AITA for not cooking after my fiancé defrosted the wrong type of chicken?

A Reddit user shared her frustration about a recent dinner mishap with her fiancé, who defrosted the wrong type of chicken despite her specific instructions. As a stay-at-home mom, she rarely finds time to eat and felt that her fiancé, who gets free meals at work, didn’t fully understand her disappointment.

When she snapped at him for his repeated mistakes, she wondered if she was being too harsh or if he was being intentionally inattentive. Read on to see how the situation unfolded below.

‘ AITA for not cooking after my fiancé defrosted the wrong type of chicken?’

I am a SAHM of 3… my fiancé works Monday thru Friday his regular job where he has to go to different restaurants/establishments to drop off things. He’s given free food from said places everyday. (He’s always telling me what he was given for free so I know it’s literally at least 4 out of 5 days he goes to this job.)

I barely get to eat during the day bcuz the kids never let me get a minute to myself. As soon as I go to even think about eating one of my kids start crying or needing me. Today I asked him to get a specific type of chicken out of the deep freezer and put it to defrost so I can cook dinner.

After about an hour or so of the chicken defrosting I go to the kitchen to see if it’s ready to be seasoned and cooked & it’s the wrong type of chicken. AFTER I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM WHICH ONES TO GET OUT. My whole mood is thrown off- I don’t even want to cook anymore & he wants to know why I have an attitude.

I just feel like he does certain things on purpose. Weaponized incompetence???? Like why can’t he do anything the right way the first time I ask? Why do I feel like I cant even ask him to do a simple favor like taking specific meat out the freezer without having to hover over him to make sure he’s doing what I actually asked and not what he “thought he heard” 🙄

Am I the a**hole for snapping at him when he tried to act like it was no big deal? To me it is a big deal bcuz it’s EVERY SINGLE TIME I ask him to help me do anything I feel like he purposely does the task wrong 🤦🏻‍♀️

The point of me bringing up that he gets free food all day is bcuz I don’t think he understands how hungry I actually am when he gets home & I actually get a chance to eat bcuz he gets to eat all day at work without kids interrupting his meals. So when I want something specific I want that & that only.

So AITA? For those who will say I could’ve gotten it out myself- yes your right I should’ve gotten it out myself earlier in the day- but it slipped my mind dealing with the kids & I was busy with the kids when I asked him to get the chicken from the freezer.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

nsm444 −  im going against everyone NTA. bc you stated this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME, so i understand finally snapping. although yes, you should have time for yourself to eat, and “ignore” your kids. but then again, no one should tell you how to parent.

edit to add: she has commented she has a 2 yo nonverbal sick autistic child, another child, and a 5m old. AND she just asked for pedilyte for the sick child and he brought her ensure

sheramom4 −  YTA for not taking care of yourself during the day and blaming that on your partner. Let your kids whine while you eat. They will be fine. Let them learn to be patient unless they need an emergency room or have another pressing need. Needing more water or juice…they can wait.

A diaper change? Can wait for five minutes while you eat something. As far as this goes, you have to learn to roll with it. You are disappointed about the defrosted chicken. Okay. Move on. Or order takeout.

divinAPEtion −  INFO: Is there a pattern of this kind of behavior? A lot of folks here are focusing on the individual event in a vacuum, but the context and frequency matters a lot.

Those of us who have lived with weaponized incompetence know that it’s never just about the chicken – there’s a long trail of behaviors with a common thread of selfishness or carelessness woven through them.

Weaponized incompetence is often able to continue *because* we are expected to focus on the individual event as if it’s in a vacuum and not a long-standing pattern that slowly drills into you and wears you down like water into a rock. 

prevknamy −  Going against the grain here because I feel your pain. NTA. My husband is the same way. I have two friends with husbands like this too. They just don’t do anything right. They either don’t listen or don’t try or, like you say, they do what they think they heard instead.

