AITA for not doing everything to help my parents afford treatments for my brother?

A 16-year-old boy feels distant from his family after growing up neglected due to his older brother’s (18M) chronic cancer battles. The brother’s cancer has returned, and his parents expect the younger sibling to help fundraise and possibly assist medically, despite having been largely overlooked throughout his life.

The teenager refuses, saying the responsibility lies with his parents and brother, leading to anger from his parents but support from his grandparents. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not doing everything to help my parents afford treatments for my brother?’

When my brother (18m) was 4 and I (16m) was 2 he was diagnosed with a blood cancer. He’d been sick for a little while and our parents thought he had a flu or something so they didn’t get him all the help right away and because of that guilt they devoted every second to him from that point forward.

It was supposed to be until he was cancer free. But by the time he was, we were 8 and 6 and they had become so used to focusing on him alone. I spent most of my time with an uncle who lived nearby or neighbors when he was undergoing treatment.

My uncle didn’t like having me nearby and the neighbors were so busy with their own kids that I got pretty used to being ignored and forgotten. So when my brother was back home and I wasn’t sent anywhere anymore I was more used to being alone somewhere and taking care of myself.

My relationship with my parents was never a close one and it’s the same with my brother. Both of us feel more like only kids and he gave me s**t before for telling our parents I’d like some of their attention too.

They’d always tell me he needed it more and he considered me a d**ma queen. The last time I said anything which was like 3 years ago, he said he didn’t realize boys could be as dramatic as girls.

My brother’s cancer come back 5 years ago and it was dealt with early and he didn’t have treatment for very long and after that he seemed better in all ways. He had more energy, appetite was better and he was doing stuff he’d never had the energy to do before.

About a year ago my mom’s parents moved closer to us and they spent time focused on me which bonded me to them pretty quickly. I spend a lot of time with them now. I also took my focus totally off my parents and wanting their attention.

In July my brother’s cancer returned again but it’s different this time. I wasn’t given much info. Treatments are complicated I guess and some other countries have treatments we’re not focused on yet so there’s talk of him going to Germany and I think Switzerland (but I could be wrong since I don’t get much info).

My parents are working more hours to help pay for this. And since then I spend even more time with my grandparents. Sometimes spending the night with them. My lack of presence wasn’t noticed until they wanted me to help raise the money and maybe offer to get tested if that’s what’s needed.

They said I could start fundraisers and get a job. I already have one but my parents never noticed. I told them I wasn’t going to help with that and it was for the three of them to figure it out.

I got yelled at and my grandparents stepped in and said I wasn’t responsible for this. My parents were saying it was helping family, my own brother and how could I consider not doing everything to help.. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Old_Inevitable8553 −  NTA. First off, you deserve the same love and attention from your parents. Who are morons not only for ignoring you but expecting you to help pay for treatments. You are a child, not the parent. So it’s not on you to do anything of that b**lshit.

Second, I don’t care what condition your brother has. That doesn’t give him the right to treat you badly or act like a spoiled b**t. He should’ve been called on that a long time ago and put in his place. And third, the ‘he’s your brother/you’re family card’, is a load of crap.

You don’t owe him or anyone else a thing. Both he and your parents are assholes and need to get over themselves. Just like they need to realize what s**tty people they are for doing all of this to you.

Grump_NP −  NTA. Your parents are desperate. Desperate people make bad decisions. I can sympathize with reason for their desperation, but that doesn’t make their decisions any better. For one they had two children, not one.

They failed at the job of being parents, it’s the height of hypocrisy for them to lecture you on family responsibility. Also are these expensive treatments even going to be effective. There are a lot of snake oil salesman in the cancer treatment world.

If you are in a developed country it is unlikely Switzerland or Germany have access to better treatments outside of a specific clinical trial. Clinical trials are always a gamble, you may not even be getting the d**g.

Don’t let your parents push their grief and desperation onto you. This is their problem to fix. If your brother passes it’s not because of you, it’s because of his illness. 

jensmith20055002 −  And parents wonder why Glass Children abandon them when the golden child is no longer available. My sister was very sick growing up. It was always your sister comes first *until she’s healthy*. But when she was healthy, they did their damndest to make it up to me.

Even when she was sick, they rarely to never missed my events. If my sister acted like a s**t as all kids sometimes do, she got lectured “just because you’re sick doesn’t mean you can act like an a**hole.”

I think most humane siblings understand when their brother is sick. It’s ok to take a backseat occasionally. Be understanding occasionally. It’s never ok to be second for so long they didn’t notice you were missing.

nospoonstoday715 −  NTA let me start off with if you are unwilling to be tested they won’t do it. Even if pressured into it once you talk to dr about how you are being coherenced they will keep that confidential and simply state your not a donation match. End of story.

However your parents s**k to ignore you so throughly and your brother is a self entitled p**ck. Congratulations on having awesome grandparents who honestly love and care for you as an individual, as well as a grandson.

coastalkid92 −  NTA. You’re a kid. Your responsibility is to be the kid, their’s is to be the parent.

No_Cockroach4248 −  I am sorry, you ended up as the glass child. You are not responsible for your brother, your parents are. Your parents are negligent In ignoring you and your needs. Please don’t let your parents guilt trip you.

I have a family member with terminal cancer and you are unfortunately on borrowed time. Your parents are grasping at any silver of hope and not thinking rationally. Please take care of yourself. NTA

KimB-booksncats-11 −  Your parents didn’t notice you basically weren’t living at home. They didn’t notice you have a job. They don’t care about you as a person but only for what you can give your brother.

Try to live with your grandparents as much as possible, keep your head down, possibly give your grandparents your important papers (birth certificate, social security card), and get out of there once you turn 18.

In no sane world is an under aged sibling responsible for raising money for their other sibling’s cancer treatment. Your grandparents are right that this isn’t your responsibility. I’m sorry your parents have neglected you basically your whole life but I’m glad you have your grandparents. NTA obviously.

backgate1 −  I had an epiphany a while back. I was neglected and abused as a child. Nobody cared what happened to me. I was nothing but a nuisance to my 40 something parents and two very much older brothers. Yep, I was an accident.

It bothered me a long time my family was never there for me and never cared. My epiphany wasn’t about me being neglected by my family. The epiphany was I never had a family to begin with.

RecordingNo7280 −  NTA. I would ask your grandparents if you can move in with them. Then your parents can rent your room out if they like to raise extra money and you won’t be a burden for them.

You don’t owe them anything and your earnings now are needed by you to prepare for your future (either for college or to get started in life to afford an apartment etc). The reality is that you don’t have “extra” money to contribute as a brand new adult. 

Individual_Metal_983 −  NTA You have been ignored by your parents until they want something from you. It is not your job to provide for your brother. It is their job to emotionally support both of their children.

Is it reasonable for him to refuse involvement given his strained relationship with his family, or should he help despite his feelings? Does emotional neglect exempt him from familial obligations? Share your thoughts below!