AITA for not getting my ex’s affair child a Christmas gift?

A Redditor is questioning if they were in the wrong for not buying their ex’s affair child a Christmas gift. After their divorce, the Redditor has primary custody of their three children, while their ex has full custody of his daughter with another woman, a child he fathered during their marriage.

Despite knowing their ex can’t afford much and the child’s mother isn’t involved, the Redditor doesn’t have a relationship with the girl and doesn’t feel compelled to give her a gift. Their ex is upset, calling them selfish and cruel, and asking why they can’t help his daughter have a better Christmas. To read the full story, continue below…

‘ AITA for not getting my ex’s affair child a Christmas gift?’

My ex cheated on me and fathered a child with another woman. That child is now 4f. He has full custody of her and is going for child support but the mom isn’t paying. I have primary custody of our three children (11m, 9f, 9m). He gets our kids every other weekend. I have only seen this child 5 times and I don’t have a relationship of any kind with her. I never interacted with her and while I know she’s innocent of what my ex did, I prefer to keep us distant.

My kids don’t think of her as a sister. I never tried to change that. For me them being close to her is not something I care about. If they are then they are and I’d have to deal. But if not then I don’t feel the need to encourage or promote it. My ex knows this. And he knows our kids don’t care for his daughter.

They don’t have the best relationship with him either. He’s not absent exactly but he’s been all over the place since the divorce and he works a lot of long hours and lives almost two hours from us which is partly why he’s not a 50-50 dad.

My ex lost his job in January of this year. He notified the courts and his child support payment was reduced for our kids while he’s not earning as much. The change in job and pay has meant he struggled far more and the kids have noticed the difference in quality of life when they’re with him. He also warned them months ago that they would get a small Christmas gift each from him because he cannot afford more.

This leads onto his daughter. His parents died some years before our kids were born, his sister doesn’t talk to him, his brother stopped talking to him after the affair and the child’s mother’s family is not involved in her life either. So it’s just him for her and he can’t afford to get her much. He mentioned this in our co-parenting app and when we went to meet with our twins’ teacher he asked if I would get her something or somethings so she can have some presents to open for Christmas. I told him no.

He didn’t ask me again until yesterday. He had the kids at the weekend and dropped them off at my house afterward. He saw the gifts under the tree and he was angry at me. He asked if I got his daughter anything and I said no. He asked me what our kids got and I wouldn’t tell him. I reminded him it was none of his business what I buy. Then he took out this dollar store doll and he told me that was all he could f**king afford for his daughter and she’s just four years old.

He told me he knows he fucked up but she didn’t and he told me I could have helped, just a little, or could have helped the kids get close to her and maybe they would have wanted to give her something.

He said instead I was just a cruel and selfish b**ch to an innocent child and he said she only knows being abandoned by her mom and her mom’s family, she’s unwanted by her own siblings and her siblings mom can’t even be compassionate enough to get her one more thing so she doesn’t just get one tiny doll for Christmas.

He also put it on me that if he got our kids nothing because he knew I’d get them something, and spent that money on his daughter instead, that it would make them pull away from him more. He left angry and I went back inside and carried on as normal. I know I’m not a saint for this and I don’t pretend to be. But AITA for not getting the child something for Christmas when I know my ex can’t afford anything else?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

kukonimz −  The only selfish b**ch here is your ex. The audacity to get mad at you is just beyond. NTA. Tell him next time he wants to curse at you for not doing his job for him, to do so on the parenting app so you’ll have it documented. The biggest plus of being divorced is that you don’t have to subject yourself to his cruelly and selfishness.

Tikithecockateil −  The c**ater could have found even a temporary job if he needed money for gifts. To pin his kids lack of gifts on you is childish and petty. Nta.

gumballbubbles −  I wouldn’t get her anything. It’s not your responsibility. Your ex can contact Toys for Tots or another nonprofit and ask for something or go on Marketplace or shop at thrift stores. He should have thought of the consequences when he dipped his stick elsewhere. Did he get his 3 other kids anything? No. He should make any effort. He’s not entitled.

Technical-Habit-5114 −  NTA. He is the one who destroyed his family because HE couldn’t keep it in his pants. He created this situation. The child is innocent in this. But she is 4 years old. She doesn’t really have a concept of NOT receiving. He got her something. She will be happy with it. When my daughter was 4, I was a single Mom. Christmas, for several years, was hand me down toys. Goodwill and thrift shop items. He just wants a bail out. He created this. He needs to fix this.

Con4America −  NTA. He FAFO literally. Tell him his actions of not being able to keep his d**k in his pants caused this and nothing else. She is HIS responsibility not yours. You are not being cruel to her. She doesn’t know you.

Many-Pirate2712 −  Tell him to look online, people give away lots of old toys this time of year. Nta. Edit: one text of hey just wanted to let you know to look online for free toys. Not my responsibility to get her stuff but wanted to let you know people give out free stuff online around this time of year wouldn’t hurt op to send.

Edit #2: Everyone is so focused on him cheating and that he deserves all of this for cheating but he lost his family and his blood family, hes raising his daughter as a single father with no help from the mom and no one else cares about his daughter, he lost his job and is struggling but everyone just wants to say “well hes a c**ater” okay and?

Imagine if you went through all of that and knowing it’s all your fault it would hurt your mental health and you would probably let the stress get to you too. If one text can make an innocent 4 year old have a better Christmas then I would do it. I dont care about him honestly I cant stand cheaters but I’m thinking of that innocent 4 year old and I’m not saying buy anything. All I said was send 1 text.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  Get a doorbell cam to record his next attempt at abusing you.  He’s projecting his insecurities and inadequate parenting on you. He’s trying to make you hurt as much as he’s hurting so that you’ll fix his f**k ups for him. He has still not taken ownership of his actions. He’s still looking for literally anyone else to blame for the situation he put himself in.

There are literal charities to help kids in poverty get a gift from Santa, maybe if ex stopped tripping over his own ego he could make a decent Xmas for all his kids.  He won’t change until he accepts he fucked up. I pity the kids. At least yours have a chance of knowing better. NTA.

New-Comment2668 −  NTA. If you are in the US, there is Toys for Tots, Easter Seals, and many communities also have churches that donate toys for underprivileged children. He could take $10 and go to the Dollar Tree and get her 3 or 4 toys. There are so many programs that he could have used to provide that child with a Christmas. He is choosing to make this your problem rather than being a father and taking responsibility for his own actions.

Marzipan_Unicorn −  OP’s income has also gone down to support 3 kids based on their dad reducing his payments. He should go after the mother and her family for ignoring the innocent child. Not go off on OP just because she is an easy target.

adultragedy −  He had 12 months to get another job, why should it be your problem to buy a gift for his affair child. I have half siblings and my parent struggled but never asked their other parent for money to pay for Christmas gifts for us. Your ex sounds so delusional.