AITA for not complimenting my friend?

A Reddit user shares an experience where she felt unsure about whether or not to compliment her friend, Sarah, who is a trans woman. During a recent visit to Sarah’s home, the user noticed what seemed to be the results of Sarah’s top surgery but held back on commenting since Sarah didn’t explicitly mention it.

Now, she wonders if her silence came off as dismissive and if she should’ve acknowledged the change. Read her story below to see how she navigated this delicate situation.

‘ AITA for not complimenting my friend?’

My daughter has a friend (we’ll call her Jane, 12F) whose parent is trans (MTF, we’ll call her Sarah 40sF.) I’ve known this family for 5 years, and Sarah began her transition about 3 years ago.

I am friendly with Sarah and her wife (we’ll call her Michelle, 40sF), we chat at play dates, we’ll stop and say hi to each other at events, but we aren’t the kind of friends who text to chat. Recently, the kids had a play date at Jane’s house.

I had dropped my daughter off and chatted with Michelle, then went to run some errands. When it was time to pick my daughter up, Michelle texted me and said she had to go to work but Sarah had come home and is with the kids.

I texted Sarah to let her know that I was on my way. Sarah replied and said to just knock then come inside, as she was still recovering from a recent surgery and might be slow. I didn’t ask what kind of surgery, not my body, not my business.

I have a very strict personal rule to never comment on another person’s body unless it can be changed in 30 seconds or less (like food in teeth) or unless I am explicitly asked for input. I will compliment clothes or makeup or hair styles, but I stay away from commenting on someone’s actual body.

When I arrived at Jane’s house, I knocked and came inside, as instructed. Sarah came to greet me, and I immediately noticed it appeared that she had undergone top surgery. The way she was standing and leaning over made it seem like she was trying to show off her chest, but again, not my body, not my business.

I had no confirmation that she had top surgery, I made the assumption based on the fact that I didn’t see any bandages or wraps elsewhere on her body and the fact that her breasts seemed much fuller than the last time I saw her over the summer.

It also felt really inappropriate to comment on a married woman’s breasts, so I refrained from saying anything. (I am a cis woman.) We chatted for a bit as we always do when we pick up and drop off our daughter’s at each other’s houses, and then we were on our way.

Sarah seemed disappointed as we said goodbye, her shoulders kind of fell and her tone of voice changed. I really got the feeling that she was excited to show off the results of her (assumed) gender-affirming surgery, which I understand.

If I got new breasts I would also be excited to show them off! But again, she didn’t explicitly tell me that she had top surgery, nor did she explicitly has for input on her body. If she had mentioned new breasts, of course I would have complimented and validated her.

So, AITA for not complimenting my friend because I wasn’t sure? This happened a few days ago and I’m still ruminating. I feel bad, like my lack of compliment invalidated her. I feel like I ignored her.

I’m really torn, I’m second guessing if I should’ve made an exception to my personal rule and just made a comment that she looked great or just straight up asked what kind of surgery she had when she mentioned it through text. I would especially love to hear from trans people on this subject.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

4th_chakra −  Your boundaries are very respectful of other people. As you noted, if Sarah had said “I just had these implants, how does it look?” you would have given an honest opinion.

But Sarah wasn’t forward with any information, leaving you wondering, but also respectful of their body and privacy. If she explicitly wanted you to know, she would have told you.

And if the operation didn’t involve b**ast implants, and you commented on her chest, it would have been inappropriate. So you did the right thing in allowing Sarah to be the initiator..which she refrained from doing.. NTA

Leigeofgoblins −  “AITA for not being able to read minds?”.. Unsurprisingly, no. NTA.

helpn33d −  I don’t think she was fishing for a compliment but acknowledgement that she just had surgery and wanted you to at least check in with her about how it went and how she was feeling.

Prestigious_Blood_38 −  NTA. When in doubt, do not comment. It’s a double edged sword. You were there to pick up your child not make commentary on someone else’s body.

rockology_adam −  NTA but I do think you were insensitive. A-holery here is about intention. You erred on the side of caution, which would normally be the way to go. You’ve even got it written throughout your post:

I would never comment on someone’s body, because that can be a sensitive topic and you’re going to be better off missing a compliment than making someone feel bad. You can always compliment them later.

Should you message Sarah and say something? Probably. You SHOULD have followed up on the vibe you got at the door. And you could have made it a socially constructed and awkward in a bonding way conversation.

“Sarah, I’m definitely getting a bit of a happy vibe from you today. Michelle mentioned recovering from surgery, but how are you feeling about the outcome?” and when she responds you say something friendly and innocuous like “It suits you” with a smile, and then you go.

Still, missed opportunities can be recovered by the same token. A message that says something like “Michelle mentioned your surgery in passing. You seemed to be doing well, considering. Seems like a happy vibe over there. It suits you.” or something else innocuous.. Missed opportunity, not A-holery.

One_and_only4 −  NTA. You never know and if you assume to think you might end up causing more hurt to her than you think. You might think she wants a compliment but maybe she doesn’t.

The only thing you could have done is say something along the lines of I hear you had a procedure and I hope it went well or hope your recovery is smooth. This way it might have initiated her to telling you more about it.

Maximum_Law801 −  NTA – surgery and bodies are private. If she wanted comments she could have said something herself. It’s weird to comment on other people’s bodies, especially breasts.

Fair_Watercress_953 −  This is the kind of thing I do and then worry for days. I have gotten better about communicating after the fact. This is what I would do if it were me: If you are going to see her again in a few days, do it in person, other wise text

“Hey Sarah, sorry that I was distracted/ in a rush when I was picking my kid up, but Michelle mentioned you had surgery and I meant to ask if you are recovering okay, or if there’s anything you need?

I would love to support you but also didn’t want to pry :)” I feel like this recognizes that you didn’t mean to blow her off, were trying to be polite, but also opens the door for her to share if she wants to.

LouisV25 −  NTA. Statements like that can go so wrong. If she brings it up, compliment her and explain that you weren’t sure whether a compliment was appropriate, so you didn’t want to intrude.

0biterdicta −  NAH for not complimenting her. Top surgery is likely a big deal for your friend and it’s understandable she wants some positive reassurance. At the same time, a lot of people would be unsure what to say, if anything, in your position.

That said, it might be worth apologizing for not even asking how she was doing. You could say something like. “Hey, I wanted to apologize. When I realized your surgery was probably related to your transition,

I got so nervous about accidentally sticking my foot in my mouth I forgot to ask how you were recovering or wish you well. I’m sorry. I hope your recovery goes smoothly and if we can bring by dinner or something else to help out, please let me know.”

Was it reasonable for the user to stick to her personal rule about not commenting on someone’s body unless invited? Or should she have given a compliment in this case? How would you handle such a sensitive situation? Share your thoughts below!