AITA for not communicating that I wanted to go Dutch before dinner?

A Redditor shares a situation where they frequently cover the dinner bills for family outings, believing their generosity was appreciated. However, during one particular dinner with their brother-in-law and his wife, the Redditor decided to split the bill without prior communication, leaving the others surprised.

The user’s wife felt it was inconsiderate not to inform everyone about the change in expectation, while the Redditor argues that their family shouldn’t have assumed they would continue to pay. To delve deeper into this family dynamic and the reactions involved, read the original story below.

‘ AITA for not communicating that I wanted to go Dutch before dinner?’

AITA for not communicating going Dutch? Hi All. I’ll do my best to keep this post clear, concise, and most of all, as unbiased as I can. My wife, brother in law, his wife and two sisters in law and myself go out to dinner regularly.

I often foot the bill just to be nice. It’s been quite a few times that I’ve consecutively paid the bill in an attempt to be generous. My siblings in law are just starting out with their careers and I am a little more established with mine. On one particular night we invited my brother in law and his wife to dinner and they came with us.

My brother in law had recently lost his job but the fact that they agreed to dinner made me think they were still good with their funds because they decided to come anyway. When the bill came, I told the server to split the bill. They were taken aback because they got used to me paying all the time.

My wife told me that I should have made it clear that I intended to split the check and everyone pay their own share before we went to dinner and that it was a d*ck move that I did not. My point of view is that they shouldn’t have expected me to pay all the time and the fact that I’ve done it so much may have made them e**itled to it. AITA?.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

WickedAngelLove −  YTA – Gentle for you, but the fact is- you established a pattern of paying of footing the bill. So of course they would expect you to pay for it.

And given that he lost his job, it’s probably more of a strain for them to go out and eat so I do not doubt that they had expected you to continue paying especially now. You invited them knowing he lost his job and then drop the ax of not paying. Your wife is right. You should have made it clear beforehand.

Peony-Pony −  ESH You didn’t ask the server for separate checks before you ordered. Your extended family has gotten accostomed to you picking up the check, right or wrong, and didn’t ask if you were covering the bill. The entire misunderstanding could have been avoided if everyone communicated with each other.

My wife told me that I should have made it clear that I intended to split the check and everyone pay their own share before we went to dinner and that it was a d*ck move that I did not.

My point of view is that they shouldn’t have expected me to pay all the time and the fact that I’ve done it so much may have made them e**itled to it. The cynic in me believes you set them up but it doesn’t absolve you extended family for their expectation the bill would be covered.

Own_Lack_4526 −  YTA. You’ve established a pattern of paying the bill for dinners. You issued the invitation. You knew he just lost his job. You should have picked up the check as soon as you realized their confusion precisely because you didn’t make it clear you didn’t want to pay this time.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to split the bill – but after paying several times in a row, you should have been clear about it this time.

Solid_Bed_752 −  They shouldn’t assume you’re right. That said, if you’ve paid in the past and you invited them it wasn’t an unreasonable assumption on their part. My guess in their minds it was something like “isn’t it nice of him to offer since eating out is a luxury we can’t afford right now.”

I’m also curious why this particular time you chose not to treat particularly knowing your BIL circumstances. I may be wrong but reading some passive aggressiveness between the line here.

GroguFrogSnack23 −  NTA! You should always expect to pay your own bill, and then be appreciative if someone else covers it.

BusyWorth8045 −  NTA. What a fucked up world this is when you’re the a**hole because someone else assumed you were buying them dinner.
It was on him, not you, to ask if you were covering it.

Best_Tumbleweed6931 −  Yes, YTA. I’m not sure why you thought them agreeing to dinner was in any way reflective of their financial situation, given the history of you paying. You’ve set a clear expectation and tradition that you pay.

Now, you’re not obligated to pay. But pulling the rug out from under them, after setting a clear expectation, while he’s unemployed was an AH move.
Next time say it up front, don’t wait for the bill.

Shitsuri −  *My wife told me that I should have made it clear that I intended to split the check and everyone pay their own share before we went to dinner and that it was a d*ck move that I did not.* I think your wife is right and YTA in this instance. Make it clear moving forward 🤷‍♀️

swillshop −  OP – I do not think you were being an AH, but I do think the proper thing to do is to say, “I’m sorry for the confusion. Please let me cover the bill for that dinner.” Then, going forward, be clear if you are planning to pay or split the bill.

It’s true that folks shouldn’t assume they are being treated, but a pattern had been established and the wording of the invite leaves room for some confusion. This was an honest miscommunication, but BIL is not in a position to be the one bearing the brunt of it; you are better situated to do so.

ghostwitharedditacc −  NAH, there was no ill-will or malicious intent. I wanted to say that your communication could have been better, but it’s weird to mention splitting the bill in an invite. And after they accept the invite, it puts them in an awkward position if you mention splitting the bill and they back out.

I think it’s ultimately on them for accepting the invite expecting you to pay. My mom or stepdad usually pay for dinners when I’m in town, but I am always prepared to pay for myself. If I didn’t have the money for it or didn’t want to spend, I’d probably say something to that effect. And they’d probably say it’s fine they’ll pay. But if they didn’t that would be okay too.

They’re not assholes for being upset, they had a somewhat valid expectation which was unmet. It wasn’t your obligation to fulfill their expectation, but I can understand where they were coming from. They’re not e**itled to free dinner though, you’re not an a**hole for this.

Do you think the Redditor should have communicated their intention to go Dutch before dinner, or were the family members wrong to assume they would cover the bill again? How do you handle situations like this when it comes to sharing expenses? Share your thoughts below!