The result is that they can’t be trusted to do something properly and it’s maddening. People in this post are mistakenly attributing your tone to you being hungry and not taking care of yourself. I recognize it for what it is – exhaustion from living with one of those types of men.

I can tell you now, it never improves. I’ve talked to mine a thousand times. I’ve tried different techniques. We tried systems and processes. Nothing helps. He just doesn’t do things correctly. The kick in the pants is that he’s not lazy. His brain is just in la la land 24/7. So I either nag and micromanage, do things myself, or accept sub-par results. Shrug

No-Reaction9635 −  This is literally not even about her not eating. All of the commenters are assholes. Your husband is an a**hole that he can’t do simple tasks that you ask him. Yes it’s weaponized incompetence and yes you need to nip that s**t now. The next time he asks YOU for something do it wrong and then say I did what you asked. NTA

Head-Emotion-4598 −  Let your kids whine for a bit! As long as they are safe, it’s fine! You need to eat and deserve a break. Please don’t be a martyr! Plus, by not teaching them that sometimes they need to wait, you’ll end up with more problems down the road.

emileeavi −  Is everyone missing the fact that op is asking for the bare minimum and the fiance is still f**king up? Its like he doesnt care wnough to help at all. Just because one person can have 6 kids and be fine with no help doesnt mean the person with one kid cant struggle.

Kids are all different. Plus everyoke is calling OP an ass for “not eating all day” but she said she barely eats anything, so she is eating, just not as much as she should, and thats not even the question shes asking about.

Yall so ready to attack a stay at home mom whose struggling, and defend her fiance who seems to be doing jack s**t for the kids. We need more info with more examples if this is actually weponised incompetence or if op just blew up over something that barely happens.

Dizzy_Signature2273 −  NTA, especially with the update. It sounds like a lot of stuff has been building up and forming resentment toward your fiance. Everyone saying “its just a chicken,” doesn’t see how these things happening over and over can really wear you down.

It’s ok to feel upset about it, and I think you regulated your emotions really well (especially since you are so hungry and worn down). You might be an A if u blew up at him, but a conversation would definitely be reasonable. But girl, please work on taking care of yourself.

Eating is so important for your health and for your energy. I know its so easy to lose track of your own body’s needs especially around kids but you cannot best support them if your needs aren’t met.

He does not seem blameless, but your fiance is not the reason you do not eat, so please don’t take it out on him, it will not be good for your relationship. I hope things change for the better, good luck

Longjumping-Lab-1916 −  I’m not going to give a judgment, just an observation and maybe some advice. You sound o**rwhelmed. For anyone who’s not been a SAHM, you have no idea how much easier it is to go out to work.  It’s exhausting and isolating.

When you’re more calm, have a convo with your husband.   Explain how you need him to be better about doing things if you ask for help.  Also, maybe he could bring some of the food home that he gets for free.

I know what it’s like when your spouse has meals out all the time and you have to cook for yourself and the kids: not good. You guys need to communicate better.   Your marriage is on a downward trend and you both need to work at turning it around.

RomaGypsyQueen −  UPDATE: I cooked dinner. & took peoples advice on how to speak to him about it. Even tho I have done this before I did it again and used every type of open communication as I could and thought we were moving in a new direction.

Our 2 year old nonverbal autistic son is sick right now- another reason I am o**rwhelmed. And has had a high fever all day I’ve been trying to combat with Tylenol and keeping him hydrated and comfy. I try again to see if I can ask him to do one thing & see if it’ll be done correctly.

I asked him to get our sons sippy cup and fill it with some PEDIALYTE while I check him temperature again to see if it’s went down any. As I’m putting our son back in bed with his sippy cup (only the top is see thru) I see milk & I ask him “hey babe what’s in here?” And he says “ensure like you told me to put” so all of yall calling ME the a**hole, absolutely not. This is purposeful.

Was the Redditor’s reaction justified, or do you think she overreacted to a simple mistake? How would you handle similar frustrations with a partner who doesn’t seem to fully understand the pressures of your day? Share your thoughts in the comments!