AITA for not giving my brother and his wife the gift I got them since she didn’t want me at his birthday party?
A 39-year-old man, who lives a nomadic lifestyle by choice, planned an extravagant gift for his brother’s 30th birthday—a paid trip to Disney World for the brother’s family and parents. However, the brother’s wife dislikes his lifestyle, viewing him as a bad influence.
She ensured he wasn’t invited to the birthday party, which led him to cancel the Disney trip and instead take their parents on a golf vacation. He gave his brother a $100 gift card instead. Now, the sister-in-law is upset, accusing him of being petty for canceling the trip. He told her that if she didn’t want him around, she shouldn’t expect his money, either.
‘ AITA for not giving my brother and his wife the gift I got them since she didn’t want me at his birthday party?’
I M39 travel for work and make good money. I have never been interested in settling down or having a family. I mostly work and take vacations. I don’t own an apartment much less a house. I live out of a backpack and a duffel bag. My brother Victor 30 is the opposite. All he ever ever wanted since he was a kid was to have a perfect family.
Our dad did the same kind of work that I do and Victor hated it. He was always closer to our mom than our dad. He married the first girl he dated after college and they already have two kids. They are happy. And I love my brother and my nephews.
I spend a bunch of my extra money on them because I have more than I need and I want them to have a great life. My brother chose to be a teacher so he could spend more time with his wife and kids. I respect that but he isn’t well paid. His 30th birthday was coming up and I decided to do something nice for his family.
I checked with him when he and his wife had a free week this summer and I got them a week away at Disney World. I also paid for my folks to go along so they could watch the kids and give him and his wife some alone time. His wife thinks I’m a scumbag because I refuse to get a girlfriend or have a serious relationship.
I don’t want that. I like meeting a woman at a resort or on a tour. Spending a week together and then saying goodbye. It works for me. They don’t want anything more from me than I am willing to give. Because she thinks I’m a degenerate, womanizing, a**oholic, dirtbag she doesn’t want me around her husband or children.
So she made sure I knew I wasn’t invited to his birthday party at their house. I am seriously tired of her b**lshit so I cancelled everything. I took my mom and dad on a golf vacation instead. I sent my brother a card with $100 gift card to a restaurant he likes.
My sister-in-law found out from my parents what his original gift was going to be and has been contacting me saying that I’m being a d**k taking away an experience like that from her family over a party invitation.
I told her that she was the one who decided I wasn’t good enough to be around her family so my dirty money wasn’t going to be around her either. I told her not to bother me any more. My folks are staying out of it and my brother is as well. He knows I don’t owe him s**t and that I just like to blow money on stupid gifts.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Pair_of_Pearls − NTA but sis-in-law definitely is. If she doesn’t want you because of your lifestyle then she doesn’t want your money (which funds your lifestyle) to taint her perfection. It’s good that fam is staying out of it but you may have to decide how much you’re willing to tolerate long term to keep a relationship with your brother.
prestigioustoad − NTA, hope you got your money back from the Disney trip
IntrovertedBookMan − NTA. I feel sorry for your brother, but his wife created this issue, not you.
[Reddit User] − NTA. She has no right to comment on how you choose to live your life. Its YOURS to live. She has no right to keep you away from your brother and nephews either. She is TA. She doesn’t want you around but wants you to spend on them?
You are not the one robbing her of experiences, she is the one robbing you of your brother and nephews. And you took your parents? I love it sm. Dude any person would be lucky to have you in their lives.
embopbopbopdoowop − NTA . She blew it, she knows she blew it, and she wants to blame you instead of herself. You didn’t hang it over her head. You didn’t even tell her. You planned a present, then backtracked when you weren’t even invited to the relevant event, and she found out from someone else.
100% in the clear. If you’re generally close with your brother, then he is also an AH if he was aware she didn’t invite you to the party and went along with it.
Time-Tie-231 − That was not a stupid gift. It was a magnanimous, kind and thoughtful gift.. NTA . It is understandable that you are hurt to be excluded from your brother’s birthday celebration. Your SIL sounds like a n**ty piece of work. So judgemental! Your brother is an AH for tolerating her horrible behaviour.
EDIT – hang on – why DOES your brother tolerate her decision on your attendance at his birthday?
FliptrickBento − Feels like a solid NTA. SIL clearly doesn’t want you around, but wants your money after she learnt what it would have been going towards.
bentscissors − Don’t bite the hand that feeds you free child-care-included Disney vacations. SIL FAFO *hard*. NTA, even your brother knows it.
ku_78 − She sees you as a threat. Marriage and parenting is hard. On the table of your brother’s life, she’s the vegetable and you’re the brownie with ice cream.
Gladtobealive2020 − NTA. SIL f.cked around and found out that there are consequences to her actions.
Is it fair for the brother to cancel the gift after being excluded from the party? Or is the sister-in-law out of line for expecting generosity from someone she disrespects? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!