AITA for not checking in on my ex and he nearly died?

A Reddit user recently shared a heartbreaking story about their separation from a fiancé whose struggles with alcoholism put both his health and their relationship in jeopardy. When he ended up in a critical condition after declining her help, the user grappled with guilt and doubt over whether her choice was justified. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not checking in on my ex and he nearly died?’

I (35 f) recently separated from my fiancee (35 m) due to his excessive drinking, but we are still close and regularly see each other. After taking him to the ER overnight, I brought him home and he said he just wanted to chill solo so I left. I attempted to message him, but didn’t hear back. This is unusual for him, however I wanted to respect his boundaries.

Late that night (~10 pm), my ex’s mom woke me up calling to ask me to go over there and check on him. (I had a key and she doesn’t.) I declined to because I had just been woken up and figured that he was just ignoring both of us because he was drinking.

And to be frank, I’m sick of the drinking and having to care for him. I’m sick of begging him to do things like get out of a urine soaked bed so I can try to get him clean and dry. I’m sick of the relentless drunk screaming and crying. I’m burnt out.

She ended up calling for a welfare check and when the police came he was drunk and severely ill. The doctor said he probably would have died if he hadnt been brought in that night. It was to the point that the hospital refused to release him when he tried to leave AMA and got the police and county attorney involved to force him to stay.

His mom was pissed at me and refused to tell me so I only found out a couple of days later that he is in the ICU on a ventilator. I feel incredibly guilty that had it been in my hands alone, someone I care about would be dead so I came here to either relieve my guilt or be deservedly raked over the coals.

Check out how the community responded:

-anonymous-username_ −  NTA. Not even a little.. *He’s not your responsibility!!* You took him to the ER, that was nice of you.
His mom had other options, especially if you declined on the phone. She could have gone, without a key.

She could have used police to do a welfare check EARLIER. He is NOT your responsibility, even as a friend.
He’s a grown man with a drinking problem. That’s sad. But it’s his issue, his responsibility.

For your own sanity, please back away from the situation some and let him get help on his own. Then you can be his friend. You can’t be his friend and his ex and his therapist and his Uber driver and his sponsor and his ambulance and his nurse and his janitor… And be taking care of your own mental health here too.

CrewelSummer −  NTA. Your ex is no longer your responsibility to care for or check in on, and his mother needs to understand that this is a result of *his drinking* not your inaction. Ex’s mom is scared that she’s going to lose her son to his addiction, but instead of acting productively by holding her son accountable for his behavior, she’s blaming others because it’s easier and safer and addiction is difficult.

I also wonder how much enabling she does because man oh man do enablers get mad when someone else sets healthy boundaries and steps back.

There is only one person responsible for your ex ending up in the ICU, and that’s your ex himself. He and he alone drank himself there. Please focus on yourself, cut your ex and his mother off, and reach out to support groups for family members and friends of those suffering from addiction. They can help you understand, heal, and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself going forward.

Meghanshadow −  NTA. You lived with his addiction. You broke up over it. You took him to an ER. (Why? Was he near lethally drunk again? Or having a different problem?). You brought him home. He said he was just going to chill at home.

That is already above and beyond what many friends would do. And nearly all exes. You cannot be a 24/7/365 addict minder and behavior controller. If he was unwilling to seek treatment, if his mom was unable to get him to live with her and get help, there’s nothing you could do.

If She thought he was likely to drink himself to d**th, She should have pursued involuntary commitment. His mom wants somebody to blame, and is choosing you. His life is not your responsibility.. It is his.

A**oholism is a terrible disease. You cannot fix it. He has a chance at fixing it, temporarily or long term, if he Wants to and also gets help from a s**t ton of people. None of which need to be you.

Mission_Breakfast548 −  My advice?  Give his mom your key to his place & block everyone.  As another post so succinctly put it, don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.. NTA.

ApprehensivePause735 −  NTA- To be fair, you did reach out and you have already broken it off with him. He is a grown adult and he isn’t your responsibility. It’s quite strange to me though that his mother is pushing the responsibilities onto you. If anything, he needs to make the efforts to get better since clearly his behaviors are effecting everybody around him.

poncanach −  NTA You are not responsible for someone you broke up with. He is responsible for his own actions. He choose to drink to much and become the way he was. He is trying to kill himself and you need to get away from that for your own mental health. You should give your key to his mother and stop trying to care for someone who doesn’t care for themselves.

LompocianLady −  NTA. He is your ex because he doesn’t care enough about himself, or you, to get sober and healthy.
You are burned out and ready to move on, knowing he isn’t going to change. As much as you love him, and his mom loves him, until he chooses life there is little you can do.

I hope you’re getting counseling, this is very sad. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. AL-ANON is a group support available in most towns where you can discuss the emotions with others, please consider joining one of their groups.

fallingintopolkadots −  NTA. Being in a relationship with an addict is very, very difficult, and you ended things with him *because* you didn’t want the responsibility of having to constantly worry and clean him up and then have him keep choosing to do it again. He’s not your responsibility.

I totally understand the sadness and the guilt you must be feeling, it’s hard watching someone you love do this to himself. I’m guessing the only hypothetical thing you could have done was give the key to his apartment to his mom, but I’m sure you didn’t think all of this would happen.

His mom just wants someone (besides her son) to blame, when it’s her son that keeps doing this. He needs more help than any one person can give, and he needs to want to change.

crazylady119 −  NTA. Give her the key, block them both and live your best life. I understand that you care about him, but he doesn’t care about himself. You did your best. Seek therapy or a support group and take care of yourself

aliencannon −  NTA – as horrible as it is, a**oholism isn’t anyone but the person suffering from its responsibility. You are burnt out because you are caring for someone who refuses to care for themself. Having the police called was the best option and he needs to be in the care of professionals.