AITA for not getting a driver’s license?

A woman in her 30s has never obtained a driver’s license and relies on public transportation and biking. Although she took driving lessons, she struggled due to ineffective instructors and personal challenges, which has caused tension in her long-term relationship.

Her partner feels resentful and overwhelmed, as he is the only driver. The woman wants to drive but is hesitant to spend €3000 on lessons, and her lack of driving has led to intimacy issues in their relationship. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not getting a driver’s license?’

I am a 30-something woman who can’t drive. I’ve never had a license. I currently live and work in a place where it’s much easier and more affordable to commute using public transportation. I’m fine with this. I also use a bicycle to get around (big biking culture where I live).

My partner of 10+ years is not ok with this at all. He really wants me to get a license. The problem is that it costs a lot of money to get a license here. The average cost for all the lessons and exams is over €3000. As you can imagine, I don’t have that lying around.

The only way to learn is with a qualified instructor. There are no parking lots or quiet roads for practice. Last year I managed to save enough for the lessons. I took about 15 lessons, but I feel that I made very little progress in that time. This was due to a few reasons.

My instructor was changed halfway through, neither of the instructors were very good (constantly on their phones and not giving constructive feedback). I was also off work due to depression during this time.

Probably a bad decision to start the lessons then, but I felt A LOT of pressure from my partner to do “something”. I know that I should’ve spoken up when I felt the instructor wasn’t helping, but I was nervous about confronting them. Needless to say, I did not learn to drive and I did not get a license.

Now all this time of me not driving has had an effect on my relationship with my partner. He has a lot of resentment towards me because he is the only driver in our home (just the two of us). Because of the driving thing, he says that he feels like a caregiver instead of a partner.

This has affected his attraction towards me. We have not been intimate in six months (and in the last couple of years like 10 times in total). This has taken a huge toll on me and my feelings towards my partner. I want to drive because I think it’s a good skill to have (even though I won’t get a car anytime soon).

I just feel like €3000 is a lot for this. I also have a recurring nightmare of losing control of a vehicle. Could this be affecting me subconsciously? I was not particularly anxious during the lessons.I’ve passed the theory exam like six times, but every time it expires because I haven’t done the practical exam.

AITA for not spending half of my savings on a license and therefore creating resentment in my partner?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

louisiana_lagniappe −  YTA, I’ve dated people who wouldn’t get their license because our city is walkable and has good public transit. Guess who had to drive on every road trip? Every camping trip? Every time we had to rent a moving van or take a big Costco trip?  It’s a HUGE deal being the only driver in a partnership. Get your license. 

joelaw9 −  Your question is flawed. You’re constantly blowing money on exams and have taken lessons but don’t follow through. Presumably that costs more than the €3000 over time.

So the question, properly formed is “AITA if I keep telling my partner I’m going to do something he feels is important, spend our money on it, and then keep bailing out with no good reasoning?” and the answer is yes, YTA.

Given the context in the post it sounds like you’re flakey and unreliable which is the source of the caregiver feelings from your partner, but he’s pegged them to this driving thing because it’s what stands out in his mind and aggravates those feelings the most.

You need to learn to commit to doing things or deciding not to do it at all and communicate that to him. And in this case apologize for pretending that you would for however long.

PlanningVigilante −  I.N.F.O: I currently live and work in a place where it’s much easier and more affordable to commute using public transportation. I’m fine with this. I also use a bicycle to get around (big biking culture where I live).

Do you ask your partner to drive you around a lot? I’m struggling as to why he considers himself to be a caregiver if you’re actually independent. *Are* you independent?

ETA: I have to go with YTA based on the reply that you and your partner take ROAD TRIPS and you do zero driving during them. You need to get a license or stop the road trips.

Key_Plastic_3372 −  OP, after ten years, you must know your partner pretty well. It sounds like your partner is growing tired of your dependence on him as a means of transportation. There may be other issues of dependence, but this one really bothers your partner.

He has asked you to get your drivers license and become more independent. While this doesn’t seem to mean much to you since you have been actively avoiding it for a long time, your partner has told you it means a lot to him. If you want to continue this relationship, get your license. Otherwise, you’re likely looking at the end of your relationship.

Filosifee −  NAH. I can understand your partners frustration, but that doesn’t automatically make you an A-hole. There’s a lot of upset Americans in the comments here because most of us live in areas where if you don’t have a car, it’s impossible to accomplish any kind of errand.

They don’t know what living in a country where robust public transportation is like. Also, a lot of you are outing yourselves as people who would abandon a disabled partner because they couldn’t drive.

Hotpinksharpie −  I feel like this escalated quickly from a simple driving question to the total deterioration of your relationship, which is definitely based on more than just driving. I have a feeling that even if you got your license tomorrow these problems would remain.

I suggest you use your time and money to address whatever all the other underlying issues are with you two at the moment. If this were just about driving I’d say NTA, but it’s clear your partner feels they are pulling more than their own weight, and I’m guessing this isn’t just about driving.

I’ve been with my husband for 24 years now, we have a 12 yr old daughter, and he only learned to drive in the last 2 years (we also live in a largely public transit city). Yes, it was a little annoying that I was always the chauffeur, but he was contributing in other ways so it wasn’t a relationship deal breaker.

That said, it is super helpful now that he knows how to drive, especially with a kid. And he literally learned to drive in the frogger-style traffic and pedestrian hellscape that is NYC. There are adults who have been driving for decades who won’t even drive here and this was his learning grounds. If he can do it, you can.

Miliean −  I also was a late driver, didn’t learn until I was in my low 30s (now low 40s). So I kind of get it. As it turns out, most of my driving anxiety related to feeling stupid while learning a new thing and once I gained some experience with it I actually feel very at ease behind the wheel to the point where it’s now my favorite activity to destress.

Having said that, YTA, as was I. I would say exactly what you say, I don’t need to drive, public transit is good, I’m fine. And yet, on many occasions I’d find myself riding in the car my partner and I owned for all kinds of occasions. Sure, I could have taken the bus to the party, but why do that when they’re going too and we can just drive…

The final straw was a medical thing. Me, my partner and my partners younger sibling were all at their parents place and my partner got injured and had to go to hospital. Thankfully their 16 year old sibling could drive us since I couldn’t and it’s a rural area with not good emergency service responses.

Scousette −  I was married to a non-driver (note: was). In younger years, didn’t seem to matter to me that I was doing all the driving but as we aged (& his parents aged even more), it became a wedge issue. It was also one feature of a personality that preferred to avoid responsibility.

Wasn’t the reason for the divorce but played a part. Y(may be) TA. If you choose to be.

Successful_Bath1200 −  NTA Driving isn’t for everyone. If you have good reliable public transport and a bike sounds like you don’t need to drive.

frygod −  YTA. Your partner wants a partner, not a burden, and I don’t blame them. It is within your power to act like an equal, and you consistently choose not to. I’d have cut and run years ago.

Is it reasonable for her partner to feel resentment, or should he be more understanding of her situation? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!