AITA for not attending my sister’s baby shower after our miscarriage?

A Reddit user is grappling with a painful decision after experiencing a miscarriage just months after her sister announced her own pregnancy. After enduring the emotional turmoil of two miscarriages within the same year.

She and her husband have distanced themselves from family gatherings that include her pregnant sister, finding it too painful to engage in conversations about her sister’s milestones. Despite attending her sister’s wedding to show support, the user has opted out of the baby shower, leading to backlash from family members.

One sister’s message urging her to focus on their pregnant sibling’s happiness leaves her feeling like a bad sister. Is she in the wrong for prioritizing her mental health during such a difficult time? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not attending my sister’s baby shower after our miscarriage?’

I (29F) and my husband (29M) found out we were pregnant in April, six weeks after my sister announced her pregnancy. We were all thrilled, imagining our kids growing up as best friends. Unfortunately, in June, we had a miscarriage.

It was our second miscarriage that year, and it hit us hard. I struggled deeply, even having dark thoughts about ending my life. We tried to cope by booking a trip, listening to podcasts, attending therapy, and joining support groups, which helped somewhat.

After the miscarriage, we became a bit distant from the family because I couldn’t bear to see my sister pregnant. Whenever we went out to dinner, where we usually talked and shared about our lives, we just couldn’t engage in conversations anymore.

Most of the time, we went home early because it was too painful to see them. People would ask how her pregnancy was going, and she would share moments about her ultrasounds, check-ups, and milestones.

We couldn’t participate in these conversations or even try to be happy for her because it triggered me and made me cry. Three months later, my sister’s wedding was approaching, followed by her baby shower/gender reveal the next day.

We informed them in advance that while we would attend the wedding and celebrate with them, we couldn’t make it to the baby shower. Being around pregnant women is a trigger for me, reminding me of our loss.

They seemed to understand but hoped we might change our minds, especially since my husband’s family was coming to support us.
We attended the wedding, brought a gift, picked up their wedding cake, and celebrated their special day.

However, the next morning, my older sister (not the pregnant one) sent me a long message, essentially saying, “Your sister was there for you during your milestones, why can’t you be there for her now? Focus your energy on her and move on already.”

I was devastated, feeling like a bad sister, and cried my eyes out. My husband was furious at the insensitivity and realized this was how the whole family felt. Now, we are seen as the bad guys for not attending the baby shower. So, AITA for not being there for my sister during her special day?

See what others had to share with OP:

Tangerine_Bouquet −  The only AH here is the sister who sent the incredibly insensitive and cruel message. You are NTA for staying away from things that are painful right now. Celebrating your sister’s wedding was great. I hope you had quality time with your family and told that sister how much you love and support her.

I think you’ll find that you are not seen as bad in any way by anyone except the AH sister who you should block completely. Feel free to forward that message to others, who will see it for what it was, and sympathize with you if they are decent human beings.

In your own time, you’ll come to know your nibling and hopefully develop healthy relationships and the ability to be around joyful people who are pregnant without it putting you back into your own loss.

However, grief is real and you are allowed to feel it and deal with it in the ways you need to–avoiding a baby shower is completely reasonable and healthy!

I hope you can work through this in therapy and support groups and with your husband but know that the loss is something you will continue to feel, just that time will allow room for more other things, including joy, alongside it.

Effective_Mix_2443 −  NTA. I had a miscarriage in 2023 and then a neonatal loss this July with my first living child. I am barely functioning now four months later. I have told my loved ones to not tell me if they’re pregnant, and to tell my husband instead (he is ok with this).

I am giving myself full permission to not go to baby showers until I decide that I can do it. I don’t have a sister, but most of my close friends have newborns or are TTC. It’s painful. You wish you could be happy with them, but your heart is broken.

Two miscarriages can feel absolutely devastating, and people don’t understand until they’ve experienced it — how much it crushes your spirit, your innocence, and your future. I cry every single day.

When I miscarried, I also cried every single day for a few weeks, and I was depressed for months. It’s a loss, NTA, and sending you so much love. I hope you can be surrounded by loved ones who understand, even if they aren’t blood related. ❤️

SufficientBasis5296 −  Oh, for Ducks sake. A Baby Shower is not such a stressful event that the whole family has to be present for support. NTA. Your older sister is an overbearing AH who should keep her opinions to herself. I seriously doubt she represents “the family” point of view. Just a loudmouth 

ChickenScratchCoffee −  I don’t want to call you an AH because everyone grieves differently but Realistically how do you think this is going to work…are you going to ignore the baby when it comes? Never want to hear about them?

