AITA for not attending bros adults only bday w 4 kids?

A 38-year-old woman faced criticism from her brother for not attending his adults-only 50th birthday party, as her primary babysitter—their mother—was at the party, leaving her without childcare for her four young children.

She expressed that it wouldn’t be fair to leave her husband alone with the kids during a challenging time of day. Although she sent a thoughtful gift afterward, her brother felt she should have made an effort to attend, prompting her to question if she was wrong.

‘ AITA for not attending bros adults only bday w 4 kids?’

So my bro (50m) just texted me (38f) “wanting to get off his chest” how hurt he is that I did not attend his adults only 50th birthday party two months ago. I would have attended but my primary babysitter (our mom) was at the party and the others were unavailable that night.

I didn’t think it fair to leave my husband at home with our 5yo, 4yo and twin 8mo babies at the hardest time of day. Edited to add: I don’t doubt my husband’s ability to parent our children. We adjust our schedules so not one parent is alone with all 4 kids. We try to team play as best we can.

Also, I did drop off a thoughtful gift to my bro the day after: a pair of nice sneakers because I noticed previously his were outdated. Bro said I should’ve left for an hour to make it to his party. We’ve had to say no to several events this year as the first year with twins is a lot!

I’m starting to feel guilty for not going but also need to prioritize my kids and husband. So AITA for not making more of an effort to attend? Or is he being unreasonable ?

Noteable mention: this is the same bro who stopped talking to me for months after I said no to his request to pick up his family from the airport (one hour from my house) for a 7pm international arrival while I was 6 months pregnant with twins and two toddlers at home. He asked me for this enormous favor one day prior.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Kooky_Protection_334 −  NTA for not going but why would you or your mon be fine with the kids but it “wouldn’t be fair” to leave the kids with the husband?? He’s their father. That’s literally his job as much as it is yours. So Y T A for using that as an excuse.

ItchyDoggg −  So 11 months ago your brother stopped talking to you for *months* over you not being able to do him a last minute favor. And now less than a year later he’s offended you couldn’t come to his adult only birthday party while you’ve got twins less than a year old at home, and your primary babysitter will be at the party.

NTA at all. I’m around your age but your much older brother sounds like the child here to me. 

ANeighbour −  NTA. People having child free events need to understand that people with children are less likely to attend. Also, it was an invitation, not a summons, and you declined it. End of story.

National_Pension_110 −  NTA. I’m laughing at your bro while typing thing. You can’t win with this guy. He gives you unreasonable or unattainable requests then punishes you when he faces the consequences. No kids allowed at the party? No problem. I’m not going to show up with my kids.

By the way—pregnant or not, I have a standing rule that I won’t make runs to the airport that’s just over an hour from my house unless it’s for a funeral. Everyone else can Uber or rent a car. Non-negotiable.

leahs84 −  NTA- People are really harping on you in the comments for not wanting to leave your husband alone with 4 kids. It sounds more to me (because you state it would’ve been “at the hardest part of the day”) like you didn’t want to make things harder on your husband, rather than him being unable to handle the 4 kids alone.

I’m not a parent, but I believe in relationships you try to not inconvenience your partner when possible. From the edit about your brother, it sounds like this birthday dinner wouldn’t have felt “worth it” to you.

So no, I don’t think you’re an AH for thinking of your immediate family first and not wanting to make things more challenging for your husband for the sake of your brother, who seems like an e**itled j**k.

InappropriateAccess −  INFO: It would have been the same “hardest time of the day” if your mom had been able to babysit. Why would that be okay for your mom and not “fair” to your husband? Edited to add judgement: NTA based on OP’s information below.

DontAskMeChit −  NTA. As someone who has adult only parties, I understand that not everyone can or wants to get a babysitter for an event so they just don’t attend.

Stressedmama58 −  As the grandmother of 10 month old twins…. It’s A LOT to take care of them by yourself, especially with two other kids that young. Their other grandmom and I cannot handle them alone, even with the other kids in the house being a little older than yours. In short,, no,, you are NTA, and your brother needs to grow up.

Even an hour would be difficult because of course they don’t always conform to what your schedule might be.

mildchild4evr −  NTA. He had an adult only party, youhave a bunch of kids – Littles at that! Evening time, baths, feeding, bedtime is a lot. To do that solo is hard! Lol
You were a good partner, I’m guessing you and your husband support each other in many ways.

Your brother sounds ridiculous. I get that he was disappointed that you weren’t there, but honestly you have infant twins! It’s gonna be awhile until you are willing to participate in certain things. You’re a good parent too. Lucky kids that they were prioritized.

Labradawgz90 −  NTA- Tell your bro-Copernicus called. He’s not the center of the universe.

Should family members understand the challenges of parenting, or should there be more effort to attend significant events? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!