AITA for not forcing my kids to go on vacation with their dad?

A Reddit user shared their struggle with navigating co-parenting after their relationship with their husband fell apart. When the husband planned a family vacation but excluded the user and left the decision to the kids, they respected their children’s choice to decline. Now, they’re facing backlash from their ex’s family for not “forcing” the kids to go. Read the full story below to weigh in on whether they made the right call.

‘ AITA for not forcing my kids to go on vacation with their dad?’

My husband has made it a point that we aren’t in a relationship anymore, after 11 years and two kids because after a recent argument I had where him and his mom blamed we for something I never got to explain. He was at fault as well, they were mad that I stood up for myself. It happened in front of our kiddos: the oldest took my hand and said it was going to be okay.

Well, I have taken them to “his” house after, so their dad can’t say I kept them from him, even though he changed the locks, and our kids can’t understand why they can’t get in. Whenever their dad mentions we need to talk about custody, and I try to talk, its not the right time, or he doesn’t want to talk outside, but he wants to argue in front of the kids.

I’m definitely TA for putting the kids through that, to see him so hostile. I spent time with him and his family on Thanksgiving and another event. His other family was so glad I showed up with the kids, and wondered where he was. He went to a friends get-together instead, can’t stand being around me.

He recently asked if he could take the kids on a trip, I asked if I could go. He said no, but he paid for the rest of his family to go. I said I’d think about it, because the kiddos had already planned something to do with friends, since school is out. I ask the kids if they want to go on the trip, they said no. I asked a few times, told them it was okay if they did. Always no.

Their grandma, the one I had the argument with but we were on better terms after talking, asked why I wasn’t letting them go. I told her we had plans, and she laughed and said they have to have sleep overs this weekend? They have more weekends to do that. Actually, its this weekend and the next before school starts again. So we have to change our plans to make them happy?

After our youngest had a birthday party where some of the guests didn’t know where my husband was, didn’t know he was even there, I planned a birthday dinner, and no one thought he would attend, not even our kids. But he did, I invited him, and hoped he would, but thought maybe he wouldn’t because I was there. Turns out the only reason he came was because his mom asked.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

pineboxwaiting −  NTA Just find a lawyer & work out custody through them. It’s not fun, but it’s better than being at the mercy of your ex and his mother. Sounds like he locked you out of your home. Judges don’t look kindly on that. I’m curious: how long ago was this fight? Where are you living now? How are you supporting yourself & your kids?

invisiblebyday −  This is above r/AITA’s pay grade. This reads more like a question for a lawyer. In your shoes, if I had any suspicion that he’d abduct the children I wouldn’t let them go, so NTA. Even if this is not at all the situation, this proves why sorting out custody is important even if he doesn’t want to talk about it.

TheHatOnTheCat −  Their grandma, the one I had the argument with but we were on better terms after talking, asked why I wasn’t letting them go. I told her we had plans. NTA but why didn’t you tell Grandma the truth? This makes you look like the bad guy when you aren’t. The correct answer is “I am letting the kids go, they’ve told me they don’t want to go. Repeatedly. I’ve asked them several times.”

You need to tell Grandma “I think I was unclear before. I am not saying the children can’t go on a trip with their father. The kids have plans with their friends they made before, but you are right those absolutely could be canceled. I told the kids their dad wanted to take them on a trip but they said no. I told them multiple times it was okay if they went, but they kept saying they didn’t want to go. I am not stopping them.”

plm56 −  NTA. Step 1: Get a lawyer. Step 2: Divorce (since it doesn’t sound like that’s been done; if it has, or you weren’t married, skip this step). Step 3: Custody. Step 4: Child support. He gets zero say in any of this happening. Do it. Take his ass to court and get every cent that the judge will give you. And the house he locked you out of. Stop facilitating for him. He can make time for his kids on his own. Stop spending time with him/his family. Focus on you & your kids, because he sounds like a crappy father.

AltruisticLime27 −  NTA. But with all this arguing only in front the kids I think he is cooking something for you. Better get your self a lawyer and start recording everything.

Cheap-Awareness-5522 −  NTA, but you need to go ahead and hire a lawyer, file for divorce and get a custody order in place.

wicked-valentina −  NTA. And absolutely do not let him take the children out of the country during this period. You may never see them again until they’re 18 and able to break away from his control, and sometimes by then they may be brainwashed and want nothing to do with you. Get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY, especially since he locked you out of the house. Before he has a chance to accuse you of “a**ndonment.” Do not share plans with his family either, they are not on your side. You need to get serious and start gearing up for war.

Traditional-Load8228 −  Get a lawyer and get the visitation and holidays worked out in a parenting plan. Stop talking to his mother. But before you do you might want to stand up for yourself and tell her the truth of whatever has happened. And then let her deal with her son and you can cut ties with her and that side of the family. If he has locked you out of your home you need a lawyer asap. Oh and stop fighting or badmouthing in front of the kids.. ESH.

snarkness_monster −  There’s a little bit of everyone sucks here. But for the limited question of whether you are TA for not forcing your kids to go on vacation with their dad, I think the answer is NTA. It seems like the kids are old enough to express their feelings and, in this case, have decided they don’t want to go.

lokilady1 −  Get a lawyer fast. He’s going to try to s**ew you over.