AITA for not caring that my ex has cancer?

A Reddit user (27F) shares their story of a toxic, manipulative relationship that lasted four years with their ex. After multiple lies, emotional manipulation, and betrayal, they eventually ended things. Years later, the ex reached out through the user’s best friend, revealing that he is dying from stage 3 cancer and wants to invite her to his funeral.

Despite this, the Redditor feels no sympathy for him, having moved on and built a healthy life. She wonders if her lack of empathy is justified or if she’s being harsh. Read the full story below to see how others react.

‘ AITA for not caring that my ex has cancer?’

I (27F) had my first relationship right after graduating high school and it lasted for 4 years. I was a straight laced shy and super socially awkward kid. I made friends with a guy in my class who was practically the opposite of me.

Outgoing, liked to party, take lots of risks, and overall wanted to have a good time and didnt take anything too seriously. We dated for 4 years. We honestly should have never dated. It was trainwreck of a relationship. One of my deal breakers was smoking. For personal reasons I didn’t want to deal with it in regards to a SO.

He however told me he didn’t smoke only for me to find out he did. Now you probably are wondering why I never just left. You see that was where the begging, crying and promising to change part came in. Which gullible me would give in and say okay to every time.

He just continued to lie throughout the relationship and it wasnt just for smoking, but many other things. I found out he was telling everyone I was some gold digger despite me paying for 70% of our dates and things while he crashed in my place. He did not respect a “no” in terms of intimacy.

Told me he “almost” cheated on me. He was never reliable or on time to anything. Being with him made me into the ugliest version of myself. Anyways eventually after 4 years he dumped me. Claimed he hated me and was embarrassed to be seen with me. It is what it is.

I was heartbroken for a bit. 4 years of a fairly m**ipulative relationship kinda took its toll on me and I was probably fairly attatched to him. I had entered my young adulthood with no sense of identity either and never took the chance to explore and develop myself.

9 months later he messaged me on my birthday. All he had to say was “I know theres nothing to be happy about rn, but happy birthday.” At that point something clicked. I was lowkey flourishing during lockdown… so he could speak for himself. I messaged him to delete my number and proceeded to block him on everything.

Figured that bridge was burned time to move on. I dont want to bring baggage into any new friendships/ relationships. 5years later. I am happy… pretty content when out of nowhere my best friend messages me saying my ex reached out to her. He claimed he wanted her to give me a letter since he assumed I was still mad at him.

He claimed he wanted to thank me for a lot of things, but to also invite me to his funeral if I would go because he was dying from stage 3 cancer. Well my response to my friend was “Whats any of that gotta do with me?” She was a little surprised.

Said sure he never treated me well, but that what he was going through was awful. Others shared a similar sentiment. Don’t get me wrong. What he is going through is devestating, but it literally does not impact my life.

My circle is small, but I am a ride of die for those people in that circle and he removed himself long ago. I gave him my email for the letter. Should I have more empathy or am I a jaded a**hole?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

_iamstardust_ −  NTA. You are protecting your continued peace from someone that had a negative impact on your life for 4 years. Being sympathetic as a human being for another human being is natural.

And what he is going through certainly is unfortunate. However, you should not feel obligated to attend the funeral of a person you’ve pretty decisively cut out of your life several years prior.

DinaFelice −  “Ex has a long history of using other people to help him manipulate me. So the very fact that he is sharing information with others and asking them to connect him with me…well, it seems like he’s trying to provoke a response from me and the truth is I’m just over him and whatever tactics he’s trying to use now.

I know it can be hard to understand for anyone who hasn’t directly experienced a controlling and m**ipulative relationship before, so if you are interested, the book available here might give you a better insight:

NTA. Your ex is using the excuse of his illness to try to pull you back into his circle of control. Notably, the letter is supposedly one of “thanks” and not an apology letter.

Your ex is an AH if, when facing the end of his life, he is more interested in asking you to do something (attend his funeral) rather than taking this opportunity to abjectly apologize.

I would also note that he didn’t simply give your friend the letter so she could choose to pass it onto you (which would at least demonstrate that he recognizes that he isn’t entitled to *anything* from you, not even your attention), and instead is using her as a tool to get some kind of response from you.

If he genuinely wanted to thank or apologize to you, he could have expressed himself in the letter and passed it along. But he’s actually set up a situation where he *isn’t* giving it to you until you acknowledge that you will look at it.

That doesn’t sound like a man unburdening himself to someone he used to care about, that sounds like an AH hoping to get his ex to open an avenue of communication with him.

If I’m wrong, then he’ll use the email address once, just to send you his letter. If I’m right, he’ll use the email multiple times (possibly with the excuse, “just checking to see if you got my letter”)

No-Fox-1528 −  He’s trying to manipulate you for sure. Stage 3 is not stage 4, and while horrible, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re planning your funeral at that moment. He’s looking for sick sympathy. 

Sore_Pussy −  He did not respect a “no” in terms of intimacy. this is rape/s**ual a**ault. I believe people should be allowed to celebrate any misfortunes that happen to their abusers/rapists. NTA I’m so sorry for what happened to you.

Saberune −  NTA. Like you said, the bridge is burned. You should’ve left long before it ended, but you didn’t. Lucky for you, he did the heavy lifting for you and set you free. In the most ass way possible, but he did.

Now he’s just somebody that you used to know. The correct course is to have general empathy. Say “I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Thoughts and prayers!”, then put it right back in you’re rear view where it belongs.

Fickle_Obligation986 −  Most of the responses I’ve read to this point accept he has cancer but f**k him anyway. But I don’t for one second believe it’s true. His claims of cancer are more fake the most fake OP I have ever read on here. Ignore him either way.. nta

dryadduinath −  NTA. You don’t have a relationship. You haven’t had a relationship for five, almost six years. There’s nothing there. If you’d kept in touch, sure, but there is simply nothing there.

Also, if you’re jaded, it’s probably because he lied to you, lied about you, and said terrible things to you, only to cry and beg you to stay, only to do it all again. Are you jaded, or are you wise to his ways?

Pristine-Affect7537 −  I know this may be a sensitive topic for some, but imo NTA. You went through a lot and don’t owe him your empathy. Maybe he is having some regrets looking back at his life and how he treated those close to him, you included.

but he’s had the opportunity to talk to you again after breaking up. I know I may be a petty person at time but I would be feeling the same as you, “what’s any of that gotta do with me?”.

ObsidianConspiracyXx −  NTA. Sometimes, bad things happen to bad people. 🤷🏿‍♂️

HarperSaturnRings −  Life isn’t a fairytale where the villain has a change of heart and everyone gathers round for a group hug

Do you think the Redditor’s response to her ex’s situation is justified, or should she show more empathy towards someone who is facing such a difficult time, despite their past? How would you handle a similar situation, where an ex reaches out years later with a life-changing revelation? Share your thoughts below!