She’s a n**cissist, and you have been born and bred her victim. The guilt you feel is manufactured, and her shaming and guilt-trips are purposeful manipulation. It is not your responsibility as a child to take care of your parent; rather, it is the opposite.
You do not owe your parents anything. Especially with the situation seeming like she is lying. There is no way she is unable to cover her basic payments. She must be overspending and making you purchase all her luxuries. Check out r / raisedbynarcississts.
EDIT: Her pension is 1400 USD in Columbia, which is like 7000 USD in America. And she is taking payments from your brother?! Absolute l**r. She doesn’t need s**t. Cease paying her anything now or forever be a fool.
Salty-Initiative-242 − Info: Did you give your mom notice that you wouldn’t be giving her money this month? In general, I disagree that it’s your responsibility to support her, and she sucks for “punishing” you by being cold and distant, but if you have this tacit agreement and pulled the rug out from under her you may have put her in a very bad spot financially with no notice.
tomazita − I have questions. Does your mom’s pension, sister’s allowance, and your part cover her expenses? Would she have enough without your contribution? Did you mention to her that you wouldn’t cover your monthly allowance (which I believe she was counting on it) or just didn’t send it and said nothing.
Barefoot-Banana322 − NTA. I don’t know what the general consensus will be but I could also be bias because I don’t think you should be obligated to pay for your parents. You’re giving money every month, you should be allowed to skip once so you can enjoy a vacation.
I understand kids are expensive but they made the decision to have the child. They are also two people so I’m assuming potentially dual income? What happens if you have kids? Or your sister has two more children and cannot afford to send your mom more money.. is she going to rely on you both until she dies?
Ready-Cucumber-8922 − Soft ESH. I appreciate there are cultural differences in familial obligations and you’re getting a largely US culture response where parents are obligated to help children (some would say til 18 only) , not the other way around, you didn’t choose to be born etc.
From what’s been said about her pension and COL, it does sound like she’s taking advantage of you and her behavior to you for not giving the money is far from maternal, that being said, you say you only gave her a few days notice that you would not be sending her any money that month.
That was really s**tty of you. If she’s living beyond her means, that’s not going to change over a couple of days, you did not give her enough time to deal with the loss of income. It’s clear now that a relationship with your mother comes at a price. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth the cost.
East_Parking8340 − You are not obliged to give your mother any money, period. The fact that she uses emotional b**ckmail on you shows her manipulation and how far she will go to get whatever she wants. She seems to have trained you and your sibling into believing that she deserves to be supported.
She doesn’t. It isn’t your responsibility. I would strongly encourage you to cut her off financially and seriously encourage your sister to do the same.. NTA
simulation07 − NTA. Your family is emotionally blackmailing you. None of this is normal/expected behavior. *behaving* differently because someone didn’t get what *they wanted* is similar to a temper tantrum that a 5yr old would do when they didn’t get a toy they wanted.
Take all that future money you would normally give her, and give it to a therapist instead. You’ve been brainwashed. Please get some self confidence.
Usrname52 − ESH You aren’t obligated to give your mom any money. Neither is your sister. You’re both young and starting life….you about to get married, and her with a baby. And, as a parent, her job is to support, not hinder that.
Especially if the amount of money you give her is enough to make a difference in enjoying vacation….this seems to be instead of your discretionary budget. Don’t compare yourself to your sister in terms of absolute numbers…presumably she makes more? (Or succumbs to guilt way more?)
My brother could easily afford to give away my entire monthly salary, like I could afford to drop a penny. Stop giving in to the guilt (I know it’s hard)….it is absolutely not “your responsibility as a daughter”. Cut her off. With warning. But that’s the thing…with warning.
There is no reason you have to give her this money…but if you’ve been doing it, and her bills are based on it, then one month can have a huge snowballing effect. Even if there’s no benefit to you, it’s basically an implied contract.
You need to tell her you are going to stop, and she’s going need to pare down/figure out her expenses. Cut anything she can, get on public assistance, etc.
Also, make sure you’re on the same page with your fiance.
Does he know how much you give to your mom? Is he okay with that continuing after marriage? Do you plan on kids? If you’re getting married, this needs to be discussed with finances.
Is it fair for adult children to feel obligated to support their parents financially, even at the cost of their own needs or desires? Or does taking a break for personal enjoyment justify a temporary pause in contributions? Share your thoughts below!