Never go to family functions because someone else is pregnant? Squash her joy because you experienced a loss? Life goes on. You can be sad AND be there for your sister. If you ever have a baby, you’re going to want everyone to gush over you. You’re going to want to talk about it and share your joy.

stonersrus19 −  NTAH. But be aware if you don’t come around for when your sister is newly PP, that will 100% damage the relationship. Its one thing to avoid happiness during your grief its another to avoid your sister when they are their most vulnerable. Save your supportive energy for that point.

oneofthesenights23 −  Are you seeing a therapist? Because what happens when she has her child?

blueavole −  Need to say something like: Right now I am still feeling my loss very deeply. It makes me angry/ sad/ frustrated ( pick the one that fits you better) to see my sister pregnant. I know that is irrational. My miscarriage isn’t her fault.

I want to show up for her when I can be truly happy and present for her big milestones.. And then op you have to do the emotional work to get through your grief. Not over it, not to forget your pain or your loss.

But through it. You will need to get to an emotional place where you can be there for your family. If not you really will miss out on the joys in life. Good luck in your healing.

Just-some-moran −  I will be voted down to oblivion but YTA. Sorry for your loss and I get grief is a difficult thing to deal with that affects people differently. But it’s been months, your grief is now actively being detrimental to your relationships with others.

I get that going to a baby shower will bring up the loss you feel, but your sister is never going to forget that you couldn’t set aside your grief for a few hours to be their for her and happy for her.

To her it’s looking like your not going to be able to love your neice or nephew. You need stronger will power to overcome your grief and get on with life or you need therapy to help you cope.

What you don’t want to do is slink away from all social activities because it reminds you of your grief, that is not a healthy way to live. So Y T A for not being there for your sister and family and Y T A to yourself for letting your grief harm relationships with your loved ones.

Edit: I do however need to add that these are very soft yta and only includes ah because of the sight we are on. Your not an ah. But I think you do need help with your grief before it does damage to other relationships in your life

lordmwahaha −  NTA. That was a cruel thing to say and I’m sorry for your loss. I do want to offer one incredibly gentle piece of advice: What do you think you’re going to do when the baby is born?

Because being completely realistic, if you’re not able to reach a point where you can be okay with your sister having a child, there *will* come a point where it tears you apart from your family. Like, are you going to ignore the birth, as well?

Refuse to congratulate her on her newborn child, because you lost yours? At some point it’s going to start coming across to your family as spiteful. At some point, they will expect you to stop shutting it out.

I’m *not* saying that point needs to be now – it’s still very early days for you. But keep that in your back pocket, because this baby is coming, it’s not going away, and nothing you can do is going to stop it. This feels like a problem that will only get worse if you don’t start thinking about it more long-term.

Strict_Abies_7219 −  Hot take… I don’t think anyone is the AH. I think everyone has acceptable feelings. You went through a trauma that only people who have been through that trauma understand, and that’s allowed to have emotions with it..

Also, your sister that’s still pregnant is still going through that and wants her sister’s support, and that’s okay too. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to grieve, it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel pain in those moments. You’re absolutely allowed to do that.

Unfortunately, you had to make a choice and they didn’t like it. Would you have felt the way she did if roles were reversed? If she had a miscarriage and you were still pregnant, would you want your sister to still be involved or dis-involve herself because she’s hurt?

Maybe, maybe not. Everyone’s different, but both sides are hurting right now, and for good reason. Personally, I would have put my feelings aside and shown up for my sister, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right way or the only way.

That’s a choice you had to make and she’s allowed to not like that. Now you have to live with how they feel about it, just like you have to live with your feelings about not being there, I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either way.

I hope this isn’t coming off as hateful or hurtful to you, I think both of you were going to be hurt in this situation no matter what. It’s a sacrifice. I’m sorry this is something you’re going through, but unfortunately someone getting hurt is inevitable.

Have a heart to heart with your sister, and figure out how to move forward. The fact of the matter is that you can’t remove yourself from everything forever and she’s going to have this child… it will never be easy for you.

I will say that, it’s going to be painful for you to see this kid whether it’s a baby shower, birth or birthday party, so you’re going to have to find a way to live through this pain you’re feeling. Praying for you and I’m so very sorry for your loss. ❤️‍🩹

Do you think the user is justified in prioritizing her mental health over attending her sister’s baby shower, or should she have made the effort to support her sister despite her own pain? How would you navigate such a complex family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!