AITA for not financially supporting the mother of one of my grandsons?

A Reddit user (52M) and his wife (49F) are facing a dilemma about financially supporting the mother of their grandson, who is struggling with expenses despite receiving child support from their son. The grandmother and grandfather are setting up a trust for their grandson, but the mother of the child is upset that she isn’t receiving cash assistance directly. This situation has caused tension, and the user is questioning whether they are in the right for not offering financial support to the mother.

‘ AITA for not financially supporting the mother of one of my grandsons?’

My wife (49F) and I (52M) have a son (20M). We are paying his expenses while he goes to school. Well, he had a short-lived “romance” with a woman (24F), which resulted in a pregnancy. She also already had another kid. Our grandson is 14 months old. In addition to going to school, our son is working full-time and pays child support.

Despite this, she is struggling. The father of her other child is not in the picture and she is no contact with her family. She has asked us for money on a number of occasions, but we refuse. We are willing to buy whatever she needs for our grandson and we do buy things for him. But, what she wants is cash and that is not something we are willing to do.

Things escalated recently when, as a Christmas gift to our grandson, told my son and her (we had to tell her so she would know about it in case something happens to us and our son) that we would be setting up a trust for our grandson and putting a fair bit of money in the trust at this time. She lost it on us. Apparently, she cannot even afford her apartment anymore and “could use some of that money now.” I thought she was way out of line.

I am 99% sure we are in the right, but would like to hear other perspectives. AITA? Note: We would 100% take in our grandson. We would take her in with certain conditions. We are willing to have her move in with certain expectations: no drinking, no smoking, no cussing, no s**, be home at a reasonable hour every night, and my wife take over the daycare needs of our grandson. We offered this when she was pregnant and the offer remains on the table. So, no, we will not let our grandson be homeless.

See what others had to share with OP:

ButterflyLow5207 −  Make SURE your grandson can’t access that $ until the age of 25. When my son died, one grandchild’s bio mom talked her into moving in with her and drained the 6 figure account, leaving our grandchild homeless for a few months. The other bio mom has custody and is homeless and.

Tls-user −  How many days a week does your son have custody of his child?

MaximusIsKing −  I think the bigger question is what are you willing to do your grandchild has a safe and stable home environment. The trust wont help him now. You aren’t obligated to give her cash but you see she’s struggling. I’m sure your son’s child support is nominal as he himself is a student and doesn’t have an high income so it’s probably a fairly modest amount. You recognize she’s working two jobs, it’s not like she’s snorting money away.

You don’t have a legal obligation it’s a question for moral one, and if you feel like being helpful. You could pay her rent directly to her landlord, you could take over utilities or groceries. None of it is mandatory but if you feel the desire to be helpful to give stability and have the means to do so, you could.

HeadMembership1 −  You didn’t need to tell the woman nor your son about the trust you set up.  Leave instructions in your will, or give the kid the keys yourself in 25 years.

rachelmig2 −  This is a difficult one, and I may get downvoted for this, but I think the right choice here is to show her some empathy. I’ll explain. I do family law, and while I always wanted to focus on child law specifically, I still end up doing a fair number of divorce and custody cases where child support is a factor.

A lot of clients come to me wanting to file a case because their ex-partner has taken a similar approach to child support as you have here- you’ll buy things directly for the kid, but won’t give her money. While this probably sounds like a great deal for you, it can in fact become very frustrating, because the truth is there are way more expenses than items needed.

If she has two kids and is working full time, she’s probably not making all that much more than it costs to send two kids to daycare, because childcare is crazy expensive. The issue with that approach is also that it strongly implies you don’t trust them, and that may be the case, but I can see why you telling her about a trust 18 years down the line while she’s struggling to pay her rent would be very frustrating and disheartening, because she’s trying so hard to give this baby the life he deserves and she’s just barely keeping her head above water.

I recognize that your situation is different- you’re not the other parent, you’re not obligated to support her. Yes your son pays child support, but if he’s in college and working it’s probably at a job not far above minimum wage, and that doesn’t equal a whole lot of child support. But if you care about your grandson and the upbringing he has, I think you should reconsider your stance.

Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that happen in the first few years of a child’s life dramatically effect their future and their chances at a happy life, and your grandson could be staring down a whole lot of them right now if she’s struggling to pay the rent. Maybe you have good reason not to trust this woman, but I don’t see any written here.

For your grandson’s sake, please reconsider. I don’t imagine he’d want to have a relationship down the line with grandparents who could’ve stepped in to help his struggling mother when he was a child but chose not to, and that is how he will see it.

Irish_Adventure24 −  Look,.man. It’s not that you’re an AH for not giving this woman money. She’s obviously not very responsible to begin with. And it’s your money, not hers. So that’s the simple answer… But here’s what I hope you consider: poverty in early childhood decreases grades and skills by a meaningful amount over the course of a kid’s schooling, and increases risks of mental illness, substance abuse, and has other negative outcomes.

So while setting up a trust for your grandkids might feel like a long term solution to make sure he doesn’t end up like his mother, by letting the kid experience poverty, you’re setting him up for failure.

You know what a poor kid with a bad upbringing does if they come into money? They don’t usually use it to build a healthy and stable life for themselves. They blow a bunch of money really quickly on dumb nonsense and then go right back to being poor. So do you want to feel morally justified? Or do you want the best outcome possible for your grandkid?

Maybe consider how you can make this kids life easier, safer, and more stable now so he can reap the benefits later. It’s not about whether his mom *deserves* your help. She probably doesn’t. But you might need to give her help to get the best outcome for your grandkid. Just think it over. What’s your end goal? And is your current strategy really gonna get you there?

WorldlinessHefty918 −  Firstly, I think I would’ve kept that news away from this woman and just made the trust up for when the grandson’s are 25 or 30 I wouldn’t even let her know she doesn’t sound like she’s cooking with a full tank of gas so I would be very careful about her now that she knows that you’ve got that money.

Boss_Bitch_Werk −  If she’s just about homeless, how come neither you or your son petition for full custody? Y’all gonna let your grandson be homeless and hungry? I seriously doubt your 20 yr old some makes enough money to pay any decent amount of child support. You act like the money from child support is enough to keep her from struggling. In THIS economy! Info: What exactly are you willing to buy for your grandchild?

PrairieGrrl5263 −  NTA. She’s a full grown adult and you are not a charity. You owe her nothing. She made the choice to get pregnant by a teenager instead of a man out of school and financially able to provide for a child. Choices have consequences.

Organization_Tangibl −  Helping your grandson is great, but dropping a trust bomb while she’s drowning feels kinda cold.