AITA for not giving my brother and his wife any privacy?

A Reddit user (28M) is hosting his brother (28M) and his wife (30F) in his 1-bedroom apartment after they lost their job and savings. What initially seemed like a temporary arrangement has led to conflict as the brother and his wife demand more privacy, even setting a “timetable” for when the user can use the living room.

Tensions escalated when the brother ordered a lock for the living room door, which the user refuses to allow. Now, the user is questioning whether he’s in the wrong for not giving his brother and his wife more space. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not giving my brother and his wife any privacy?’

My brother lost his job along with all his savings several months ago, and soon after he asked me if it would be okay if he (28M) and his wife (30F) stayed with me until they could afford their own place again. I hesitated at first, considering I only have a 1 bedroom apartment, but according to them they had ‘no other options’ so of course I invited them over and bought a blow-up mattress for the living room.

For the first month things were manageable, although admittedly cramped. Then my brother told me that sleeping on the mattress was giving him back pains, so he asked if he could buy a small double bed for the living room.

The living room is by far the biggest room I have, so I told him that would be fine as long as there was still room for my couch/TV/bookshelves. The living room is also connected to my kitchen in an open plan style, so I reminded my brother to leave walking space around the bed.

It’s now been 2+ months and things have gotten a lot worse. When they first moved in, I would still use the living room every day to unwind on the couch after work. Now whenever I go in, there’s a strange vibe like I’m intruding. My brother and his wife are often sitting in bed together when I go in (I always knock) and stare at me pointedly until I leave.

Sometimes when I sit down they will directly ask me for some ‘alone time’ and say they would like the room to themselves. This came to a head yesterday when my sister in-law messaged me with a ‘timetable’ she’d made of when it would be ‘a good time’ for me to use the living room. The timetable basically says that they will allow me into the room for an hour each evening, plus 20 minutes around mealtimes.

I basically shut her down instantly and told her there was no WAY I’d be following the timetable since in the end it’s my apartment. She sent me back a HUGE message with a dozen paragraphs about how my constant presence was ‘ruining’ her marriage with my brother and they feel like they have no privacy.

I tried to talk this over with my brother that night, but when I got home neither my brother/SIL were talking to me, so he’s clearly just as pissed. Today an Amazon parcel arrived for my brother with a lock for the living room door, which I told him there’s ‘absolutely no way’ I will allow him to install.

My brother says I’m ‘creepy’ for wanting constant access to where they sleep and he’s insisting on installing the lock anyway. AITA for not giving my brother and his wife their privacy?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

shaka0903 −  NTA. I would totally give them two weeks to vacate if they are going to be like this. It’s too much.

Edit: THANK YOU for the awards. They are my first ever on reddit. A few points people have mentioned: OP, look into your state’s tenant/landlord laws. If they have been with you x amount of days/months, they may have legal rights depending on if you own or rent your place.

You may be required to give them notice for a certain period of time. In my home state, it is 7 days. Disclaimer: I am not giving legal advice as I am not a lawyer. I would def hit up the legal advice subreddit though. Some of those folks maybe able to give you more specific advice.

pluralexistence −  NTA. That’s really a lot they’re asking for. This is a temporary arrangement and favor. Imho it’s up to them to be good guests. If I were them I’d get out of bed at a reasonable time that you don’t feel uncomfortable getting to your living room and kitchen.

I’d hold all cuddly in bed stuff during the day and evening so you can access your space. At most I may read in bed as you watch TV, but fully clothed and on top of the bed. So on and so forth.

In my mind being a good longer term guest means leaving your host to not feel intruded upon. They seem to have flipped the script imho If you were there until 4 AM daily etc. I’d get it, but if you’re reasonable and they can sleep – well that’s all you offered them was a place to sleep.

Jaded_Cryptographer −  NTA. They are staying *rent free* in your *one bedroom* apartment (possibly in violation of your lease, btw), and they want you to spend all but an hour a day locked away in your bedroom? I don’t think so. That’s an absurd level of entitlement.

If they asked for a couple of hours here and there where they could have some guaranteed alone time, I think that would be a reasonable request that you could respect. But essentially all day every day is crazy. It sucks that this is hard on their marriage, but that’s not your fault. You’re being generous by letting them stay in the first place.

porn4302 −  Lol just kick them out

JackBauer74 −  r/choosingbeggars. They don’t get to dictate when you use your living room in your apartment and if they have a problem with you being in there then kick them out.

EvanWasHere −  NTA. You should never never have let them get a bed. I had a colleague lose his job and his apartment. I was a 20 year old kid and he was 50 so I felt bad for him and said yes when he asked if he could stay on my couch for a week or two.

One day I came home from work and he had dragged a mattress into my living room (I don’t even know where he found it). He said his back was killing him. I woke up and realized I was about to have an unwanted roommate and threw out the mattress and told him he had a week to find a new place.

Tell them you did them a favor and they walked all over you. In the end, this is YOUR apartment. It’s a 1 bedroom apartment and it will stay a 1 bedroom apartment. You are out of the apartment for 12 hours a day. They can manipulate their private time while you are out. NOT when you come home from a long day of work that pays for the apartment. You get to enjoy YOUR living room.

If they need privacy so much, they can get their own place. Tell them they have two weeks to get their own place. In the meantime, move the tv and your stuff to your bedroom. They don’t get to sit at home and watch TV. They need to look for a new place. Do not let them install a lock. Remove it if they do. Call the police if they try and stop you. They are not allowed to change your apartment.

OneTwoWee000 −  NTA. stare at me pointedly until I leave. Sometimes when I sit down they will directly ask me for some ‘alone time’ and say they would like the room to themselves.. Nope, nope, NOPE!

Tell these choosing beggars, who you saved from homelessness, that it’s time for them to go. They need to make other living arrangements which suit them better. You have a small 1 br apartment and did your best to accommodate them but it’s not working out. These cheepskates need to get a studio or move in with parents. F**k that noise.

Deferon-VS −  INFO: are they even paying rent?. Utilities?. Groçeries?

Baator −  YTA. You should find a new house to move in and leave that one to them. They will have their much needed privacy, you’ll save their marriage (since it’s your job to do that) and help them even more in their time of need.

I mean you’ve pretty much done everything else, you’ve given them the biggest part of your house and you’re discussing if you’re the a**hole for going into your own kitchen, why not go all the way?

Keep paying the rent for the house they now live in and perhaps after a year or two, try asking them if things have improved and you can now return to your home. Emphasis on “gently”, we don’t want to make them uncomfortable. I’d also apologize for being “creepy”, I mean that’s some nerve you got right there, moving around your own place as you like.

—lizzy— −  NTA. You have been more than accommodating to their needs and wishes. And it’s time to have a big talk about them moving out ASAP, especially if this entitled behaviour continues.

Do you think the Reddit user should give his brother and his wife more privacy, or is the couple being unreasonable in trying to take over the living room? Share your thoughts below!