AITA for not complimenting my husband when he does chores around the house?
A woman and her husband both work full-time and split household chores. After a long day at work, the woman came home to find her husband had cleaned the kitchen, a chore she usually handles.
When he asked if she noticed, she jokingly pointed out that she had already cleaned the kitchen that morning. This led to a back-and-forth where he felt unappreciated for doing the cleaning, and she felt frustrated by his need for validation.
The situation escalated when he asked if she was proud of him, and she questioned if he was proud of her. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for not complimenting my husband when he does chores around the house?’
My husband & I (36m, 29f) both work full time, both contribute to groceries, both do chores around the house. There are certain things that we tend to do that would be considered exclusively my chore or his.
But that’s not to say one or the other couldn’t do that thing. I usually start work later in the day, and finish way later. Where he starts very early, and is done earlier. So last night, I worked until 9pm and came home so exhausted that I just went straight to the couch and sat down.
He was standing in the kitchen chatting with me, asking how my day was, etc. But then he goes, “do you notice anything?” And I kind of looked around and said “…no?” He says, “I cleaned the kitchen!”.
(Something that I do 9/10 times and that’s okay, the kitchen tends to be my time to relax as I genuinely love cooking/cleaning/having an organized kitchen) .
This is where I felt kind of bad, because I actually chuckled out loud and said “oh well there wouldn’t have been much to clean because I cleaned the kitchen this morning before I left for work!” And he kind of got put out by my comment. “Well…. I unloaded the dishwasher and washed the frying pan in the sink!!!”
So now I doubled down on my “confusion” and pettiness because for some reason it bothered me that he was fishing for a compliment for something that I do daily and never get compliments on (nor do I seek or need them) and said, “oh,
I also unloaded AND loaded the dishwasher and washed all your breakfast dishes by hand this morning.” To where he started stomping off and said “you could have just said you were proud of me.”
And now I was grumpy because I felt the whole interaction felt childish. “Well are YOU proud of ME?!” To which he said “that’s not the point, I just tried to do something nice for you and you’re not even grateful.” So, AITAH for refusing to just say thank you?
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Basic-Regret-6263 − NTA, but you should probably talk it out if you want to stay in a happy relationship. Yeah, yeah, there’s always some PickMe who shows up to be like “well I thank my husband every time he shits in the toilet instead of on our living room rug –
I don’t see what’s so wrong with manifesting gratitude,” but the truth is that it’s exhausting and condescending to give headpats for basic adulting.I’m reminded of that quote from Chris Rock about the people he hates most of all.
They always want credit for some s**t they’re supposed to do. They’ll brag about stuff a normal man just does. They’ll say something like, ‘Yeah, well, I take care of my kids.’You’re supposed to, you dumb m**herfucker.. ‘I ain’t never been to jail.’
Whaddya want? A cookie? You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having m**herfucker!” That being said, relationships are about communication and comprise, so have a chat with him about how you appreciate that he was trying to be nice and all that.
Anxious_Reporter_601 − NTA. Why would you praise him for basic chores that you both have to do to maintain your living space? He didn’t even clean the kitchen! He washed one frying pan!
Antique_Pop1519 − NAH But some side advice: My husband and I make it a practice to thank each other daily. Sometimes it’s immediately when a chores is done. “Oh wow thanks for doing the dishes!” Or sometimes on busy days at the end of the day.
“Thanks for everything you did today, I appreciate you.” My husband and I both have words of affirmation in our love language. So this is just a way to make each other feel valued and seen. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, and everyone deserves to feel appreciated by their partner. Both of you deserve to hear thank you! 😊
LowBalance4404 − NTA. He doesn’t get a pat on the head for washing a frying pan that he clearly used. Every time you do a chore, ask him if he notices anything.
Special_Respond7372 − NTA. He’s a grown ass adult who lives in the household. Doing everyday chores is part of living there, being an equal partner and part of adulthood. You don’t get a participation trophy for it.
ETA: if it’s not an everyday chore and is instead something out of the norm and more complicated or time consuming then you should acknowledge it.
PM_ME_SEXY_SANDWICH − NTA. And it really bugs me that he considers this “doing something nice for you”. Managing communal space is the responsibility of both of you as spouses. Saying he’s doing a favor implies that he thinks this is only your job.
rockology_adam − NAH. Unless you think your husband did the work out of pettiness or to make you feel bad, then what he did was something he thought would be helpful after you had a late day at work.
Even if we think fishing for a compliment here is cringy, it’s not A-holery. He wasn’t looking for compliments for doing a chore, he was looking for appreciation for doing something for you. Those are different things, even if you don’t see it in the moment.
You had a long and late day. You’re tired and out of sorts, and he walks in being cringy after doing something unnecessary. And you’re supposed to give him headpats for that? Cleaning something you cleaned this morning?
Why would he think the kitchen needed cleaning? There was a single frying pan in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher. The only real issue here is going to be recovery. Is he going to be able to understand why it wasn’t the gesture he thought it was? Are you going to be able to see it as the gesture it was?
Ok_Homework_7621 − NTA Does he always expect praise for normal adult things? Does he thank you for cleaning it?
I’d notice if it was a bigger project, but regular cleaning doesn’t require celebrations.
snarkness_monster − I’m sorry, what? He cleaned his own kitchen? And he wants you to be proud? It’s his own house!! Does he want a ticker tape parade (that you’ll have to clean up)? GTFO. He should clean the kitchen more, then maybe you’ll have something to be proud of. NTA
MtnMoose307 − How often does your husband compliment you when you do chores around the house?
Should the woman have just acknowledged her husband’s effort, or was she justified in feeling frustrated with his need for praise? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!