AITA for not being able to reassure my dad’s wife the way she needs?

A 17-year-old girl’s father remarried a woman named Lizzy after her beloved stepmother, Katie, passed away when she was 13. Lizzy struggles with feeling inadequate compared to Katie, who was adored by the entire family.

During family therapy, Lizzy expressed her need for reassurance, but the daughter found herself unable to promise the same level of love or connection Lizzy hoped for, leaving Lizzy feeling like she has “no chance” of being fully accepted. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not being able to reassure my dad’s wife the way she needs?’

My mother has never been a part of my life. She didn’t want to parent and found out she was pregnant with me too late to abort. She and my dad were never in a relationship. They hooked up a couple of times. Dad did DNA when I was born to confirm I (17f) was actually his.

And he raised me without my mother and without any support from her. This was a decision they came to. Mostly he wanted to protect me from her dislike of me and worried child support might bring her out of the woodwork sometimes if she against it enough.

He did, about a year ago, speak openly about this with me a year ago. Before I got some stuff but toned down for age reasons. When I was 5 my dad met “Katie”. For me Katie was mom, she was my best friend, she was my favorite person on the planet.

We loved each other fiercely but our relationship wasn’t as expected for my age when we met and the fact I never had a mom (just a mother who gave birth). She was sort of everything though. I can’t fully describe it but I thought the world of her and I did call her mom a lot but I also didn’t always.

Just like sometimes I was her daughter but other times I was “her Arya”. Katie gave me the best siblings in the world too. And she was adored by the whole family. Losing her broke us all and required a lot of therapy. I was 13 when she died. My dad remarried 4 months ago. His new wife is “Lizzy”.

Dad, Lizzy and I went to therapy recently because Lizzy asked for therapy with us. My siblings haven’t joined us. She has opened up about how she feels like she has no place in anyone’s heart except for dad. But she feels like dad will always love Katie more and how hard that is.

She said she expected me to have an easier relationship with her than my siblings because Katie wasn’t just mom to me so less stepping on my toes. She said every time we interact she feels lesser.

How she has found some of Katie’s stuff and seeing best daughter (in law), best mom, best stepmom, best wife, best sister (in law) made her realize that Katie was seen that way by everyone and still is. How she’s basically got no chance to be as loved as she was.

How it’s clear me and my siblings will always see her as the person who married dad. She said she’s having a really hard time and even though it hasn’t been long she worries she won’t be able to make it work if this continues. After she had opened up so much… I couldn’t reassure her in any way she needed.

I couldn’t promise I’d love her one day. I couldn’t promise I would ever see her as more than just the woman my dad married when I was 17. I couldn’t reassure her of that stuff either or that she’d feel like real family vs someone dad brought in. I don’t know what will happen.

But I know I will never see her on the same level as Katie. This really bothered Lizzy’s mom who was told about our therapy sessions and told me I should have reassured her like my dad did because I just sealed Lizzy’s belief that she has no chance with me.. AITA?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

mm1palmer −  NTA. Sounds like Lizzy should have thought about all these things before getting married and maybe had some ‘family’ therapy so everyone would know where the others were coming from and how they felt. You did not marry her or pick her. It is not your responsibility to reassure her.

You should treat her with respect as your Dad’s wife, but that is it. If you feel like more as time goes on, great!. But if not, that is an issue for Lizzy and your Dad to deal with. INFO: what is Lizzy’s and your Dad’s age?

Excellent-Count4009 −  NTA . “She has opened up about how she feels like she has no place in anyone’s heart except for dad.” .. sounds reasonable. Dad married her, nobody else did. “But she feels like dad will always love Katie more and how hard that is. ” ..

Thuis has NOTHING to do with you – they need to do couple’s therapy to solve this. “How it’s clear me and my siblings will always see her as the person who married dad. ” .. and that is fine. SHE will have to get used to that.

“This really bothered Lizzy’s mom who was told about our therapy sessions and told me I should have reassured her like my dad did because I just sealed Lizzy’s belief that she has no chance with me.” .. REFUSE to discuss this with lizzie’s mom.

This does not concern her. AND: **YOU did not marry Lizzie, it is COMPLETELY fine if she is never more to you than dad’s new wife. If she can not respect that, that’s HER fault, not yours.**

ParsimoniousSalad −  NTA and it’s not your job to fill whatever void Lizzy needs. Katie was your mom for all intents and purposes. I’m so sorry you lost her. And Lizzy needs to learn that it’s not a f**king competition. Sounds like your dad might need to reassess that relationship.

She is after all, just his wife. Any friendship she wants to develop with his kids is on her, and not by trying to force it. Stop going to therapy with them. Sounds like she needs to hear the truth from the therapist. You are not her substitute “comfort child.”

Public_Ad_9169 −  You are not responsible for Lizzy”s feelings. She is being insecure and looking for reassurance from a minor child. That is pitiful actually. NTA, it is not your job to take on her sense of inadequacy.

PeppermintGoddess −  NTA. This is a Lizzie problem, not a You problem.

CrewelSummer −  NTA. Lizzy’s assumption that she would have an “easier time with you” because Katie was your step-mom was bonkers. That *ass*umption completely dismissed and disrespected the relationship you had with Katie, and ultimately, that’s Lizzy’s problem.

She’s acting like your relationship with Katie was nothing, was just another step mom relationship, was less than the bond between a mother and her biological children; and she’s dead wrong. It’s clear that your relationship with Katie was strong, fierce, exceptional, and unique.

And most grown adults approaching a relationship like that would never expect to be able to replicate that, especially when they understand that bond formed when you were a young child and they are entering your life closer to adulthood. Lizzy’s expectations were completely unreasonable.

Frankly, she may not be cut out to be a wife to someone with kids. She never should have expected to just come in and instantly fill Katie’s shoes. She never should have disregarded your bond with Katie. She *is* just the person who married your dad, and if she didn’t want to fill that role, well…

Lizzy needed a reality check. And Lizzy’s mom needs to realize that she needs to stop coddling her grown daughter and expecting others to do so as well, because this is how we got this adult who ignores reality and expects everyone to just go along with her fantasy of how things will go.

LouisV25 −  NTA. Do not internalize her issues. She has approached the situation all wrong. Bond are built over time, NEVER through trying to replace the deceased.

Lucky-Effective-1564 −  NTA. You can’t force yourself to feel a certain way about someone. Especially as they’ve only been married for 4 months. As long as you are friendly and polite towards each other, surely that’s all either of you can expect.

Katie may not have been your biological mom, but she was Mom in every other way. Lizzy needs to realise this.

MajorAd2679 −  NTA. It’s not your job to reassure your dad’s wife. Your father did choose her, you didn’t. You can’t for e feelings. She needs therapy in her own, not force you into therapy. She needs to work on her own feelings. You have no responsibility towards her to make her feel better.

Was she wrong for not providing reassurance? Share your thoughts below!