AITA for not defending my daughter to her coach who almost benched her?

A Reddit user shares a situation involving her teenage daughter, a talented volleyball player who prioritized prom over a tournament, leading her coach to bench her during a recent game. The daughter now wants her mom to speak to the coach on her behalf, but the mom feels it’s a lesson in commitment and won’t intervene. The mom’s husband disagrees, arguing prom is important and the coach was unfair. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not defending my daughter to her coach who almost benched her?’

Quick details. Daughter (16) is a junior in high school. She has excelled her entire life at volleyball and plays on a prestigious club team in our area. She is currently being scouted by division 1 universities.

2 weeks ago, her highschool had prom. She went, even though I thought she shouldn’t. She had an out of state tournament that she skipped to go to prom. Other girls on the team skipped their school’s prom for this tournament. I told her what I thought she should do, but I allowed her to make her own decision and wasn’t going to interfere.

She had another tournament this past weekend where, unsurprisingly, she barely played. She normally starts and plays most games but she sat on the bench most of the time for this tournament. She told me that she thinks this is unfair, and she is being benched because she went to prom.

She wants me to talk to the coach about her decision and make sure it doesn’t happen again. I told her what I felt. I flat out told her no I would not talk to her coach. I told her that she is part of a team, and had a commitment to them and she decided to be s**fish and go to a silly dance.

She argued with me saying how this is a special occurrence. I reminded her 2 things. 1) That other girls on the team prioritized the tournament over their proms. And 2) she’s lucky to be as talented as she is, and she will most likely not pay for college. This is an opportunity all those prom goers would probably love to have.

I warned her this would happen, and she decided not to listen to me. She is still upset with me; I told her I hope she learned something about being part of a team. My husband thinks I am wrong because prom is important to a teenager and thinks the coach is being unfair. But I have 0 issue with what the coach did.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

AngelicBear05 −  YTA. Holy s**t, your daughter is literally excelling in life, being scouted by division one universities, and you’re upset she wants to have the slightest hint of a social life?

If she was a general underperformer or did something genuinely bad, sure, but all this girl did was go to ONE social event and she’s being blatantly punished for it. Sure, the other girls went to the tournament, and that’s great, but your daughter starts and plays most tournaments because she’s a skilled player, and suddenly she’s sitting bench?

That’s just blatant retaliation for missing one tournament, and instead of helping her stand up for herself, you’re scolding her for daring to want to do anything but work for one night? Okay.

StAlvis −  YTA. she decided to be s**fish and go to a silly dance. My dude, do not start calling s**t “silly” when we’re talking about recreational ball sports.. Glass houses.

UteLawyer −  NTA. I’m surprised by all the Y T A answers here. The coach has to do what’s best for the team. The coach has decided that means playing your daughter less. That’s the coach’s decision.

Talking to the coach is not going to do your daughter any favors. She put herself above the team. The sooner she learns that her choices will have natural consequences, the better.

ReviewOk929 −  YTA – Why is there an expectation on people to miss important events in their lives for sport, at this age? Let kids be kids instead of placing unreasonable expectations on them. You’re not at fault for the wider issue but you’re definitely part of the problem

EducationalShelter26 −  Hi, former college volleyball player and current high school and club coach.  Your daughter is allowed to be upset and hurt. You’re allowed to not say anything to the coach. Coach is allowed to make the decision they think is best. That’s life.  I’ve experienced this from both sides, and both are correct.

She is fine to be upset, but coach isn’t “punishing” her. Like others said, actions have consequences. Consequences and punishments are different. Skipping practice and games is a choice. And when one person skips and others don’t, there will be an appropriate shift.

I had a meeting with a set of parents this year who believed I was punishing their daughter for being ill and missing practice. I very clearly explained to them that it wasn’t a punishment, but a consequence. She missed at least one practice a week because of illness or doctor’s appointments.

Because she missed so much practice, other girls got better faster. They played more than she did because they were prepared to.  You’re doing the right thing, and it’s a good lesson for her to learn.

Hold space but be strong. Encourage her to talk to her coach on her own. College doesn’t get easier!!  Editing to add that reddit is not the best place to get opinions on youth sports for .. Obvious reasons. 

PoppyStaff −  This thread is 50:50. The sports oriented people side with parent. The non-sporty people side with the daughter. Me, I think the daughter learned a lesson about consequences but also she had a great prom. None of this is going to change anything. She’ll still have a sports scholarship if she’s as good as her parent thinks.

I_like_tigers_1986 −  NTA. She learned that when you make choices then they have consequences. She, presumably, enjoyed her prom. But why should her team suffer for her choices. If she wants the kudos of a college sports scholarship then she sacrifices things. Its a life lesson.

Presumably she will be back on the team after her benching. But the coach had to set the boundary. If he didn’t then discipline would drop, then standards and results and then no scouts would come and watch.

Original_Rock5157 −  NTA. This was her decision. She is old enough to speak to the coach about her choice and how it affected her playing time, if she would like. Most teams have a policy about missed games and missed practices. The coach enforced it by benching her. I’m not sure what there is to discuss at this point? But it’s not up to you, the parent.

RegularOps −  YTA. Expecting your teenager to skip their prom for sports is pretty messed up. The coach is being petty and you’re backing up that pettiness instead of your own daughter.

NonaYerBiz −  NTA. At 16, your daughter is old enough to understand or learn that decisions have consequences and to think about the pros and cons of each decision. I agree with others that at 16, she’s old enough to deal with the coach herself.

If she’s being scouted by college agents, I see her spot on the team as a job and a priority that could affect the next four years of her life. However, now that she’s gone to a prom, perhaps she’ll skip next year’s in favor of playing on the team. Wouldn’t her final year of HS play be the most important to the colleges?

Do you agree with the mom’s decision not to intervene, emphasizing responsibility and teamwork, or do you think she should support her daughter’s wish to balance sports and special high school moments? Share your thoughts below!